British Woman Predicts The Future Via Throwing Asparagus

South West England’s This Is Somerset profiles a local celebrity who hurls pieces of asparagus and gleans the future by interpreting how they land. Think of it as a terrible alternative to reading tea leaves:

A fortune teller who predicts the future using ASPARAGUS unveiled her top tips for 2012 – including two Royal pregnancies, the collapse of the Euro, and British glory at the Olympics. Mystic Jemima Packington, 56, claims to be the world’s only Asparamancer. She has made dozens of accurate predictions in recent years, including the demise of Gordon Brown, the credit crunch, and Oscar glory for British film The King’s Speech.

13 Comments on "British Woman Predicts The Future Via Throwing Asparagus"

  1. Fuzzknocker | Feb 10, 2012 at 6:54 pm |

    HAHAHAHAHA you have to be kidding. What a load of shit.

  2. Anarchy Pony | Feb 10, 2012 at 7:40 pm |

    Not as good as casting bones.

  3. Simiantongue | Feb 10, 2012 at 7:52 pm |

    Bones asparagus, whatever. Does she get results better than simple chance I’m wondering?  Dozens of accurate predictions, but out of how many predictions, thousands?

    I’m willing to give this a chance over something like the predictions of economic models. Because when she is wrong I would still get some nice asparagus to go with dinner at least. When economists are wrong I just get the shaft.

    • There’s an interesting book about pundits in journalism and academia who predict the future. It says that actually their success rate is roughly that of chance. However, when they do turn out to have got something right, people only remember that and all the previous dud predictions get forgotten. There’s a fellow, forgot his name just now, who is somewhat liked on internet message boards. He ‘accurately’ predicted the crash, but he’d actually been saying stuff like “There will be a crash in a couple of years” since around 1990. Eventually there was one, now people wank over it forgetting all the other crap he got wrong as if he were some seer.

  4. I like to hook a small flashlight to my dick, enter a totally dark room, then do a time exposure while gyrating madly with the flashlight on. Then I check the photo and from the pattern created, I can predict the future of people who throw vegetables around:

    I see many wasted vegetables in this woman’s future.

    Those are my official findings. You have 48 hours to dispute them, after which time they will become future fact.

  5. The theory of evolution was once a load of shit.

  6. Never trust a salad.

  7. …and achieves an accuracy rate roughly equivalent to 9 out of 10 TV pundits. 

  8. It is sad to see how many people takes the devil’s work as a joke: that is exactly what he wants, so you stupidly start throwing things to mock this woman, pretending you predict the future, makeing yourself vulnerable to the influence of Satan. Between burning witches and mocking them, there are many options for a real CHANGE.

  9. Wow, predicting that Gordon Brown was going to go down. Nobody could have forseen that happening….. unless they were able to read.

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