Chinese Hospitals Introduce Hands-Free Automatic Sperm Extractor

Chinese hospitals are introducing a new machine to extract sperm from donors: The device has a massaging pipe at the front which apparently can be adjusted for speed, frequency and temperature, among other variables, and it can be adjusted to the height of the user. The machine also has a small screen at the top to play movies in order to help with the “extraction process.”

42 Comments on "Chinese Hospitals Introduce Hands-Free Automatic Sperm Extractor"

  1. Matt Staggs | Oct 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm |

    Looks like a handy invention.

  2. Matt Staggs | Oct 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm |

    Looks like a handy invention.

  3. Baked Fishskin | Oct 4, 2012 at 3:26 pm |

    Similar to the machine in THX 1138

  4. Baked Fishskin | Oct 4, 2012 at 3:26 pm |

    Similar to the machine in THX 1138

  5. WTH is wrong with this World?

    • Calypso_1 | Oct 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm |

      If you had to choose between the existence of the police state or automatic sperm extractors what would it be?

    • Calypso_1 | Oct 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm |

      If you had to choose between the existence of the police state or automatic sperm extractors what would it be?

      • Luckily we don’t have to and we’ve got both.

        Wait…

        • Calypso_1 | Oct 4, 2012 at 5:01 pm |

          What if crowd control was robotic ‘sperm extractors’? That would calm all that testosterone fueled rage.

          You will love the state. And now we have your DNA.

    • Matt Staggs | Oct 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm |

      Welcome to the Freak Show. 

      • Calypso_1 | Oct 4, 2012 at 4:07 pm |

        I could make this much more high-brow and talk about dissipative thermodynamic systems and positive feedback loops. 

        • Matt Staggs | Oct 4, 2012 at 4:35 pm |

          I don’t feel like my job is done here until at least one story offends or annoys someone. If I’m making everyone happy then I’m not doing it right.

          • Calypso_1 | Oct 4, 2012 at 4:56 pm |

            You love it when we slap around Wiltshire don’t you. 

            (Camron you knucklehead its a JOKE, cheers)

          • Calypso_1 | Oct 4, 2012 at 4:56 pm |

            You love it when we slap around Wiltshire don’t you. 

            (Camron you knucklehead its a JOKE, cheers)

          • Just slap Robohooker 999 around.  Get it out of your system 😉

          • Calypso_1 | Oct 4, 2012 at 6:30 pm |

            I love you Camron.  You’re a funny guy.

          • Infvocuernos | Oct 4, 2012 at 6:45 pm |

            I have nothing but contempt and suspicion for those I agree with completely.  What I’m wondering is why does China need sperm donors?!?! 

          • Infvocuernos | Oct 4, 2012 at 6:45 pm |

            I have nothing but contempt and suspicion for those I agree with completely.  What I’m wondering is why does China need sperm donors?!?! 

  6. (I’m going to take the high road here and not make any jokes about Candy Stripers or male nurses.)

    So, this is like a Fleshlight with MRSA?

    • Calypso_1 | Oct 4, 2012 at 3:59 pm |

      I may hold a DNP but I am a male nurse.   Sooo, I appreciate your restraint. 
      And it would more likely just have HPV & Chlamydia.  Everything else would be too easy to screen for.

      EDIT: That of course would make it like all other fleshlights in the world.

      • Liam_McGonagle | Oct 4, 2012 at 7:07 pm |

        A sensible, IQ-indexed alternative to the “1 Child” policy.  Any jerkbag dumb enough to stuff his junk into this gets a couple of thousand volts to kill off any swimmers.

      • Liam_McGonagle | Oct 4, 2012 at 7:07 pm |

        A sensible, IQ-indexed alternative to the “1 Child” policy.  Any jerkbag dumb enough to stuff his junk into this gets a couple of thousand volts to kill off any swimmers.

  7. The upgrade kit comes complete with, wigs, perfume and camouflage storage unit. 

  8. DeepCough | Oct 4, 2012 at 6:51 pm |

    I was expecting this thing to come outta Japan first.

  9. Sketchymess | Oct 4, 2012 at 6:51 pm |

    I’m in love!!!!!

  10. this could be marketable in the rest of the world with some repackaging.

  11. I WANT ONE

  12. I WANT ONE

  13. howiebledsoe | Oct 5, 2012 at 11:05 am |

    Look ma, no hands!

  14. Now if only it cooked.

  15. Now if only it cooked.

  16. where can I get one?

  17. where can I get one?

Comments are closed.