Shape Shifting Lizard Skin Cream (With Vitamin E)

Via Boing Boing, the ideal David Icke-approved holiday gift for the important people in your life is up for sale on Etsy:

Shapeshifting from lizard to human form is great for controlling Earth so you can mine gold to save your dying homeworld, but it’s not so great for your skin.

When you’re juggling appointments and global depopulation deadlines, you don’t have time for an exhaustive skincare regime, especially after you’ve been up all night sodomising infants on a blood-soaked altar.

That’s why there’s new Hypoallergenic Shapeshifting Lizard Skin Cream. Never again spend hours removing crusty nodules from your armoured eyelids or sandblasting your segmented underbelly. Instead, spend your life-cycle on the things that really matter to you: eating babies, manipulating financial markets and basking on rocks in the warm glow of Earth’s home star.

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  • Ted Heistman

    Ahh this line is golden: “eating babies, manipulating financial markets and basking on rocks in the warm glow of Earth’s home star.”
    I love the look on the lizards face too.

  • alizardx

    that reminds me, need to update my Amazon wish list.

  • BrianApocalypse

    MMM! I’m going to buy a crate of this, cover my entire body in it and run screaming obscenities against the human race into the next Bohemian Grove meeting!

    • Matt Staggs

      Huh? I thought that was par for the course at that shindig.

      • BrianApocalypse

        I’m hoping to expose them by triggering their shapeshifting.

        • Calypso_1

          Make sure you are carrying a squalling infant covered in bacon grease.

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