Sex and Snuff: What Dying Twice Taught Me About Eroticized Death

Picture: BDSM02

Olivia Davis writes at the Good Men Project:

[Good Men Project] Editor’s note: This is a hard article to read. It’s long and explicit and deals very frankly with the filming of one of the most extreme and disturbing forms of pornography that exists, the faux-snuff films in which a model pretends to be killed. It will be upsetting, triggering, frightening for many readers, and we have been debating for some time whether to run it. We have chosen to run it for one very important reason: because it is from the model’s perspective. The “victim” in the porn movie is telling her side, describing her own experience, her own motivations and memories. The overwhelming majority of discussion of pornography, especially such esoteric and specialized pornography, is from an outside perspective. We at the Good Men Project believe in providing a platform for perspectives that might not otherwise be heard, and we believe that Ms. Davis’s experience, and her thoughts about it, provide a valuable perspective on extreme pornography that is needed if we are to have any serious discussion on the matter. Once again, many people will find the following article upsetting or triggering, and readers should exercise discretion.

Death is big. Death is scary. Death is important. Death is inescapable. It’s the end.

As such, we talk a lot about death. We philosophize about it, write about it, obsess over its prevention. As such, death is the subject of a lot of art, and plays an important role in a lot of media that is, uh, maybe not so much art. Our media mulls it over, sometimes exploiting its horror and extremity, sometimes infusing it with peace and beauty. And sometimes, we make death sexy. We make corpses into glamorous, morbid objects that we show off.

I, myself, have been dead twice, and once it was beautiful.

The first time, a photographer and friend covered me in baby oil so my unmarked skin shone and glowed. She had me lie on a moldering shipping palette and sprinkled me with water so it beaded and pooled on my skin. She tossed a clear, plastic shower curtain over my legs and took photos as I lay in silent repose. Still life with tits.

The second time was on the set of a porn shoot. We’d been shooting the film in chronological order, parts one, two, and three, had been standard porn torture: a lot of hitting and a lot of clamps. And then he put a plastic bag on my head, telling me to struggle a lot at first, but to slowly fight less. Then, I’d die. He’d edit the scene together later. He’d make it look like he’d killed me.

This is how it happened:

I’ve been an amateur fetish model for more than a year now. Despite my Model Mayhem profile, despite the fact that my face will be in a gallery space in April, modeling had netted me exactly one hundred dollars. So, when a porn producer sent me a message offering to shoot with me, I was surprised and pleased. I knew that there was plenty of BDSM and fetish porn work to be done in my city, but hadn’t yet had an opportunity to try my hand at that game.

I found his work unpleasant, but in a rather pedestrian kind of way. The aesthetic was very set in somebody’s unfinished basement, with practical ropework and nobody having a good time. It intimidated me. I like to think I play fairly hard in my private life, but that’s with my partner who I love and trust implicitly. It’s not for a camera and it’s all stuff I’m happy to do. I wasn’t sure that I was tough enough for his brand of kink, which included some stuff I hadn’t done, but I knew there was only one way to find out.

Read more here.

6 Comments on "Sex and Snuff: What Dying Twice Taught Me About Eroticized Death"

  1. InfvoCuernos | Dec 19, 2012 at 10:07 pm |

    Ok, so I’ve seen about a billion movies in which people have to act like they are dying, and about only a million in which people are screwing, but apparently when you put this peanut butter with that chocolate, then its wrong? The actress/writer states that she knew in advance that the producer wasn’t going to release the movie for general viewing, but that it was a special request, so its not like its getting into the hands of children who might be damaged for life. What’s the problem? I think that after the check is in hand, its always harder for the “actresses” to face the fact of what they did willingly for money-even when there was no “boy/girl” penetration going on. He showed her his previous work and despite her trying to give the impression that “Mr. Hardmeat” was intentionally deceiving her in the beginning, it sounds like she knew exactly what she was getting into. At least now she has a better idea of what her limits are. The really disturbing part of this is that she only made 400 bucks for it. I had no idea porn actresses made so little.

    • kowalityjesus | Dec 19, 2012 at 10:53 pm |

      This was a relatively clement introduction into the apparently-expansive world of dark porn. This is a prime example of why imo living a humble yet honest and dignified life is totally underrated. Doing this kind of thing for money is exactly what I would NOT like to recount on my deathbed. For the temptation is tremendous and the power within reach to do great evil.

      I think it is wrong, sir, to judge this young lady in such a manner as to call her whiny or hypocritical. The story is a recounting, not a rationalization. The fact is that she felt violated by the role she played, and imo is probably unconsciously unhappy with the mark it has made on her soul. Also I believe it says she made 2400 not 400.

      • InfvoCuernos | Dec 20, 2012 at 12:21 am |

        ” Brick Hardmeat pays between $2-400 for non-boy/girl BDSM.”
        Read more at As to your point, you may well be correct about her feelings and her soul.

        • kowalityjesus | Dec 20, 2012 at 12:25 am |

          *ugh* that makes me feel less sorry for her that she knew it was only about a weeks wages at any dingy restaurant. schlecht.

      • Olivia Davis | Dec 21, 2012 at 4:01 am |

        Thanks for looking kindly on me. You’re right, it’s meant as a recounting and a reflection.

        I’m definitely unhappy having participated in something as nasty as fake-snuff, but I don’t think porn, or acting in it, is inherently a bad thing. And, like I say in the article, BDSM is a big part of my personal life, so I certainly don’t find those aspects morally objectionable. It’s really only the eroticized death thing!

        Otherwise, it was a pretty novel, pretty interesting experience that taught me quite a few things. It didn’t harm me, and I don’t think my soul is any worse for it. Maybe someday I’ll tell my grandkids about it.

        Also, yeah. I was paid $400 for the gig. If I could get a job at a dingy restaurant, maybe I wouldn’t have done it, but it’s tough out there for a recent college grad! Beauty jobs are fairly easy to get for a person like me, and they do pay the rent.

    • Olivia Davis | Dec 21, 2012 at 4:00 am |

      Hi! I’m Olivia.

      Some clarifications:

      The videos Mr. Hardmeat was showing me were custom-made for specific people. That’s how he makes a lot of his money. But mine was for his clips4sale store. If a child makes it onto that site, they have more to worry about than my little video, but anyone can download it.

      I’m 100% comfortable with everything I did—except the dying part. That still bothers me. I definitely didn’t know what I was getting into, as far as that part was concerned. Maybe I should have had an inkling given the content of his other work, but it took me by surprise.
      I wouldn’t say he tricked me, though! He just didn’t tell me what we were going to do in that scene—or any of the other scenes. I don’t think that’s the best way of going about things, but Hardmeat’s no villain.

      Mr. Hardmeat is a small, local producer working in a niche market, and I was a newbie. I imagine that other folks in porn make more money than I did. Over at [redacted by ed], for example, they pay their models quite nicely. =)

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