With $666,000 in Federal Research Money, Scientists Determined Prayer Could Not Heal AIDS

PrayerTrine Tsouderos reports in the Chicago Tribune:

Thanks to a $374,000 taxpayer-funded grant, we now know that inhaling lemon and lavender scents doesn’t do a lot for our ability to heal a wound. With $666,000 in federal research money, scientists examined whether distant prayer could heal AIDS. It could not.

The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine also helped pay scientists to study whether squirting brewed coffee into someone’s intestines can help treat pancreatic cancer (a $406,000 grant) and whether massage makes people with advanced cancer feel better ($1.25 million). The coffee enemas did not help. The massage did.

NCCAM also has invested in studies of various forms of energy healing, including one based on the ideas of a self-described “healer, clairvoyant and medicine woman” who says her children inspired her to learn to read auras. The cost for that was $104,000.

More: Chicago Tribune

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36 Responses to With $666,000 in Federal Research Money, Scientists Determined Prayer Could Not Heal AIDS

  1. dumbsaint December 13, 2011 at 3:35 am #

    The clear satanic numerology in the grant must have interfered it’s the only explanation.

    • DeepCough December 13, 2011 at 11:15 am #

      In spite of popular belief, 666 is just the Number of the Beast, whereas 999 is the number of the Devil himself. But I like the effect nevertheless.

      • Apostle December 13, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

        Recent discoveries by biblical scholars say 616 is the mark of the beast. 666 being another one of those mistakes made in translating.

  2. Thom Vane December 13, 2011 at 7:35 am #

    The clear satanic numerology in the grant must have interfered it’s the only explanation.

  3. JaceD December 13, 2011 at 3:45 am #

    How did the scientists conduct their experiments? I bet it had something to do with sitting around a table, drinking coffee and laughing at the suckers who paid that much money to research, well, nothing

  4. Anonymous December 13, 2011 at 7:45 am #

    How did the scientists conduct their experiments? I bet it had something to do with sitting around a table, drinking coffee and laughing at the suckers who paid that much money to research, well, nothing

  5. BuzzCoastin December 13, 2011 at 5:26 am #

    i wonder how i can get a grant for some Purple Haze/Bubblegum/AK-47 Sour
    to see whither or not i can feel happier
    smoking free pot
    while praying to Jebus that pot gets made legal
    where do is submit that grant request?
    CIA?

    • DeepCough December 13, 2011 at 11:16 am #

      Apply to the University of Mississippi, where the government stash is grown (I’m being dead serious here).

  6. BuzzCoastin December 13, 2011 at 9:26 am #

    i wonder how i can get a grant for some Purple Haze/Bubblegum/AK-47 Sour
    to see whither or not i can feel happier
    smoking free pot
    while praying to Jebus that pot gets made legal
    where do is submit that grant request?
    CIA?

  7. BuzzCoastin December 13, 2011 at 9:26 am #

    i wonder how i can get a grant for some Purple Haze/Bubblegum/AK-47 Sour
    to see whither or not i can feel happier
    smoking free pot
    while praying to Jebus that pot gets made legal
    where do is submit that grant request?
    CIA?

  8. Gregory Wyrdmaven December 13, 2011 at 9:43 am #

    Well.  It’s easy to condemn such spendatures.  The prayer one seems especially suspect.  However, since I do browse the “You’re going to Hell” aisle at Barnes and Noble I would not immediately discount that either since you’re talking about “softly spoken magic spells.”  Often, simply researching something may yield an unexpected result.  Like the time Jackson Pollock made the mistake of holding an open paint can while jumping on a trampoline one day.

    The REAL problem is that people are able to sucker the government in general to basically create a career for them by researching something while they’re guffawing under their breath all the time.  There was an article the other day about the findings of “Evolutionary Psychologists.”  I’m in the wrong career.  I should be a “Chicken Dentist.”  So yes…there is waste.  But one time someone’s going to find something that will give us those sidearm laser guns and jetpacks that the 50s comic books promised us that we’d have by now.

    The issue is oversight and expectations and basically saying…what real purpose does this research, your job, hold? 

    Other careers in which people are basically printing money with nothing to show for it:  Palentology.  (They’ve been dead millions of years and you really have no idea what they looked like.)  Insurance Agents (We can do all that online, now.  Also, we know “middle men” get their cut which is why your rates are so high and the gecko deals with mayhem just as well as you do.)  Paranormal researchers/psychics/tarot readers who aren’t also skeptics.  (It could be CO poisoning, subaudible vibrations, bad plumbing or menapause that makes them think that Nathan Bedford Forrest is talking to them via their HVAC unit.)  99% of the policitians in Uhmurkah.  (Really?  You think we’re stupid?) 

    Also…Adam Sandler.

    Fiat lux.       

  9. Gregory Wyrdmaven December 13, 2011 at 1:43 pm #

    Well.  It’s easy to condemn such spendatures.  The prayer one seems especially suspect.  However, since I do browse the “You’re going to Hell” aisle at Barnes and Noble I would not immediately discount that either since you’re talking about “softly spoken magic spells.”  Often, simply researching something may yield an unexpected result.  Like the time Jackson Pollock made the mistake of holding an open paint can while jumping on a trampoline one day.

