Lord Vader Says: Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Dead

Vader PodiumDen Dhur and Hallis Saper write on the Galatic Empire News:

CORUSCANT— Obi-Wan Kenobi, the mastermind of some of the most devastating attacks on the Galactic Empire and the most hunted man in the galaxy, was killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan, Darth Vader announced on Sunday.

In a late-night appearance in the East Room of the Imperial Palace, Lord Vader declared that “justice has been done” as he disclosed that agents of the Imperial Army and stormtroopers of the 501st Legion had finally cornered Kenobi, one of the leaders of the Jedi rebellion, who had eluded the Empire for nearly two decades. Imperial officials said Kenobi resisted and was cut down by Lord Vader’s own lightsaber. He was later dumped out of an airlock.

The news touched off an extraordinary outpouring of emotion as crowds gathered in the Senate District and outside the Imperial Palace, waving imperial flags, cheering, shouting, laughing and chanting, “Hail to the Emperor! Hail Lord Vader!” In the alien protection zone, crowds sang “The Ten Thousand Year Empire.” Throughout the Sah’c district, airspeeder drivers honked horns deep into the night.

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  • http://twitter.com/pocketofsoil Brent DeBoard

     Horns?! Don’t you mean… klaxons?!!!

  • http://twitter.com/pocketofsoil Brent

     Horns?! Don’t you mean… klaxons?!!!

  • DeepCough

    Well, if he’s dead, then where’s the damn body, Vader? Don’t give me that “one with the Force” bullshit, where the fuck is it?! “Blown up in the Death Star,” you say? Oh, well, a likely story, sure.

  • DeepCough

    Well, if he’s dead, then where’s the damn body, Vader? Don’t give me that “one with the Force” bullshit, where the fuck is it?! “Blown up in the Death Star,” you say? Oh, well, a likely story, sure.

    • Hadrian999

       the deathstar was an inside job, no way a proton torpedo can take out a space station that size

      • Slammo

        I know, we all knew Luke was full of crap…Like I was buyin’ it when he said, ” I used to bullseye wamprats in my T-16 back home. They’re not much more that two meters.”….Riiiight. 

      • dumbsaint

         It clearly exploded at the same rate as the controlled demolition of Alderaan. Wake up people!

      • smooth_operator

        Sorry, but all of these myths have been debunked.  The initial dog-fighting caused many of the fighters to crash into the Death Star, starting numerous fires which then weakened many of the steal support beams.  When Luke fired his torpedo into the breach, the structural integrity was already severely weakened.  This accounts for the chain reaction and following ginormous explosion at lightspeed.

      • http://www.jayurbzz.com jayurbzz

        and what about palpatine’s huge-ass insurance policy he took out just like a week before the thing blew up? the emp scored big time too, got paid for EACH x and y wing that made any damage to the death star, not just red 5’s. plus he got rid off that asshole tarkin

  • Hadrian999

     the deathstar was an inside job, no way a proton torpedo can take out a space station that size

  • Slammo

    I know, we all knew Luke was full of crap…Like I was buyin’ it when he said, ” I used to bullseye wamprats in my T-16 back home. They’re not much more that two meters.”….Riiiight. 

  • Anonymous

     It clearly exploded at the same rate as the controlled demolition of Alderaan. Wake up people!

  • Anonymous

    The real reason for Osama bin Laden’s death was to cover the facts, 1) he had nothing to do with 911, 2) prior to 911 he was on the CIA payroll, 3) to cover the Bushs’ involvement with 911 and lastly to get Obama re-elected. America is radioactive now, all of the USAs so called enemies have to do is wait for the fallout to take its toll.

  • Anonymous

    Sorry, but all of these myths have been debunked.  The initial dog-fighting caused many of the fighters to crash into the Death Star, starting numerous fires which then weakened many of the steal support beams.  When Luke fired his torpedo into the breach, the structural integrity was already ready to collapse.  This accounts for the chain reaction and following ginormous explosion.

  • Anonymous

    You copied and pasted your comment?  Lame. 

  • MrPINKi

    From what I understand they couldn’t have got the bastard if they hadn’t waterboarded Luke, the second in command. Officials say it wasn’t the waterboarding that got the info but after they cut his hand off is when they got the vital intel. 

    • MoralDrift

       Imperial Forces have been using modern, ethical, highly effective torture droid orbs since the last military modernisation period took place over 15 years ago. These droids extract vital intel through a combination of psychotropic drugs and controlled terror.

  • MrPINKi

    From what I understand they couldn’t have got the bastard if they hadn’t waterboarded Luke, the second in command. Officials say it wasn’t the waterboarding that got the info but after they cut his hand off is when they got the vital intel. 

  • Guest

    OK, Ha Ha, but we’re comparing Obi-Wan to Osama Bin Laden?  

    • Guest

      WOAH, DID YOU HEAR THAT?  

      It was the sound of the joke going over someone’s head.

  • Guest

    OK, Ha Ha, but we’re comparing Obi-Wan to Osama Bin Laden?  

  • http://twitter.com/sabrebIade Sabre

    Okay….I needed that.
    LOL

  • http://twitter.com/sabrebIade Sabre

    Okay….I needed that.
    LOL

  • http://newdruidexpress.blogspot.com Symbollocks The Druid

    LORD Vader?  Last I heard of him he was a shabby stock jobber from Birmingham who was being questioned with regard to some shady after-hours trades . . . must have bought his way onto the honors list.

  • http://newdruidexpress.blogspot.com Symbollocks The Druid

    LORD Vader?  Last I heard of him he was a shabby stock jobber from Birmingham who was being questioned with regard to some shady after-hours trades . . . must have bought his way onto the honors list.

