Chinese Hospitals Introduce Hands-Free Automatic Sperm Extractor

By on October 4, 2012 in News 42

Chinese hospitals are introducing a new machine to extract sperm from donors: The device has a massaging pipe at the front which apparently can be adjusted for speed, frequency and temperature, among other variables, and it can be adjusted to the height of the user. The machine also has a small screen at the top to play movies in order to help with the “extraction process.”

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  • Matt Staggs

    Looks like a handy invention.

  • Matt Staggs

    Looks like a handy invention.

    • Calypso_1

      Would have been far more cumly if they’d contracted with RealDoll.

      • MadHierophant

        …Cocks. 

        • Calypso_1

          …and Shoots?

          • Matt Staggs

            That’s a ballsy retort.

          • Calypso_1

            Well, I am always trying to score.

  • Baked Fishskin

    Similar to the machine in THX 1138

  • Baked Fishskin

    Similar to the machine in THX 1138

  • http://twitter.com/DeadLeaFMoth MonteBeckett

    WTH is wrong with this World?

    • Calypso_1

      If you had to choose between the existence of the police state or automatic sperm extractors what would it be?

    • Calypso_1

      If you had to choose between the existence of the police state or automatic sperm extractors what would it be?

      • http://www.ContraControl.com/ Zenc

        Luckily we don’t have to and we’ve got both.

        Wait…

        • Calypso_1

          What if crowd control was robotic ‘sperm extractors’? That would calm all that testosterone fueled rage.

          You will love the state. And now we have your DNA.

    • Matt Staggs

      Welcome to the Freak Show. 

      • Calypso_1

        I could make this much more high-brow and talk about dissipative thermodynamic systems and positive feedback loops. 

        • Matt Staggs

          I don’t feel like my job is done here until at least one story offends or annoys someone. If I’m making everyone happy then I’m not doing it right.

          • Calypso_1

            You love it when we slap around Wiltshire don’t you. 

            (Camron you knucklehead its a JOKE, cheers)

          • Calypso_1

            You love it when we slap around Wiltshire don’t you. 

            (Camron you knucklehead its a JOKE, cheers)

          • http://www.sacredgeometryinternational.com/ Camron Wiltshire

            Just slap Robohooker 999 around.  Get it out of your system ;)

          • Calypso_1

            I love you Camron.  You’re a funny guy.

          • Infvocuernos

            I have nothing but contempt and suspicion for those I agree with completely.  What I’m wondering is why does China need sperm donors?!?! 

          • Infvocuernos

            I have nothing but contempt and suspicion for those I agree with completely.  What I’m wondering is why does China need sperm donors?!?! 

  • http://www.ContraControl.com/ Zenc

    (I’m going to take the high road here and not make any jokes about Candy Stripers or male nurses.)

    So, this is like a Fleshlight with MRSA?

    • Calypso_1

      I may hold a DNP but I am a male nurse.   Sooo, I appreciate your restraint. 
      And it would more likely just have HPV & Chlamydia.  Everything else would be too easy to screen for.

      EDIT: That of course would make it like all other fleshlights in the world.

      • Liam_McGonagle

        A sensible, IQ-indexed alternative to the “1 Child” policy.  Any jerkbag dumb enough to stuff his junk into this gets a couple of thousand volts to kill off any swimmers.

      • Liam_McGonagle

        A sensible, IQ-indexed alternative to the “1 Child” policy.  Any jerkbag dumb enough to stuff his junk into this gets a couple of thousand volts to kill off any swimmers.

  • http://www.sacredgeometryinternational.com/ Camron Wiltshire

    The upgrade kit comes complete with, wigs, perfume and camouflage storage unit. 

    • Calypso_1

      Does it have one of those gamine femme fatale wigs?

      • http://www.sacredgeometryinternational.com/ Camron Wiltshire

         When Robohookers look like that the end is nigh.  The sheeple won’t care that they are slowly being phased out. 

        • Calypso_1

          Evolution is a bitch of a mistress.

        • Calypso_1

          Evolution is a bitch of a mistress.

  • DeepCough

    I was expecting this thing to come outta Japan first.

  • Sketchymess

    I’m in love!!!!!

  • alizardx

    this could be marketable in the rest of the world with some repackaging.

  • okOkay

    I WANT ONE

  • okOkay

    I WANT ONE

  • howiebledsoe

    Look ma, no hands!

  • Guest

    Now if only it cooked.

  • Guest

    Now if only it cooked.

  • nobody

    where can I get one?

  • nobody

    where can I get one?