Five Crazy Candidates To Consider For U.S. President

Fed up with the two-party system? Via Cracked, five potential presidents who promise to shake up business as usual. Included is sword-welding Prohibition Party candidate Lowell Jackson “Jack” Fellure of Hurricane, West Virginia:

Jack’s been running for president since 1988. Ever the optimist, he knows that one day America will be ready for his sword-wielding, 17th-century-Bible-based form of governance.

Turn-Ons: Capital punishment, King James Bible.

Turn-Offs: “The Liquor Industry,” homos, lollygagging prisoners, people who dare mess with the King James Bible.

Why You Should Consider Jack: “My Presidential Campaign Platform is the Authorized 1611 King James Bible. God Almighty wrote that Book as the supreme constitution and absolute authority in the affairs of all men for all time and eternity. Quality leather bound copies of this Bible have been sent to the Presidential Office, the Supreme Court, the Senate, the House of Representatives, the National Republican Party, the National Democratic Party, and the Federal Election Commission.”


7 Comments on "Five Crazy Candidates To Consider For U.S. President"

  1. Funny.

    • Matt Staggs | Nov 6, 2012 at 7:26 pm |

      I’m voting for the swordsman. HIGHLANDER FOR PRESIDENT

      • Rickenbacker4001 | Nov 7, 2012 at 1:16 pm |

        There can be only one. (Please use the Queen song, having Freddy Mercury belting out in the fair tent would be so meta…)

  2. BuzzCoastin | Nov 6, 2012 at 7:54 pm |

    I’m not voting for some crazy-ass marginal candiate
    I’m voting for an elite puppet who can really change things, I hope… less.
    Joe Sixpack

  3. He’s got my vote..


  4. Anarchy Pony | Nov 7, 2012 at 11:50 am |

    But where’s zombie Lincoln?

  5. zombieslapper | Nov 7, 2012 at 2:27 pm |

    It’s hard to look like a pussy when you’re wielding a sword but this guy totally made it happen.

Comments are closed.