TSA to Punish Passengers who Opt-Out of Virtual Strip Search with Non-Virtual Groping

TSAJeffrey Goldberg at The Atlantic has published a piece on his experience opting-out of the back-scatter body scanners at Baltimore-Washington International:

At BWI, I told the officer who directed me to the back-scatter that I preferred a pat-down. I did this in order to see how effective the manual search would be. When I made this request, a number of TSA officers, to my surprise, began laughing. I asked why. One of them — the one who would eventually conduct my pat-down — said that the rules were changing shortly, and that I would soon understand why the back-scatter was preferable to the manual search. I asked him if the new guidelines included a cavity search. “No way. You think Congress would allow that?”

I answered, “If you’re a terrorist, you’re going to hide your weapons in your anus or your vagina.” He blushed when I said “vagina.”

“Yes, but starting tomorrow, we’re going to start searching your crotchal area” — this is the word he used, “crotchal” — and you’re not going to like it.”

“What am I not going to like?” I asked.

“We have to search up your thighs and between your legs until we meet resistance,” he explained.

“Resistance?” I asked.

“Your testicles,” he explained.

‘That’s funny,” I said, “because ‘The Resistance’ is the actual name I’ve given to my testicles.”

He answered, “Like ‘The Situation,’ that guy from ‘Jersey Shore?'”

Yes, exactly, I said. (I used to call my testicles “The Insurgency,” but those assholes in Iraq ruined the term.)

I pointed out to the security officer that 50 percent of the American population has no balls (90 percent in Washington, D.C., where I live), so what is going to happen when the pat-down officer meets no resistance in the crotchal area of women? “If there’s no resistance, then there’s nothing there.”

“But what about people who hide weapons in their cavities? I asked. I actually said “vagina” again, just to see him blush. “We’re just not going there,” he reiterated.

I asked him if he was looking forward to conducting the full-on pat-downs. “Nobody’s going to do it,” he said, “once they find out that we’re going to do.”

In other words, people, when faced with a choice, will inevitably choose the Dick-Measuring Device over molestation? “That’s what we’re hoping for. We’re trying to get everyone into the machine.” He called over a colleague. “Tell him what you call the back-scatter,” he said. “The Dick-Measuring Device,” I said. “That’s the truth,” the other officer responded.

[Full Article at The Atlantic]

38 Comments on "TSA to Punish Passengers who Opt-Out of Virtual Strip Search with Non-Virtual Groping"

  1. Hadrian999 | Nov 15, 2010 at 3:33 pm |

    just dealing with TSA douche bags is punishment enough, for anything

  2. Hadrian999 | Nov 15, 2010 at 11:33 am |

    just dealing with TSA douche bags is punishment enough, for anything

  3. Ironaddict06 | Nov 15, 2010 at 3:51 pm |

    Very good points Goldberg makes. If contraband can make it into a prison, for sure contraband can make it on a airplane.

  4. Ironaddict06 | Nov 15, 2010 at 11:51 am |

    Very good points Goldberg makes. If contraband can make it into a prison, for sure contraband can make it on a airplane.

    • Hadrian999 | Nov 15, 2010 at 12:10 pm |

      safety is an illusion, being prepared to face danger is much more effective than trying to remove danger

      • Exactly…we’ve fled from the basic principle of coping with risk in a resolute and determined fashion…and chosen to quiver like faint hearted little milktoasts when threatened with danger. Some of us have spent the last decade howling over what would happen as liberties and basic rights were eroded…but we were drowned out by the vast illiterate horde of Fox fans who were busy crapping their pants with stark terror.

        And yeah…I’m damned bitter about it. As fun as it may be to say these following words to people who cheered for this shit years ago…I hate that I was right and that I can say “I told you so!”

  5. Perfect quote: “We’re trying to get everyone into the machine.”

  6. Perfect quote: “We’re trying to get everyone into the machine.”

  7. Hadrian999 | Nov 15, 2010 at 4:10 pm |

    safety is an illusion, being prepared to face danger is much more effective than trying to remove danger

  8. Brendonius | Nov 15, 2010 at 7:50 pm |

    He really didn’t deal with the cavity issue at all. I would definitly go through the molestation line every time just so that I didn’t feel weird when I did it in order to traffic contraband intead of to make a point.

  9. Brendonius | Nov 15, 2010 at 3:50 pm |

    He really didn’t deal with the cavity issue at all. I would definitly go through the molestation line every time just so that I didn’t feel weird when I did it in order to traffic contraband intead of to make a point.

  10. Himalayansalt | Nov 15, 2010 at 8:58 pm |

    Thanks for posting and for the information. Now a days, lots of terrorist who are planning another attack that’s why every place should be ready and be careful. πŸ™‚

  11. Himalayansalt | Nov 15, 2010 at 8:58 pm |

    Thanks for posting and for the information. Now a days, lots of terrorist who are planning another attack that’s why every place should be ready and be careful. πŸ™‚

  12. Himalayansalt | Nov 15, 2010 at 4:58 pm |

    Thanks for posting and for the information. Now a days, lots of terrorist who are planning another attack that’s why every place should be ready and be careful. πŸ™‚

  13. emperorreagan | Nov 16, 2010 at 5:27 pm |

    US government to airline passengers:

    “LET US SEE YOU NAKED OR WE’LL HAVE OUR AGENTS RAPE YOU.”

  14. emperorreagan | Nov 16, 2010 at 1:27 pm |

    US government to airline passengers:

    “LET US SEE YOU NAKED OR WE’LL HAVE OUR AGENTS RAPE YOU.”

