The Bible’s Eight Goriest Passages

By on January 18, 2012 in News 9

bibleAnd this is a text that people use to teach their children morality? Via Cracked, eight bible stories that compete with the worst horror novels and slasher movies in terms of grotesque, over-the-top violence, including the impaling of Haman on a 75-foot spike, the serving of John the Baptist’s head on a platter at a banquet, Herod being eaten alive by worms as Godly punishment, a lake of blood filled by crushing masses of people inside a giant wine press, and the dismembering of a prostitute:

“When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, ‘Get up; let’s go.’ But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home. When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into 12 parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel.”

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  • justagirl

    my tiny little nipples went to france.  HEH!!  back to you fuckerz!!

    • DeepCough

      I heard there’s a place in France where all the naked women dance.

    • Calypso_1

      Combien de temps avez-vous été sans mamelons?

  • BurningTightRope

    Oh brother. Disinformation posts this junk as a thought provoking “informative” “article”????? No wonder this site is DISINFORMATION due to the lack thereof. And the previous 3 comments are perfect for illustrating the atrophying and boredom that “articles” like this breed.

    Might I say the writer JacobSloan is no writer, and merely is a whiner spouting a rather dumb bit of uneducated drivel. Even the pic used, I suppose to add effect to the “lake of blood” reference is posted (likely in violation of copyright) from The Descent. Anything to misrepresent and hype your uneducated and deceptive claims. So much for an enlightened person posting info in the interest of truth and the brotherhood of humankind. And you do this as a rant against judeo-christians to show hiw fucked up they and what they believe in are. BUT YOU’RE SPOUTING OFF EVEN MORE DELUSIONAL AND ERRANT CRAP in the name of being not as dumb as you allege they are. 

    How moronic. 

    I’ll at least say this for the bible, regardless of how it came together and its percentages of accurate material or beneficial philosophy. In the collection of books, nothing is sugar coated. The evils of human behavior are not held back. That is a fact. It’s partly to illustrate how screwed up people are and, yes, how much we somehow, to some degree, need to be saved from our own stupidity, delusions (see article above) and our insistence on seeing things only from our small-minded, myopic and self-serving point of view. Most of the time, it’s what we do.

    As for what Sloan has slopped in front of us as erudite observation, all of the stories mentioned except the “lake of blood” are illustrations of bad behavior and their results, and whether historic or not, are written as allegedly true accounts. — The wine press of god bit is from Revelation and is not considered as literal, but prophetic symbolic metaphor. And geeeez Jacob, there’re a hell of a lot more horror stories than that for your pointless sensationalistic anti-christian view. Suffice it to say that the ancient texts assembled as the bible were not written for children – DUHHH! Any lessons to be learned about moral and civil behavior should be filtered properly by their parents. NO DIFFERENTLY than an atheist parent not filling their kid’s mind with stupid shit like this.

    And lastly: THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE IN BIBLICAL HEBREW or New Testament  accounts of violence and “horror” than can be readily seen profusely on tv, internet, magazine, newspaper, books – fact or fiction….. And ALL of those have similar purpose and points as any ancient account.

    So, in all of your “brilliance” ~ WHAT’S YOUR POINT?!?!?!? 

    It only seems to be the ego stroking you get from posting junk opinion on a biased web site existing with the sole purpose of disseminating misinformation as “enlightenment” to a throng of head waggers who don’t seem to care what the suck in to rationalize their salad bar belief systems. — I came here thinking that non-religious, anti-theistic people actually had brains, logic and a basis of facts to their philosophies and non-god beliefs. Everyday, here and all over the web, I see that this is NOT TRUE.

    Amazing how people will eat anything and vomit it back up as truth, and how so many queue up to suck it up all over again with a golden spoon. justagirl is totally on the mark! back to you fuckers!!

    • Half-naked Hot Jesus

      I guess you masturbate reading the bible.

      • BurningTightRope

        Ha Ha, funny Half-naked (Half-baked) Hot Jesus, though I have zero idea where your insult is coming from – unless you’re JacobSloan, the writer of this junk. Or are you merely just stupid enough to get behind this tripe? — I stand behind my original comment. 
        >

        Honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine what in my comment caused your imagination to concoct “masturbating to the bible”. Does my disdain for people misrepresenting things “turn you on”? Or perhaps it’s my indignation that too many atheists present themselves as intelligent while producing this kind of rubbish? Atheists need not be so stupid. And why should unbelievers put up with posers and bullshitters ????  

