With $666,000 in Federal Research Money, Scientists Determined Prayer Could Not Heal AIDS

PrayerTrine Tsouderos reports in the Chicago Tribune:

Thanks to a $374,000 taxpayer-funded grant, we now know that inhaling lemon and lavender scents doesn’t do a lot for our ability to heal a wound. With $666,000 in federal research money, scientists examined whether distant prayer could heal AIDS. It could not.

The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine also helped pay scientists to study whether squirting brewed coffee into someone’s intestines can help treat pancreatic cancer (a $406,000 grant) and whether massage makes people with advanced cancer feel better ($1.25 million). The coffee enemas did not help. The massage did.

NCCAM also has invested in studies of various forms of energy healing, including one based on the ideas of a self-described “healer, clairvoyant and medicine woman” who says her children inspired her to learn to read auras. The cost for that was $104,000.

More: Chicago Tribune

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  • dumbsaint

    The clear satanic numerology in the grant must have interfered it’s the only explanation.

    • DeepCough

      In spite of popular belief, 666 is just the Number of the Beast, whereas 999 is the number of the Devil himself. But I like the effect nevertheless.

      • Apostle

        Recent discoveries by biblical scholars say 616 is the mark of the beast. 666 being another one of those mistakes made in translating.

  • Thom Vane

    The clear satanic numerology in the grant must have interfered it’s the only explanation.

  • JaceD

    How did the scientists conduct their experiments? I bet it had something to do with sitting around a table, drinking coffee and laughing at the suckers who paid that much money to research, well, nothing

  • Anonymous

    How did the scientists conduct their experiments? I bet it had something to do with sitting around a table, drinking coffee and laughing at the suckers who paid that much money to research, well, nothing

  • BuzzCoastin

    i wonder how i can get a grant for some Purple Haze/Bubblegum/AK-47 Sour
    to see whither or not i can feel happier
    smoking free pot
    while praying to Jebus that pot gets made legal
    where do is submit that grant request?
    CIA?

    • DeepCough

      Apply to the University of Mississippi, where the government stash is grown (I’m being dead serious here).

  • http://buzzcoastin.posterous.com BuzzCoastin

    i wonder how i can get a grant for some Purple Haze/Bubblegum/AK-47 Sour
    to see whither or not i can feel happier
    smoking free pot
    while praying to Jebus that pot gets made legal
    where do is submit that grant request?
    CIA?

  • http://buzzcoastin.posterous.com BuzzCoastin

    i wonder how i can get a grant for some Purple Haze/Bubblegum/AK-47 Sour
    to see whither or not i can feel happier
    smoking free pot
    while praying to Jebus that pot gets made legal
    where do is submit that grant request?
    CIA?

  • Gregory Wyrdmaven

    Well.  It’s easy to condemn such spendatures.  The prayer one seems especially suspect.  However, since I do browse the “You’re going to Hell” aisle at Barnes and Noble I would not immediately discount that either since you’re talking about “softly spoken magic spells.”  Often, simply researching something may yield an unexpected result.  Like the time Jackson Pollock made the mistake of holding an open paint can while jumping on a trampoline one day.

    The REAL problem is that people are able to sucker the government in general to basically create a career for them by researching something while they’re guffawing under their breath all the time.  There was an article the other day about the findings of “Evolutionary Psychologists.”  I’m in the wrong career.  I should be a “Chicken Dentist.”  So yes…there is waste.  But one time someone’s going to find something that will give us those sidearm laser guns and jetpacks that the 50s comic books promised us that we’d have by now.

    The issue is oversight and expectations and basically saying…what real purpose does this research, your job, hold? 

    Other careers in which people are basically printing money with nothing to show for it:  Palentology.  (They’ve been dead millions of years and you really have no idea what they looked like.)  Insurance Agents (We can do all that online, now.  Also, we know “middle men” get their cut which is why your rates are so high and the gecko deals with mayhem just as well as you do.)  Paranormal researchers/psychics/tarot readers who aren’t also skeptics.  (It could be CO poisoning, subaudible vibrations, bad plumbing or menapause that makes them think that Nathan Bedford Forrest is talking to them via their HVAC unit.)  99% of the policitians in Uhmurkah.  (Really?  You think we’re stupid?) 

    Also…Adam Sandler.

    Fiat lux.       

  • Gregory Wyrdmaven

    Well.  It’s easy to condemn such spendatures.  The prayer one seems especially suspect.  However, since I do browse the “You’re going to Hell” aisle at Barnes and Noble I would not immediately discount that either since you’re talking about “softly spoken magic spells.”  Often, simply researching something may yield an unexpected result.  Like the time Jackson Pollock made the mistake of holding an open paint can while jumping on a trampoline one day.

