Headless Deer Turning Up in Northeastern Wisconsin

Image courtesy of Kraftomatic

Image courtesy of Kraftomatic

Bizarre and mysterious, with no adequate explanation. Below appears the entirety of the longest article I could find on the matter, from the webpage of Wausau‘s local television station, WSAW 7:

OCONTO, Wis. (AP) — Conservation wardens say an increasing number of headless bucks have been found in northeastern Wisconsin State Department of Natural Resources warden Mike Stahl says investigators don’t know why at least a half dozen bucks have been found without their heads since the last week of October. The DNR say four were found in Oconto County’s Little Suamico-Abrams area. One was found in the Town of Spruce and another in Marinette County. Stahl tells WLUK-TV that because of various stages of decay, it’s not known how all bucks were killed, however the DNR has been able to determine at least two were shot.

My current theories are:

1.  An alien advance scouting team took the heads for biometric sampling. Having just read that half-witted senator elect Ron Johnson is supposedly human, the aliens identified the deer as Wisconsin’s most intelligent life form by default and have focused their studies accordingly.

2.  The banks just stopped dicking around and are are getting SERIOUS about accelerating foreclosures, à la Vito Corleone The Godfather.

3.  These deer beheaded themselves out of grief and shame for having voted for such a thimblewitted flip-flopper as Scott Walker (R). It must have come as a terrible shock to find that self-proclaimed job-creatin’ fiscal-responsibility-machine not only planned to piss away $810 million in federal grants (destroying nearly 5,000 jobs in the process), but also threw away any last semblance of sanity or dignity. Read about the slobbery hash Walker made of himself begging Spanish train company Talgo to remain in Wisconsin after he himself killed the projected that departing governor Jim Doyle (D) used to attract Talgo here in the first place.

More at Dystopia Diaries

Headless deer craftwork found at kraftomatic.

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  • Anonymous

    The brains are the best part……you can learn stuff.

  • Anonymous

    The brains are the best part……you can learn stuff.

  • Anonymous

    The brains are the best part……you can learn stuff.

  • Hadrian999

    could just be jack asses killing deer just for antlers

  • GoodDoktorBad

    The brains are the best part……you can learn stuff.

    • Liam_McGonagle

      Yeah, that thought had crossed my mind.

      Viewed prosaically, I’m sure that Hadrian’s right; probably just some dumbasses collecting antlers. But there are two natural resource issues that get up peoples’ noses real quick in the upwoods of Wisconsin. One of them’s the fishing rights of indigenous peoples and the other is jackasses hunting on property without the landowner’s permission. The dickweeds who did this had to know this one would earn them just about as much love as Michael Vick’s dogfighting escapades. Collecting antlers, yes; but for a purpose.

      So my thoughts naturally turn (as I suspect yours were as well) to some bizarre occult shit. I assume you’re referring to the meme, pervasive in every culture worldover, whereby the consumption of an animal’s body bestows heightened levels of that animal’s most characteristic traits: speed, strength, ferocity, sexual potency, etc., etc. Frazer wrote all about that shit about 120 years ago in “The Golden Bough”.

      So my further considerations include:

      4. A massive deer brain-harvesting operation intended for the consumption by rightwingers for whom it would definitely represent an upgrade.

      5. The upwoods Deer Antler Syndicate (“DAnS”), a shadowy organization controlling the sexshops in blue light districts throughout the North Woods. Mind you, I have no direct evidence even of their existence, one way or the other, just overheard whispers from some beer addled pensioners in the shebeens and gin mills between Phillips and Black River Falls. Their legendary fearsome field dressing skills preclude any reliable reportage to anyone known to the locals for less than 30 years.

      Anyow, rumour in some of the darker corners of these woods is that DAnS is planning to expand the sex trade in Northern Wisconsin. White slavery had been their traditional revenue stream for generations, and a fine earner. But with the financial markets demanding price/earnings ratios of 10, 20 or even more since the mid ’90′s, some type of radically new product was required.

      That, according to the anonymous, irresponsible mumblings of intoxicated octogenarians in the taverns of Wisconsin’s pinelands, was when Lefty Larson hit upon a deer antler powder marketing scheme.

      http://herbalmagickinc.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=90

      Larson had supposedly made millions plying the favours of the plump northern girls to drunken out-of-town hunters during the regular September through November whitetail hunting season, and invested a good chunk of it in vast ginseng plantations in Marathon County, Wisconsin. Production of ginseng, a perennial tuber found throughout the northern hemisphere, shot off like a rocket in these counties since the 1990′s, when the first twinklings of China’s economic emergence created a boom in demand. Ginseng has traditionally been regarded throughout east Asia as a powerful aid to sexual potency.

      At some point during those years, it is whispered, Larson heard from one of his sales reps about the supposed legendary power of deer antler powder to make a man rut for hours like a sixteen point buck; a new Wisconsin industry was born.

      Mark you, Wausau is in Marathon County, and Lefty is a wealthy, highly-regarded citizen and regular delegate to the state party convention. So you didn’t hear any of this stuff from me.