    The REAL problem is that people are able to sucker the government in general to basically create a career for them by researching something while they’re guffawing under their breath all the time.  There was an article the other day about the findings of “Evolutionary Psychologists.”  I’m in the wrong career.  I should be a “Chicken Dentist.”  So yes…there is waste.  But one time someone’s going to find something that will give us those sidearm laser guns and jetpacks that the 50s comic books promised us that we’d have by now.

    The issue is oversight and expectations and basically saying…what real purpose does this research, your job, hold? 

    Other careers in which people are basically printing money with nothing to show for it:  Palentology.  (They’ve been dead millions of years and you really have no idea what they looked like.)  Insurance Agents (We can do all that online, now.  Also, we know “middle men” get their cut which is why your rates are so high and the gecko deals with mayhem just as well as you do.)  Paranormal researchers/psychics/tarot readers who aren’t also skeptics.  (It could be CO poisoning, subaudible vibrations, bad plumbing or menapause that makes them think that Nathan Bedford Forrest is talking to them via their HVAC unit.)  99% of the policitians in Uhmurkah.  (Really?  You think we’re stupid?) 

    Also…Adam Sandler.

    Fiat lux.       

  10. Raz December 13, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    They are job creators!!! Someday they will create a prayer to give dudes boners and the whole country will be saved and entertained at the same time!!! It will be a miracle!! haleluia!!!

  11. Raz December 13, 2011 at 1:54 pm #

    They are job creators!!! Someday they will create a prayer to give dudes boners and the whole country will be saved and entertained at the same time!!! It will be a miracle!! haleluia!!!

  12. Raz December 13, 2011 at 1:54 pm #

    They are job creators!!! Someday they will create a prayer to give dudes boners and the whole country will be saved and entertained at the same time!!! It will be a miracle!! haleluia!!!

  13. DeepCough December 13, 2011 at 3:15 pm #

    In spite of popular belief, 666 is just the Number of the Beast, whereas 999 is the number of the Devil himself. But I like the effect nevertheless.

  14. DeepCough December 13, 2011 at 3:16 pm #

    Apply to the University of Mississippi, where the government stash is grown (I’m being dead serious here).

  15. DeepCough December 13, 2011 at 11:17 am #

    Well, good thing they didn’t get a grant of $777,000–because even the number of Heaven wouldn’t have changed the results much, either :P.

  16. DeepCough December 13, 2011 at 3:17 pm #

    Well, good thing they didn’t get a grant of $777,000–because even the number of Heaven wouldn’t have changed the results much, either :P.

  17. Max December 13, 2011 at 1:14 pm #

    Debunking aromatherapy is money well spent.

  18. Max December 13, 2011 at 5:14 pm #

    Debunking aromatherapy is money well spent.

  19. Oskorei123 December 13, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

    There are hungry kids in this country and we are squirting coffee up people’s asses.  

  20. Oskorei123 December 13, 2011 at 5:25 pm #

    There are hungry kids in this country and we are squirting coffee up people’s asses.  

  21. Apostle December 13, 2011 at 6:27 pm #

    Recent discoveries by biblical scholars say 616 is the mark of the beast. 666 being another one of those mistakes made in translating.

  22. Tuna Ghost December 13, 2011 at 2:39 pm #

    Well let’s hope this is the last time the US has to spend half a million dollars to figure out something like that

    • Allison December 15, 2011 at 1:00 am #

      I love your optimism, incurable optimism, I am green with envy.

      If the religions paid taxes, I wouldn’t mind that they’re getting a little back. Falun Gung would probably have to get $ 8,888.88 because that’s the Chinese lucky number.

  23. Tuna Ghost December 13, 2011 at 6:39 pm #

    Well let’s hope this is the last time the US has to spend half a million dollars to figure out something like that

  24. D.D.B. December 13, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    Prayer can heal anything! Except: AIDS, war, starvation, oppression, all other diseases, and pedophilia!

  25. D.D.B. December 13, 2011 at 7:25 pm #

    Prayer can heal anything! Except: AIDS, war, starvation, oppression, all other diseases, and pedophilia!

  26. T.R. Wolfe December 13, 2011 at 7:13 pm #

    Tim Tebow should have been one of the researchers…

  27. T.R. Wolfe December 13, 2011 at 11:13 pm #

    Tim Tebow should have been one of the researchers…

  28. RoboBagons December 14, 2011 at 4:49 am #

    What a waste of money. That’s like paying someone to figure out if santa clause is real. SHIT, PAY ME, and I’ll give the answer REAL quick

  29. RoboBagons December 14, 2011 at 12:49 am #

    What a waste of money. That’s like paying someone to figure out if santa clause is real. SHIT, PAY ME, and I’ll give the answer REAL quick

  30. Anarchy Pony December 14, 2011 at 6:30 pm #

    Lulz.

  31. Anarchy Pony December 14, 2011 at 2:30 pm #

    Lulz.

  32. Allison December 15, 2011 at 5:00 am #

    I love your optimism, incurable optimism, I am green with envy.

    If the religions paid taxes, I wouldn’t mind that they’re getting a little back. Falun Gung would probably have to get $ 8,888.88 because that’s the Chinese lucky number.

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