    The REAL problem is that people are able to sucker the government in general to basically create a career for them by researching something while they’re guffawing under their breath all the time.  There was an article the other day about the findings of “Evolutionary Psychologists.”  I’m in the wrong career.  I should be a “Chicken Dentist.”  So yes…there is waste.  But one time someone’s going to find something that will give us those sidearm laser guns and jetpacks that the 50s comic books promised us that we’d have by now.

    The issue is oversight and expectations and basically saying…what real purpose does this research, your job, hold? 

    Other careers in which people are basically printing money with nothing to show for it:  Palentology.  (They’ve been dead millions of years and you really have no idea what they looked like.)  Insurance Agents (We can do all that online, now.  Also, we know “middle men” get their cut which is why your rates are so high and the gecko deals with mayhem just as well as you do.)  Paranormal researchers/psychics/tarot readers who aren’t also skeptics.  (It could be CO poisoning, subaudible vibrations, bad plumbing or menapause that makes them think that Nathan Bedford Forrest is talking to them via their HVAC unit.)  99% of the policitians in Uhmurkah.  (Really?  You think we’re stupid?) 

    Also…Adam Sandler.

    Fiat lux.       

  • Raz

    They are job creators!!! Someday they will create a prayer to give dudes boners and the whole country will be saved and entertained at the same time!!! It will be a miracle!! haleluia!!!

  • Raz

    They are job creators!!! Someday they will create a prayer to give dudes boners and the whole country will be saved and entertained at the same time!!! It will be a miracle!! haleluia!!!

  • Raz

    They are job creators!!! Someday they will create a prayer to give dudes boners and the whole country will be saved and entertained at the same time!!! It will be a miracle!! haleluia!!!

  • DeepCough

    In spite of popular belief, 666 is just the Number of the Beast, whereas 999 is the number of the Devil himself. But I like the effect nevertheless.

  • DeepCough

    Apply to the University of Mississippi, where the government stash is grown (I’m being dead serious here).

  • DeepCough

    Well, good thing they didn’t get a grant of $777,000–because even the number of Heaven wouldn’t have changed the results much, either :P.

  • DeepCough

    Well, good thing they didn’t get a grant of $777,000–because even the number of Heaven wouldn’t have changed the results much, either :P.

  • https://me.yahoo.com/a/UeAp3ts00cjDylpUxpm29gow12s-#86a37 Max

    Debunking aromatherapy is money well spent.

  • https://me.yahoo.com/a/UeAp3ts00cjDylpUxpm29gow12s-#86a37 Max

    Debunking aromatherapy is money well spent.

  • Oskorei123

    There are hungry kids in this country and we are squirting coffee up people’s asses.  

  • Oskorei123

    There are hungry kids in this country and we are squirting coffee up people’s asses.  

  • Apostle

    Recent discoveries by biblical scholars say 616 is the mark of the beast. 666 being another one of those mistakes made in translating.

  • Tuna Ghost

    Well let’s hope this is the last time the US has to spend half a million dollars to figure out something like that

    • Allison

      I love your optimism, incurable optimism, I am green with envy.

      If the religions paid taxes, I wouldn’t mind that they’re getting a little back. Falun Gung would probably have to get $ 8,888.88 because that’s the Chinese lucky number.

  • Tuna Ghost

    Well let’s hope this is the last time the US has to spend half a million dollars to figure out something like that

  • D.D.B.

    Prayer can heal anything! Except: AIDS, war, starvation, oppression, all other diseases, and pedophilia!

  • D.D.B.

    Prayer can heal anything! Except: AIDS, war, starvation, oppression, all other diseases, and pedophilia!

  • http://blog.trwolfe.com T.R. Wolfe

    Tim Tebow should have been one of the researchers…

  • http://blog.trwolfe.com T.R. Wolfe

    Tim Tebow should have been one of the researchers…

  • RoboBagons

    What a waste of money. That’s like paying someone to figure out if santa clause is real. SHIT, PAY ME, and I’ll give the answer REAL quick

  • RoboBagons

    What a waste of money. That’s like paying someone to figure out if santa clause is real. SHIT, PAY ME, and I’ll give the answer REAL quick

  • Anarchy Pony

    Lulz.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Lulz.

  • Allison

    I love your optimism, incurable optimism, I am green with envy.

    If the religions paid taxes, I wouldn’t mind that they’re getting a little back. Falun Gung would probably have to get $ 8,888.88 because that’s the Chinese lucky number.

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