        >

        While I have solid reasoning for not believing in religion, I’m not so sold out to just naively accept things that other unbelievers say, nor am I so arrogant as to make bigoted, sweeping generalizations that EVERYTHING in the context of a belief system like christianity, or any other religion, is ALL false and deviously crafted as a mind controlling conspiracy. (for example: judeo-christian philosophy teaches “don’t commit murder” – if you, as an atheist have a problem with that as a religious (or human) ideal, then you are NOT a person of reason. And if you can’t see that religion, as a human cultural construct, contains some points of value, then… no wonder you sit and imagine someone masturbating to the bible – you’re an willing idiot.)

        >

        As for myself, I haven’t peeked into the “dirty” pages of the bible for years, but that doesn’t mean that, in my unbelief, that I’ve become like so many half-naked unbelieving fools like yourself that I’ve staring thinking with my cock like you do. 

        >

        I’m an agnostic. Why is it that fake atheists like you are so stupid as to eschew  reason in your worship of misinformation and every bit of rot that spews from the mouths and brains of your fellow fake atheists ???? And of course, since you’re too lazy or dim-witted to comprehend, much less take the time to prove what you read (or write) as accurate or even half-naked-logic, you slip into your next lower level of “intelligence”, thoughtless insults. TYPICAL FAKE ATHEISTIC RESPONSE. Too dumb to make an intelligent point.

        >

        The reason I call you and your ilk fake atheists is because any real atheist who genuinely prefers logic, reason, science and concrete truth over probable myth, would see right through so much of this Disinformation brown-nosing. That’s my biggest complaint with so much of what I see here. People suck it in as truth, no questions asked. 

        >

        HOW CAN YOU BE SO DOWN ON PEOPLE THAT YOU SAY WORSHIP AN IMAGINARY gOD, WHEN YOU YOURSELF WORSHIP BAD ATHEISM RELIGIOUSLY???

        >

        So while your jacking off to your own glorious image in the mirror, at least please be honest enough to admit that the unbelief that you practice is rooted in anything but reality. You worship lame opinions and rhetoric. You practice unbelief based on emotion and herd mentality mockery. You wouldn’t recognize science, reason, logic and truth if it bit your dick off (since you’re so phallus-centric).

        >

        Don’t insult real unbelievers by claiming to be one. Your atheism is founded on crap information and arrogant opinion, not facts or truth. You’re as religious as they cum.

  • Newspapersuit

    Note: were any of these things done by God?
    Answer: Yes, and No.
    1. Haman was either hung or impaled by a Persian King.
    2. John the Baptist was beheaded by a Gentile King, Herod, not a worshipper of Yaweh.  It wouldn’t make sense for God to have a spokesperson for Jesus beheaded anyway.  Hello!  Duh!!

    3. Herod was punished for his sins by becoming so sick he was eaten with worms.  This implies a parasitic environment in his intestines that was most likely growing over time and had at last reached a critical point.  Why would we want to defend such a person anyways?  He was obviously an evil man who took pleasure in giving gifts to others that were the body parts of a human being who was a preacher of peace, a peaceful activist as it were.  Harod deserved to die.

    4. When it mentions a valley filled with blood in the book of Revelation it is only that way because millions of soldiers/people have been killing each other in it…it’s the BATTLE of Armagedon.  God is seen symbolically “treading the winepresses of His wrath” in this case because whenever this battle occurs these people who die in that valley are going to be unbelievably evil, so He is letting them dish it out with each other, which just happens to fulfill his anger toward them for being stinking evil and greedy or whatever other reason they will be going to war for.  Note: if there are any big battles about to occur in the valley of Megido (which is 200 miles across) in the near future, I’ve got a tip for ya….don’t plan on being there!

    5. His concubine was raped and presumably dead on his doorstep.  The fact that he cut her in pieces upset a whole lot of people, and Yaweh’s voice this entire time was silent…blame cannot be placed on Him for actions He did not commit.  It was a man, acting alone, who did this thing.

  • Kiminbushwick

    Newspapersuit:  YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND.
    NONE of what you just said has any reality to it whatsoever, these are stories, fucked up stories in a BOOK. The fact that you are attempting to rationalize any of this disgusting bullshit makes you look like a damned ignoramus.
     
    Also: Any “god” that would remain silent about any “man” cutting up any woman-FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER-ESPECIALLY AFTER THIS WOMAN HAD BEEN RAPED AND KILLED (hows that “duh” for you, dumbass), is a fucking PSYCHOPATH.

  • REALLY BIG DONG !!!

    Hairy balls to the max, everyone !!!