Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World

GodCreatesWorldVia The Onion:

Members of the earth’s earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.

According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.

“I do not understand,” reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. “A booming voice is saying, ‘Let there be light,’ but there is already light. It is saying, ‘Let the earth bring forth grass,’ but I am already standing on grass.”

“Everything is here already,” the pictograph continues. “We do not need more stars.”

Historians believe that, immediately following the biblical event, Sumerian witnesses returned to the city of Eridu, a bustling metropolis built 1,500 years before God called for the appearance of dry land, to discuss the new development. According to records, Sumerian farmers, priests, and civic administrators were not only befuddled, but also took issue with the face of God moving across the water, saying that He scared away those who were traveling to Mesopotamia to participate in their vast and intricate trade system.

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  • gigi

    6000 years? Read carefully religion's opinion on this, don't take as true ideas from your american televised preachers. Bizantine calendar states that the world was created 7518 years ago, so it was before the summerians wrote those tablets. And they are not the oldest writings on Earth, informe yourselves better the next time.

  • Rev. Simon

    Hey Gigi, I believe this is satire, given the source, “The Onion.” Chill out.

    • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/PDDVWRQVUPMKRGHURIEQVNYWHQ Sean

      god I love it when people fall for the onion

  • Gregory

    Well, gigi. 6000 yrs is the timeframe that is established by the Bible. Because it actually has a family tree recorded there that goes back to Adam. This is just one of the big problems with the bible. It depends on certain things being true, which archeology and science are pretty much daily discounting. It also depends on not finding the tomb of Jesus with any remains in it, etc which is why there is so little evidence to prove he ever existed in the first place. This is why you hardly ever hear that pre-Hebrew civilizations had myths involving a tree, a snake, a woman, a man and a fruit…except in the earlier versions, the woman is the goddess, the snake is her consort, the god of the garden, the man is humanity and the fruit is the means the goddess uses to bring awareness to man…like Prometheus stealing Zeus's Zippo(tm) from the back pocket of his toga when he wasn't looking.

    The Hebrews were a man's people with a man's god so they had to do their best to poison goddess worship when they invaded “The Promised Land.” “Joshua, thou shalt invade Canaan and lay waste and leave no one alive not even the sloths and the breakfast cereals, for they are an abomination to me, for verily, the Canaanites have laid by stores of Weapons of Mass Destruction and they are a threat to your national security,” Saith Yahweh who didn't realize that Joshua had no sense of humor. But Yahweh is a jealous god and doesn't want his people worshiping any other gods…which they did pretty much through the entire Old Testament. He frees them from Egypt, leads them through the wilderness with all kinds of miracles and when they stop…they build a golden calf. In fact, the Old Testament actually is the history of the Hebrews as a people who for the majority of their history prior to 70 AD worshiped all kinds of gods and were doing their own thing, man. Meanwhile Yahweh is continually waving his arms and jumping up and down yelling, “Hey, hey…I'm the god of your people. I am so the god of you Hebrews. HEY!”

    So when the Hebrews return from captivity from the east and the leaders try to rebuild, they at that time have written the first five books of the bible to give their people some kind of national identity to make them cohesive. It's at that time, around the 5th century BC, led by Ezra…that Genesis, Exodus, etc are actually written and the myth of the goddess, the snake, the woman and the man is changed to make sure that not only the Goddess is excised, but making the woman the cause of sin. Xianity uses the Garden of Eden and the Fall of Man story as the reason for “all men have sinned and fallen short” because sin enters the world via the sin of Eve and Adam.

    Except it doesn't. Because that story is a revision of a far earlier established myth and therefore holds no water than any other myth. I hereby declare Xianity null and void and I'm going to celebrate Yule tomorrow and invite All-father Odin to visit my house as he rides his eight-legged horse and give me a blessed Yule. Because if all myths are invalid…which means they all actually are…I might as well honor the gods of my ancestors. So Happy Birthday Lugh. All hail the Holly King. And Yahweh…tough noogies because you're getting coal this Mithrasmas, for verily thou hath been naughty.

    selah

    • Hanke

      sounds a fuk load better than some omnipotent being creating everything! i read that adam and eve were real except that they were either tribal leaders or family members of 2 tribes seeking a union and thus strengthening the tribes. and when you think about it isnt it better 2 believe in a mother earth than some all mighty father? at the end of the day wars are fought in the name of religions, doesnt matter which one because if people believed in a god or higher being (and i really dont) then why are people so eager 2 destroy what he/she/they have created??? if all life is sacred then why fight so hard 2 kill it??? and so im guna finish up by saying this…every religious person is a hypocrite, we shudnt be spewing hate and pointing the finger at people who are wrong, we shud be preparing a better world for future generations!!!

    • Anarchy Pony

      At least Thor has a day of the week named after him. That’s right, Thor’s day=Thursday.

  • Hanke

    sounds a fuk load better than some omnipotent being creating everything! i read that adam and eve were real except that they were either tribal leaders or family members of 2 tribes seeking a union and thus strengthening the tribes. and when you think about it isnt it better 2 believe in a mother earth than some all mighty father? at the end of the day wars are fought in the name of religions, doesnt matter which one because if people believed in a god or higher being (and i really dont) then why are people so eager 2 destroy what he/she/they have created??? if all life is sacred then why fight so hard 2 kill it??? and so im guna finish up by saying this…every religious person is a hypocrite, we shudnt be spewing hate and pointing the finger at people who are wrong, we shud be preparing a better world for future generations!!!

  • Wanooski

    At least Thor has a day of the week named after him. That’s right, Thor’s day=Thursday.

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