  • Anonymous

     Imperial Forces have been using modern, ethical, highly effective torture droid orbs since the last military modernisation period took place over 15 years ago. These droids extract vital intel through a combination of psychotropic drugs and controlled terror.

  • http://www.jayurbzz.com jayurbzz

    and what about palpatine’s huge-ass insurance policy he took out just like a week before the thing blew up? the emp scored big time too, got paid for EACH x and y wing that made any damage to the death star, not just red 5’s. plus he got rid off that asshole tarkin

  • Simiantongue

    This just in…

    Obi-Wan Kenobi’s number two, Luke Skywalker, who was mistakenly believed to have been killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan,  was spotted and nearly killed when he and a band of terrorists were confronted by a small peace keeping force led by Lord Vader on cloud city today.  Skywalker was wounded and believed to be fleeing with the band of rebels in a highly modified YT-1300 light freighter. Lord Vader commented briefly “If he could be turned(Skywalker), he would be a powerful ally.” just before a FOX reporter seemed to go into a epileptic convulsive fit, falling to the floor where he was unable to breath. The press conference was ended so that medical droids could attend the correspondent. Droid medics arrived promptly but were unable to revive him.

    Lord Vaders outreach to a troubled teen in light of Skywalkers troubled background and life is commendable.
    Skywalker’s family were apparently the victims of a random attack by desert raiders during a stabilization period on his home planet of Tatooine while Imperial forces were on a peacekeeping mission there. Skywalker had then joined a terrorist organization and is now suspected to be the head of the terrorist cell responsible for the suicidal bombing attack of a major military hospital and relief installation, The Prevention of Death Star, or The Death Star, as it is commonly known. The Prevention of Death Star is commonly sent to areas of major planetary natural environmental disasters.  Skywalkers whereabouts are presently unknown. Imperial forces are dispatching droids over the known galaxy in an attempt to locate possible insurgent base locations where he may be hiding.

    In other news the tragic death of Admiral Ozzel, who has apparently choked to death on a cherry pit while on the bridge of his command ship. He will be succeeded by Admiral Piett. Ozzel, a long time veteran and…

  • Simiantongue

    This just in…

    Obi-Wan Kenobi’s number two, Luke Skywalker, who was mistakenly believed to have been killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan,  was spotted and nearly killed when he and a band of terrorists were confronted by a small peace keeping force led by Lord Vader on cloud city today.  Skywalker was wounded and believed to be fleeing with the band of rebels in a highly modified YT-1300 light freighter. Lord Vader commented briefly “If he could be turned(Skywalker), he would be a powerful ally.” just before a FOX reporter seemed to go into a epileptic convulsive fit, falling to the floor where he was unable to breath. The press conference was ended so that medical droids could attend the correspondent. Droid medics arrived promptly but were unable to revive him.

    Lord Vaders outreach to a troubled teen in light of Skywalkers troubled background and life is commendable.
    Skywalker’s family were apparently the victims of a random attack by desert raiders during a stabilization period on his home planet of Tatooine while Imperial forces were on a peacekeeping mission there. Skywalker had then joined a terrorist organization and is now suspected to be the head of the terrorist cell responsible for the suicidal bombing attack of a major military hospital and relief installation, The Prevention of Death Star, or The Death Star, as it is commonly known. The Prevention of Death Star is commonly sent to areas of major planetary natural environmental disasters.  Skywalkers whereabouts are presently unknown. Imperial forces are dispatching droids over the known galaxy in an attempt to locate possible insurgent base locations where he may be hiding.

    In other news the tragic death of Admiral Ozzel, who has apparently choked to death on a cherry pit while on the bridge of his command ship. He will be succeeded by Admiral Piett. Ozzel, a long time veteran and…

  • Simiantongue

    This just in…

    Obi-Wan Kenobi’s number two, Luke Skywalker, who was mistakenly believed to have been killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan,  was spotted and nearly killed when he and a band of terrorists were confronted by a small peace keeping force led by Lord Vader on cloud city today.  Skywalker was wounded and believed to be fleeing with the band of rebels in a highly modified YT-1300 light freighter. Lord Vader commented briefly “If he could be turned(Skywalker), he would be a powerful ally.” just before a FOX reporter seemed to go into a epileptic convulsive fit, falling to the floor where he was unable to breath. The press conference was ended so that medical droids could attend the correspondent. Droid medics arrived promptly but were unable to revive him.

    Lord Vaders outreach to a troubled teen in light of Skywalkers troubled background and life is commendable.
    Skywalker’s family were apparently the victims of a random attack by desert raiders during a stabilization period on his home planet of Tatooine while Imperial forces were on a peacekeeping mission there. Skywalker had then joined a terrorist organization and is now suspected to be the head of the terrorist cell responsible for the suicidal bombing attack of a major military hospital and relief installation, The Prevention of Death Star, or The Death Star, as it is commonly known. The Prevention of Death Star is commonly sent to areas of major planetary natural environmental disasters.  Skywalkers whereabouts are presently unknown. Imperial forces are dispatching droids over the known galaxy in an attempt to locate possible insurgent base locations where he may be hiding.

    In other news the tragic death of Admiral Ozzel, who has apparently choked to death on a cherry pit while on the bridge of his command ship. He will be succeeded by Admiral Piett. Ozzel, a long time veteran and…

  • Sorejack

     what is the name of the website that makes clone pages? i hope all the news gets done like this

  • Sorejack

     what is the name of the website that makes clone pages? i hope all the news gets done like this

  • Guest

    WOAH, DID YOU HEAR THAT?  

    It was the sound of the joke going over someone’s head.

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