The Bible, Zombified

Welcome, Pilgrims! You’ve arrived at the promised land of the Stinque Zombie Bible, an open-source collaborative project. If, like us, you’ve thought the Good News would be even better with zombies, here’s your opportunity to add some.

Genesis 1:1: In the beginning God made the heaven and the earth and the Zombies sprang forth from the roiling foam of creation, barking in uncontrollable rage, hungry for human flesh to eat and pestork, giving pause to our Lord who shat himself and uttered ‘Oh, fuck’ amidst the primordial celestial gloom.

Exodus 1:7: And Joseph died because a Zombie got a hold of him and tore out his liver. Then he rose again to chase and eat all his brethren, and all that generation, until somebody wised up and smashed his head with some stale matzoh in a copper pot.

Judges 5:6: In the days of Shamgar the son of Anath, in the days of Jael, the highways were unoccupied, and the travellers walked through byways, whereas the zombies sped through using EZPass.

Job 1:3: Job was a rich zombie. He ran a hedge fund and invested money for other Zombies.

Psalms 1:1: Blessed is the man that shuffleth not in the gait of the zombies, nor standeth and stareth at nothing in the way of zombies, nor eateth the brains of the scornful.

Matthew 5:5: Blessed are the meek: for their brains shall be eaten first.