Ukraine Trains Dolphins With Friggin’ Pistols on Their Heads

Picture: tolomea/Flickr (CC)

Another nightmarish future has opened up with this latest aquatic advancement…

Via Robert Beckhusen via WIRED’s Danger Room Blog:

Killer dolphins with knives and pistols attached to their heads. It might sound crazy, but that’s reportedly one element of the Ukrainian navy’s restarted marine mammal program.

The program reportedly includes training dolphins to search for mines and marking them with buoys. But Ukraine also plans to train the dolphins “to attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their heads,” according to RIA Novosti. A source inside the Ukrainian navy told the agency that the exercises, which are being conducted at the state oceanarium in Sevastopol, are “counter-combat swimmer tasks in order to defend ships in port and on raids.”

Now they’ll be trained to kill, allegedly. If so, it won’t necessarily be the first time. Russian commandos trained to fight dolphins in case the animals were ever used against them. The Soviet navy once deployed dolphins armed with hypodermic syringes loaded with carbon dioxide, according to one dolphin expert who advised the Sevastopol base on caring for the animals after the program first ended. Soviet dolphins were also purportedly trained to attach mines to ships, and were attached with parachutes before being thrown from helicopters.

Rumors about killer dolphins have also been directed at the U.S. Navy. One former Navy dolphin trainer said the Navy experimented with arming dolphins with syringes

[continues at Danger Room]

Breshvic

It was a typical day in junior physics class at Point Cordial High when things took a turn... to the atypical! Mild-mannered Breshvic's seething distaste of physics broke through its last tensile straw as the very fabric of spacetime holding him in place tore like the flimsy wet blouse of an amateur porn artist! Young Breshvic found himself disembodied, floating wildly in a place with no shape or form, but more directions than previously revealed to him, and not easily explained in this format! Had he gone to that ethereal void of wraiths and gods? Had he crossed over to the land of dead? HAD HE GONE UTTERLY MAD? Had he simply fallen asleep during another lecture? NO! It was in this astral plane between reality and dream, nexus of dimension, the OMNIVERSE, that he first learned to use his powers, clawing madly to survive against nightmarish demons and malevolent cosmic shadows!

17 Comments on "Ukraine Trains Dolphins With Friggin’ Pistols on Their Heads"

  1. Ukraine needs to get with the program. Dr. Evil has already thought of this and improved by using a LASER on the head of a shark…. pistol on a dolphin is such a downgrade….

  2. Ukraine needs to get with the program. Dr. Evil has already thought of this and improved by using a LASER on the head of a shark…. pistol on a dolphin is such a downgrade….

  3. Anyone familiar with Anti-Tank dogs would realize that there might be worse things to put on a dolphin than a knife or pistol.

    Not that it excuses dragging the poor things into our conflicts.

  4. Anyone familiar with Anti-Tank dogs would realize that there might be worse things to put on a dolphin than a knife or pistol.

    Not that it excuses dragging the poor things into our conflicts.

  5. I think dolphins are too smart to get tricked into this by humans,
    especially Ukrainians.

    Just because Americans can train pigs to use weapons
    doesn’t mean every animal can be trained to be as dumb as humans.

  6. I think dolphins are too smart to get tricked into this by humans,
    especially Ukrainians.

    Just because Americans can train pigs to use weapons
    doesn’t mean every animal can be trained to be as dumb as humans.

    • trollolol | Mar 14, 2013 at 3:54 am |

      I seem to remember a story about trained dolphins being eager to excercise attaching bombs to ships, but when the excercise became real they refused to deliver the payload.

      It’s not unlikely that dolphins are far more intelligent than we currently realize.

    • trollolol | Mar 14, 2013 at 3:54 am |

      I seem to remember a story about trained dolphins being eager to excercise attaching bombs to ships, but when the excercise became real they refused to deliver the payload.

      It’s not unlikely that dolphins are far more intelligent than we currently realize.

  7. I cant help but think of the fatal error in explosive strapped Soviet Anti-Tank Dogs being trained on Soviet Tanks. They detonated themselves upon many more Soviet Tiger Tanks than Nazi Panzer Tanks which were the intended targets because they acquired their targets by smell.

  8. I cant help but think of the fatal error in explosive strapped Soviet Anti-Tank Dogs being trained on Soviet Tanks. They detonated themselves upon many more Soviet Tiger Tanks than Nazi Panzer Tanks which were the intended targets because they acquired their targets by smell.

    • Monkey See Monkey Do | Oct 16, 2012 at 7:21 am |

      I love the irony. That’s some sweet retribution. Reminds me of those ancient war-elephant frenzies that would trample and destroy their own side.

    • Monkey See Monkey Do | Oct 16, 2012 at 7:21 am |

      I love the irony. That’s some sweet retribution. Reminds me of those ancient war-elephant frenzies that would trample and destroy their own side.

  9. Simiantongue | Oct 16, 2012 at 6:12 am |

    Dolphins = Feel good news story.
    Dolphins that are trained = human interest news story.
    Dolphins that are trained  in the use of weapons = Disinformation news story.
     

  10. Simiantongue | Oct 16, 2012 at 6:12 am |

    Dolphins = Feel good news story.
    Dolphins that are trained = human interest news story.
    Dolphins that are trained  in the use of weapons = Disinformation news story.
     

  11. Littlemisteramerica | Oct 16, 2012 at 7:52 am |

    Dolphins with parachutes? That must be what hit the Pentagon on 9/11.

  12. Littlemisteramerica | Oct 16, 2012 at 7:52 am |

    Dolphins with parachutes? That must be what hit the Pentagon on 9/11.

Comments are closed.