  15. NaturalSelection | Nov 16, 2010 at 5:45 pm |

    Bring on the fondling, molestation and cavity searches…I can’t wait for my next flight, and will make sure to let the agents know just how much I am enjoying their feeling me all up and down. “Is that a weapon of mass destruction in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

  16. NaturalSelection | Nov 16, 2010 at 5:45 pm |

    Bring on the fondling, molestation and cavity searches…I can’t wait for my next flight, and will make sure to let the agents know just how much I am enjoying their feeling me all up and down. “Is that a weapon of mass destruction in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

  17. NaturalSelection | Nov 16, 2010 at 1:45 pm |

    Bring on the fondling, molestation and cavity searches…I can’t wait for my next flight, and will make sure to let the agents know just how much I am enjoying their feeling me all up and down. “Is that a weapon of mass destruction in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

    • Exactly.

      What cracks me up is that they’re going to have someone of the same sex do the groping, thinking somehow that’s going to make it less of a sexual thing.

      But I’m gay.

      So I’m just saying, if my “punishment” for not getting my body irradiated is to get felt up by a cute girl in a uniform? I’m not seeing the problem here.

      “Punishment” Ha! What will the TSA do for me next? Buy me a car like Oprah?

      “YOU get a car! And YOU get a car! And YOU get a car!”

      πŸ™‚

      Right when she gets there, I swear on my honor I’m going to go, “A little to the left, hon. Mmm.. There you go…..” LOLOL!

      • I’m planning to suddenly sing out “Toucha toucha toucha, touuuuch me! I wanna be dirrrty! Thrill me chill me fulfill meeee, creature of the niiiight!” the first chance I get…although since I’ve chosen to drive other than for visits to my lil brother in the UK…it may be awhile.

  18. Will they buy me dinner first, or is it straight with the groping?

    Personally, I like one idea as a response (at last for guys). Wear kilts. And wear them the Scottish way, commando.

    If they’re gonna grab your twigs and berries, they might as well give you a full-on hand job. Methinks when TSA agents start feeling like $3 hookers, this idiocy will come to an end.

  19. Will they buy me dinner first, or is it straight with the groping?Personally, I like one idea as a response (at least for guys). Wear kilts. And wear them the Scottish way, commando.If they’re gonna grab your twigs and berries, they might as well give you a full-on hand job. Methinks when TSA agents start feeling like $3 hookers, this idiocy will come to an end.

    • awww yeah…I’ll hafta remember to get psyched up right before any pat down…then moan excitedly during the whole thing and ask for a cigarette afterwards.

      • hahaha “ask for a cigarette afterwards” – classic.
        as for the kilt idea, that would totally work. although nobody wears a kilt in scotland unless for special occasions. if we did wear it on a flight anywhere it would definitely be with underwear. special occasions equals no undies, cause we’re always too drunk to notice anyway.

    • with germy, dirty gloves

  20. awww yeah…I’ll hafta remember to get psyched up right before any pat down…then moan excitedly during the whole thing and ask for a cigarette afterwards.

  21. Exactly…we’ve fled from the basic principle of coping with risk in a resolute and determined fashion…and chosen to quiver like faint hearted little milktoasts when threatened with danger. Some of us have spent the last decade howling over what would happen as liberties and basic rights were eroded…but we were drowned out by the vast illiterate horde of Fox fans who were busy crapping their pants with stark terror.

    And yeah…I’m damned bitter about it. As fun as it may be to say these following words to people who cheered for this shit years ago…I hate that I was right and that I can say “I told you so!”

  22. hahaha “ask for a cigarette afterwards” – classic.
    as for the kilt idea, that would totally work. although nobody wears a kilt in scotland unless for special occasions. if we did wear it on a flight anywhere it would definitely be with underwear. special occasions equals no undies, cause we’re always too drunk to notice anyway.

  23. Exactly.

    What cracks me up is that they’re going to have someone of the same sex do the groping, thinking somehow that’s going to make it less of a sexual thing.

    But I’m gay.

    So I’m just saying, if my “punishment” for not getting my body irradiated is to get felt up by a cute girl in a uniform? I’m not seeing the problem here.

    “Punishment” Ha! What will the TSA do for me next? Buy me a car like Oprah?

    “YOU get a car! And YOU get a car! And YOU get a car!”

    πŸ™‚

    Right when she gets there, I swear on my honor I’m going to go, “A little to the left, hon. Mmm.. There you go…..” LOLOL!

  24. Anonymous | Nov 21, 2010 at 3:27 pm |

    From now on I’m opting out of the scans…after not showering for a week and a half and wearing my kilt to the airport πŸ˜‰

  25. bigncornfed | Nov 21, 2010 at 11:27 am |

    From now on I’m opting out of the scans…after not showering for a week and a half and wearing my kilt to the airport πŸ˜‰

  26. the tsa says they want to punish us if we do not go through the cancer body scanner machine. lets punish them by eating beans and onions when they check the back side let the gas rip but make sure it stinks give them the same treatment. it takes too to tango.

  27. the tsa says they want to punish us if we do not go through the cancer body scanner machine. lets punish them by eating beans and onions when they check the back side let the gas rip but make sure it stinks give them the same treatment. it takes too to tango.

  28. with germy, dirty gloves

  29. I’m planning to suddenly sing out “Toucha toucha toucha, touuuuch me! I wanna be dirrrty! Thrill me chill me fulfill meeee, creature of the niiiight!” the first chance I get…although since I’ve chosen to drive other than for visits to my lil brother in the UK…it may be awhile.

  30. Disgusting…what happened to the country I love? πŸ™

  31. Disgusting…what happened to the country I love? πŸ™

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