What follows is an open letter to the President of the United States, extending my holiday greetings and providing a brief explanation of some perhaps ‘idiosyncratic’ gifts sent to Pennsylvania Avenue via U.P.S. this past week.
Okay, okay, I realize this may seem rather belated, but let’s be realistic: there was no way you were going to get around to opening my Xmas gifts to you until now. Indeed, they probably still remain unopened in some storage room, if they haven’t already been nicked by the staff you’ve assigned to opening packages. Or the security detail hasn’t mistakenly drawn a sinister interpretation of their contents and ruined them by soaking them in some watery defusion contrivance.
Which would be a great shame. Not because my personal feelings would be injured by the gifts’ destruction, but because recent events have shown me that you sorely in need these items. So much so that I regard it as equally necessary to append this open letter describing the thought process behind each of the gifts. Knowing your reputation for savvy use of social media and keeping ‘in touch’ with the constituency that elected you, I felt sure that the best custodian of this letter was the web, the one place where even your most bumbling and overzealous staff could not destroy or misplace it.
So whenever you get around to opening them, this letter is waiting for you. Can’t miss ‘em. They’re the ones wrapped in green bar paper with this URL slathered all over them. Just promise me you won’t cheat and read ahead, ‘kay? Here goes:
Item #1: Neuticles.
Given the precipitous manner in which you collapsed before Republican calls for taxpayer giveaways to millionaire and billionaire trust fund brats, it’s clear that you’re in need of a new pair of balls. Looking back, you’ve probably been in need of them for a long, long time. My first inkling that you had a testosterone deficiency was pre-midterm, during your lackluster appearance on Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show”. Far from using the opportunity to launch an offensive against a reactionary, plutocratic Republican opposition, you somehow managed to turn what is generally assumed to be a progressive-friendly audience against you.
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