      • http://www.jayurbzz.com jayurbzz

        good lord

  • Hadrian999

    could just be jack asses killing deer just for antlers

    • Butter Knife

      If they just wanted the antlers it would be faster and easier to cut them off without the head. I’d imagine they’re collecting the whole noggin so they can go for the classy deer’s head in the study thing.

      If they really want to find the guys, a canvass of local taxidermists might turn something up.

      Less interesting than a Satanic coven gathering materials for a blood ritual to be sure, but also far more likely.

  • Untitled-01

    Could be a serial killer in training.

  • Untitled-01

    Could be a serial killer in training.

  • Liam_McGonagle

    Yeah, that thought had crossed my mind.

    Viewed prosaically, I’m sure that Hadrian’s right; probably just some dumbasses collecting antlers. But there are two natural resource issues that get up peoples’ noses real quick in the upwoods of Wisconsin. One of them’s the fishing rights of indigenous peoples and the other is jackasses hunting on property without the landowner’s permission. The dickweeds who did this had to know this one would earn them just about as much love as Michael Vick’s dogfighting escapades. Collecting antlers, yes; but for a purpose.

    So my thoughts naturally turn (as I suspect yours were as well) to some bizarre occult shit. I assume you’re referring to the meme, pervasive in every culture worldover, whereby the consumption of an animal’s body bestows heightened levels of that animal’s most characteristic traits: speed, strength, ferocity, sexual potency, etc., etc. Frazer wrote all about that shit about 120 years ago in “The Golden Bough”.

    So my further considerations include:

    4. A massive deer brain-harvesting operation intended for the consumption by rightwingers for whom it would definitely represent an upgrade.

    5. The upwoods Deer Antler Syndicate (“DAnS”), a shadowy organization controlling the sexshops in blue light districts throughout the North Woods. Mind you, I have no direct evidence even of their existence, one way or the other, just overheard whispers from some beer addled pensioners in the shebeens and gin mills between Phillips and Black River Falls. Their legendary fearsome field dressing skills preclude any reliable reportage to anyone known to the locals for less than 30 years.

    Anyow, rumour in some of the darker corners of these woods is that DAnS is planning to expand the sex trade in Northern Wisconsin. White slavery had been their traditional revenue stream for generations, and a fine earner. But with the financial markets demanding price/earnings ratios of 10, 20 or even more since the mid ’90′s, some type of radically new product was required.

    That, according to the anonymous, irresponsible mumblings of intoxicated octogenarians in the taverns of Wisconsin’s pinelands, was when Lefty Larson hit upon a deer antler powder marketing scheme.

    http://herbalmagickinc.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=90

    Larson had supposedly made millions plying the favours of the plump northern girls to drunken out-of-town hunters during the regular September through November whitetail hunting season, and invested a good chunk of it in vast ginseng plantations in Marathon County, Wisconsin. Production of ginseng, a perennial tuber found throughout the northern hemisphere, shot off like a rocket in these counties since the 1990′s, when the first twinklings of China’s economic emergence created a boom in demand. Ginseng has traditionally been regarded throughout east Asia as a powerful aid to sexual potency.

    At some point during those years, it is whispered, Larson heard from one of his sales reps about the supposed legendary power of deer antler powder to make a man rut for hours like a sixteen point buck; a new Wisconsin industry was born.

    Mark you, Wausau is in Marathon County, and Lefty is a wealthy, highly-regarded citizen and regular delegate to the state party convention. So you didn’t hear any of this stuff from me.

  • Anonymous

    good lord

  • Butter Knife

    If they just wanted the antlers it would be faster and easier to cut them off without the head. I’d imagine they’re collecting the whole noggin so they can go for the classy deer’s head in the study thing.

    If they really want to find the guys, a canvass of local taxidermists might turn something up.

    Less interesting than a Satanic coven gathering materials for a blood ritual to be sure, but also far more likely.

  • http://voxmagi-necessarywords.blogspot.com/ VoxMagi

    What a waste of good venison. I get the taxidermy angle…and its probably just that…some douchebags hacking off just the heads and not bothering to carry the rest off after the kill, but the waste of meat is insane and shameful. Especially since I’m now really really starved for those grilled medallions of venison I chowed on last winter.

  • http://voxmagi-necessarywords.blogspot.com/ VoxMagi

    What a waste of good venison. I get the taxidermy angle…and its probably just that…some douchebags hacking off just the heads and not bothering to carry the rest off after the kill, but the waste of meat is insane and shameful. Especially since I’m now really really starved for those grilled medallions of venison I chowed on last winter.

  • aet

    I live in Stiles, which if you look at a map is roughly four miles north of Abrams. The general thought around this area is that it’s just a bunch of local redneck kids with nothing better to do than wipe out some bucks before the gun deer season starts this weekend.

  • aet

    I live in Stiles, which if you look at a map is roughly four miles north of Abrams. The general thought around this area is that it’s just a bunch of local redneck kids with nothing better to do than wipe out some bucks before the gun deer season starts this weekend.

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