Ukraine Trains Dolphins With Friggin’ Pistols on Their Heads

Picture: tolomea/Flickr (CC)

Another nightmarish future has opened up with this latest aquatic advancement…

Via Robert Beckhusen via WIRED’s Danger Room Blog:

Killer dolphins with knives and pistols attached to their heads. It might sound crazy, but that’s reportedly one element of the Ukrainian navy’s restarted marine mammal program.

The program reportedly includes training dolphins to search for mines and marking them with buoys. But Ukraine also plans to train the dolphins “to attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their heads,” according to RIA Novosti. A source inside the Ukrainian navy told the agency that the exercises, which are being conducted at the state oceanarium in Sevastopol, are “counter-combat swimmer tasks in order to defend ships in port and on raids.”

Now they’ll be trained to kill, allegedly. If so, it won’t necessarily be the first time. Russian commandos trained to fight dolphins in case the animals were ever used against them. The Soviet navy once deployed dolphins armed with hypodermic syringes loaded with carbon dioxide, according to one dolphin expert who advised the Sevastopol base on caring for the animals after the program first ended. Soviet dolphins were also purportedly trained to attach mines to ships, and were attached with parachutes before being thrown from helicopters.

Rumors about killer dolphins have also been directed at the U.S. Navy. One former Navy dolphin trainer said the Navy experimented with arming dolphins with syringes

[continues at Danger Room]

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  • Golchab

    Ukraine needs to get with the program. Dr. Evil has already thought of this and improved by using a LASER on the head of a shark…. pistol on a dolphin is such a downgrade….

  • Golchab

    Ukraine needs to get with the program. Dr. Evil has already thought of this and improved by using a LASER on the head of a shark…. pistol on a dolphin is such a downgrade….

  • http://www.ContraControl.com/ Zenc

    Anyone familiar with Anti-Tank dogs would realize that there might be worse things to put on a dolphin than a knife or pistol.

    Not that it excuses dragging the poor things into our conflicts.

  • http://www.ContraControl.com/ Zenc

    Anyone familiar with Anti-Tank dogs would realize that there might be worse things to put on a dolphin than a knife or pistol.

    Not that it excuses dragging the poor things into our conflicts.

    • http://twitter.com/jasonpaulhayes jasonpaulhayes

      Haha, I just commented on the same thing … Classic !

  • http://buzzcoastin.posterous.com BuzzCoastin

    I think dolphins are too smart to get tricked into this by humans,
    especially Ukrainians.

    Just because Americans can train pigs to use weapons
    doesn’t mean every animal can be trained to be as dumb as humans.

  • http://buzzcoastin.posterous.com BuzzCoastin

    I think dolphins are too smart to get tricked into this by humans,
    especially Ukrainians.

    Just because Americans can train pigs to use weapons
    doesn’t mean every animal can be trained to be as dumb as humans.

    • trollolol

      I seem to remember a story about trained dolphins being eager to excercise attaching bombs to ships, but when the excercise became real they refused to deliver the payload.

      It’s not unlikely that dolphins are far more intelligent than we currently realize.

    • trollolol

      I seem to remember a story about trained dolphins being eager to excercise attaching bombs to ships, but when the excercise became real they refused to deliver the payload.

      It’s not unlikely that dolphins are far more intelligent than we currently realize.

  • http://twitter.com/jasonpaulhayes jasonpaulhayes

    I cant help but think of the fatal error in explosive strapped Soviet Anti-Tank Dogs being trained on Soviet Tanks. They detonated themselves upon many more Soviet Tiger Tanks than Nazi Panzer Tanks which were the intended targets because they acquired their targets by smell.

  • http://twitter.com/jasonpaulhayes jasonpaulhayes

    I cant help but think of the fatal error in explosive strapped Soviet Anti-Tank Dogs being trained on Soviet Tanks. They detonated themselves upon many more Soviet Tiger Tanks than Nazi Panzer Tanks which were the intended targets because they acquired their targets by smell.

    • Monkey See Monkey Do

      I love the irony. That’s some sweet retribution. Reminds me of those ancient war-elephant frenzies that would trample and destroy their own side.

    • Monkey See Monkey Do

      I love the irony. That’s some sweet retribution. Reminds me of those ancient war-elephant frenzies that would trample and destroy their own side.

  • Simiantongue

    Dolphins = Feel good news story.
    Dolphins that are trained = human interest news story.
    Dolphins that are trained  in the use of weapons = Disinformation news story.
     

  • Simiantongue

    Dolphins = Feel good news story.
    Dolphins that are trained = human interest news story.
    Dolphins that are trained  in the use of weapons = Disinformation news story.
     

  • Littlemisteramerica

    Dolphins with parachutes? That must be what hit the Pentagon on 9/11.

  • Littlemisteramerica

    Dolphins with parachutes? That must be what hit the Pentagon on 9/11.

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