Bigfoot DNA Hunters Push For Yeti Rights

Via Discovery News, a social movement is born:

A team of researchers led by Melba Ketchum, a Texas veterinarian, claims to have not only conclusively proven the existence of Bigfoot through genetic testing, but also that the mysterious monster is a half-human hybrid, the result of mating with modern human females about 15,000 years ago.

Ketchum sees her research as an important first step in obtaining legal status for Bigfoot, which she believes are an undiscovered Native American population. Ketchum issued a statement demanding that the “Government at all levels must recognize them as an indigenous people and immediately protect their human and Constitutional rights against those who would see in their physical and cultural differences a ‘license’ to hunt, trap, or kill them.”

Ketchum believes that “The Sasquatch people are more like us than they are different. The Sasquatch people have their own language, traditions, and rituals.”

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  • Ittabena

    Nice. My roommate used to work for the Forest Service here in WA. They exist. The other Native Americans in the area agree as well.

    I also saw at work yesterday that we now have “Squatch Jerky” for sale. Really bad idea for a name. Sounds pretty unappetizing to me.

    • http://twitter.com/TedHeistman Ted Heistman

      So your room mate visited them and hung out and ate berries and salmon sushi?

      • Ittabena

        Alright, I’ll give you the full story. Was rushed yesterday. My roommate – we’ll call him Steve since that is not his name – had a summer job with the Forest Service one year. This was when they were just starting to build the Snoqualmie Ridge area adjacent to the much older Snoqualmie WA.

        One day – a day off – he was walking through the woods near his house. Grandma was a Superior Court Justice here in WA. and had purchased one of the first homes built on the Ridge for her divorced daughter.

        As he was walking he saw a dark shape in the bushes about fifteen feet ahead of him. He came to a stop and the shape in the bushes responded by standing up, it was much taller than he was and even taller than Steve’s father who is almost seven feet tall. Steve froze for a minute and then turned and walked towards his house as fast as he could without appearing panicked. The creature followed him home though it kept it’s distance from him.

        The next day, when he returned to work he talked to one of the Forest Service rangers who responded that “Yeah, they exist, We just don’t talk about them.”

        Of course this is an anecdotal story – no evidence – but my roommate does not lie. And it is obvious from his continued interest in the subject that he would have to be lying to himself as well as everyone else.

        You don’t have to believe him, but knowing him, I do.

        • http://twitter.com/TedHeistman Ted Heistman

          I have had similar conversations with people. I think they are superior to humans in certain ways. So that explains how they can be so elusive.

    • Bobcat

      Did your roommate used to burn a lot when he was telling you this?

  • http://hormeticminds.blogspot.com/ Chaorder Gradient

    Is Melba Ketchum the daughter of Ash Kedchum?

    Did she document this too?

    http://s719.beta.photobucket.com/user/ieatrainbows4breakfast/media/Pikachu.jpg.html?fromLegacy=true

  • http://twitter.com/TedHeistman Ted Heistman

    I think Yeti’s should have rights. Once they do, I want to become a Yeti.

    • Despicable Yeti

      It’s not easy bro, you can’t like just adopt our ways and culture and expect paychecks. You gotta get down with some lovin’, son.

      • http://twitter.com/TedHeistman Ted Heistman

        are female Yetis as hot as R. Crumb depicted them or do they all look like Patty?

  • http://www.facebook.com/andy.dilks.1 Andy Dilks

    I think the “we haven’t seen them so it must be bullshit” argujment is fundamentally flawed – how much forest is hardly ever explored by man, let alone fully surveyed? If they didn’t want to be found I’m sure there’s plenty of places for them to live discreetly away from prying human eyes.

    This is an entertaining discussion: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp-YOxSe6Rc

    • Bobcat

      So your argument for their possible existence is that we haven’t seen them and it’s a big country? What about pixies? I haven’t seen anything, and it’s a big garden.

      • Ittabena

        If we were in a nightclub this would be a wonderful straight line, but the punch line would be inappropriate here. But, thanks for the setup anyway, at least I got to laugh.

    • “Big” Richard Johnson

      My argument is I haven’t seen any yetis, but I’d like to believe.

    • Ittabena

      Good points. In fact the very reason I moved to WA is because there were parts of the forest that were very remote and very hard to get to.

      I remember a news story about a hermit that lived in the NW mountain region for fifteen years before he was discovered. And if a human can do that with a cabin and fires for warmth and cooking every night…

      One of the things that always gets brought up is that no bones are ever found. Though I cannot speak about the rest of the country, the area here in the Pacific Northwest rain forest is one of highly acidic soil conditions which work against any natural preservation of bones or the forming of fossils.

      As I said below, the Native Americans of the region have no doubt that they exist, none whatsoever. And they will tell you so if asked.

  • http://www.facebook.com/dan.paralanguage Dan Paralanguage

    being declared an indigenous american never works out for anybody.

  • Despicable Yeti

    Finally! My people will have rights ‘n stuff! Cake for everyone!

  • WTFMFWOMG