U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

BBBurnMVia the Onion:

WASHINGTON — The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.

Calling it “basically no more than five rectangular strips of paper,” Fed chairman Ben Bernanke illustrates how much “$200” is actually worth.

What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world’s largest economy.

“Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we … if we …” said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. None of this — this so-called ‘money’ — really matters at all.”

“It’s just an illusion,” a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. “Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless.”

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  • rfw888

    If only this were true…..

  • GoodDoktorBad

    While the article itself is bullshit, the message is not. The way we view money represents a gross disparity between the real practical value of things (ie. food, shelter, goods and most importantly, the skills each person posesses) and the hugely arbitary value the medium of money is given.
    Money really does grow on trees, its made of wood. The illusion of value printed in empty words and numbers upon it. Dollar bills, gambling chips, Monopoply money, Game tokens, credit cards, bank accounts statements, all just paper contracts of essentially, usery.
    We don't practice sustainable economics in the most basic of ways, instead a gambling casino pervades, and the odds are slanted as usual to the people who run the joint.
    We'll all have to pay for this mass illusion someday, why not awaken today?

    • oman28

      Yes, crap article but the concept that 'money is not real' is well proven by the practices of fractional reserve banking.

      • Polymorpheous

        the onion is a satirical newspaper.

    • KrashKowalski

      “We'll all have to pay for this mass illusion someday”

      – That “someday” is now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • GoodDoktorBad

        Ditto on that ditto…


    i am still laughing ROFL. THIS IS TOO FUNNY

  • Rob

    Dollar bills are made out of cloth, not paper.

  • KrashKowalski

    Get rid of the Federal Reserve Board & the stock market. The economy will be fine in no time.

  • http://www.myspace.com/santosramos fabian_ramos

    that American money he just burned could've helped someone out. foreign or domestic. oh well

  • tonyviner

    I highly recommend that everyone read “End the Fed” by Ron Paul. Ben Bernanke is a self-serving hypocrite and the world would be better off if he died. I don't care how, just that he is dead.

  • Polymorpheous

    lucky me, living in milwaukee, the onion is free on just about every street corner, grocery store and liquor store.

    my wife and i just about died when we saw this front page headline.

    our favorite is still, “kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day long.”

  • cedo

    Did someone really use The Onion as a source!!!!!! for an article? lololol

  • cedo

    Did someone really use The Onion as a source!!!!!! for an article? lololol