The First Jesuit Pope: Criminal? Bringer of End Times?

You just knew that the first Jesuit to become pope had to have some juicy scandals somewhere in his past. To start with, Salem-News.com reports:

Former Cardinal and Pope-elect “Francis I”, Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is accused of helping kidnap opponents of Argentina’s military junta during the 1970’s “Dirty War”, and of baby trafficking, by lawyers and members of the Plaza de Mayo human rights group. (Los Angeles Times, April 17, 2005, “Argentine Cardinal Named in Kidnapping Lawsuit.”

Then there are the “Black Pope” end times theories, rounded up by IBTimes.com:

The 2013 papal conclave may have escaped the precise election of a black-skinned pope, but conspiracy theorists among netizens remain adamant the selection of Pope Francis has indeed heralded the end of days for the people on planet Earth.

…The former Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio is the leader of the Jesuits, who traditionally wear black cassocks. When he got elected to become spiritual leader of the Catholic church, he became the first Jesuit Pope.

“Therefore, the head of the Catholic church Pope Francis, who is now ‘Peter,’ is also the head of the Jesuit Order,” the member said.

Simply put, Pope Francis is, at least according to conspiracy theorists at that forum, the black pope…

Trying to head off the conspiracy theories before they take root, U.S.Catholic does its best to debunk them:

Thanks to over four centuries the Jesuits’ global presence, the order has been the subject of speculative adventure stories which all have the same underlying theme: the prime directive of the Society of Jesus is to preserve the power, wealth, and prestige of the Society of Jesus. Some of the greatest hits include:

They are headed by the Black Pope, who influences and controls the real pope.
The Jesuits are headed by a general. On formal occasions he wears a black cassock similar to the pope’s white cassock. The rest of the time, he usually wears a clerical collared shirt and slacks. Like just about every other priest you know.

The Jesuits are all secretly Jews.
This nugget of anti-Semitism stems from the fact that several of the first members of the Society of Jesus in Spain descended from Jewish families forced to convert to Catholicism during the reign of Ferdinand and Isabella. But the modern Jesuits? Definitely not Jewish…

There’s lot more out there … the Jesuits are often described as “God’s Marines,” regarded as the Catholic Church’s enforcers. They are the Machiavellian masters, so this pope’s regime is bound to be full of intrigue. Enjoy the show!

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  • emperorreagan

    Of course he’s a criminal, why would they want to buck tradition?

  • alizardx

    It would be unseemly to spread unfounded accusations and rumors about such an undoubtedly holy man.

    Who’s got some not mentioned here?

    • VaudeVillain

      I hear that he might have raped and murdered a girl in 1990.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Has anyone seen him and Glen Beck in the same place?

        • Calypso_1

          …and you together are that temple. All believers are baptized in the same body. Their hearts sealed, sanctified & circumcised together.

        • Calypso_1

          …and you together are that temple. All believers are baptized in the same body. Their hearts sealed, sanctified & circumcised together.

    • emperorreagan

      I heard he’s planning to replace alter boys with sheep and make sheep rape a sacrament.

      • Calypso_1

        So goat love will still strictly be the domain of the devil?

      • Calypso_1

        So goat love will still strictly be the domain of the devil?

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=742104313 Adam Goodwin

          That nice little conversation piece would look great on my coffee table.

          • Calypso_1

            it is a tawdry classic from Pompeii – available in cast resin, bronze & plaster.

        • emperorreagan

          Yeah, there’s that whole goats on the left and sheep on the right thing. The devil has got dibs.

    • echar

      He will not bleed If pricked with one of these.

      • Calypso_1

        nor shall he experience pneumothorax (dependent upon as of yet unknown chirality of resection) pbuh.

      • Calypso_1

        nor shall he experience pneumothorax (dependent upon as of yet unknown chirality of resection) pbuh.

        • echar

          He can hebetate the powers of generation.

          • Calypso_1

            very nice, i had to look that one up.

          • echar

            thank you, yours is more obscure. The pbuh makes me wonder if what you said is from the Koran. I got the gist though.

          • echar

            thank you, yours is more obscure. The pbuh makes me wonder if what you said is from the Koran. I got the gist though.

          • Calypso_1

            : ) no I like the pbuh thrown in at opportune moments.

            Mine was medical.

          • echar

            I got the medical part. pbuh is a nice touch.

  • rak

    Before you say anything, I would recommend you to read this post about “new” Pope
    http://www.whoneedslight.org/index.html?entry=part-129-psychedelic-fizz-the

    • NotAThorn

      Thanks for keeping the hilarious spiritual disinfo going! It’s great for a chuckle, I’m sure you are all laughing especially hard at all the suckers who buy your bullshit.

      • http://twitter.com/TedHeistman Ted Heistman

        You don’t think God really pinched her toe?

  • Tchoutoye

    Meet the new boss.
    Same as the old boss.

    • Isaac Taylor

      More like meet the new pope….same as the old pope.

  • Kommie

    pope pederast XVIII

  • echar

    Holy shit, he wears a black cassock.

  • echar

    Holy shit, he wears a black cassock.

  • BuzzCoastin

    Just imagine, he’s the pick of the liter.

    But the collective skeletons in the closets of the College of Cardinals
    pales in comparison to the skeletons in the closets of the Homeland Feral Grubberment

  • howiebledsoe

    Man, If you want to look for end times, just look out the damned window. I don’t need crackpot theories to tell me that we are looking into the abyss. One need go no further than your favorite news site to see that we are in danger of extermination. Be it polluted air and water, toxic food, global warming, over population, dying oceans, dying bees, fracking, ect. The “Black Pope” is just window dressing.

  • howiebledsoe

    Man, If you want to look for end times, just look out the damned window. I don’t need crackpot theories to tell me that we are looking into the abyss. One need go no further than your favorite news site to see that we are in danger of extermination. Be it polluted air and water, toxic food, global warming, over population, dying oceans, dying bees, fracking, ect. The “Black Pope” is just window dressing.

  • Sir Legendhead
  • lazy_friend

    63 dollars is a really obscure amount. Is that before or after taxes? What kind of laptop was she sporting? What is the exact amount of hours? Because in the grand scheme of things and the seemingly infinite progress of time, a few hour could be a few years. Lastly, is your friend blond by any chance? I have a thing for blonds with disposable income and lots of free time.

  • http://skadhitheravernerblog.wordpress.com/ Skadhi_the_Raverner

    The church is left of centre on just about absolutely everything except those things that are relative trivia until globalists start sowing division among a countries chattering classes, like homosexuality and abortion (ie. the pet issues of first world liberals).

    That leftist ‘humanists’ should spend so much time on such issues and ignore the overall trend within the Church to shift left, is very telling as to their true agenda.

    • alizardx

      Protecting pedophiles and helping right-wing governments disappear people is not part of any secular humanist agenda I ever heard of.

      Your church has a track record. Care to defend it?

    • alizardx

      Protecting pedophiles and helping right-wing governments disappear people is not part of any secular humanist agenda I ever heard of.

      Your church has a track record. Care to defend it?

      • http://skadhitheravernerblog.wordpress.com/ Skadhi_the_Raverner

        Its not my church because I’m an atheist, I’m objecting to manufactured criticisms of the Catholic church that have no connection to reality.

        And most of those ‘paedophiles’ in the clergy were older guys fucking teenage men, sure covering up faggotry is Catholic hypocrisy to save face but these people are not child molesters. Which ‘right wing’ government did they help people to disappear from? If you’re referring to the current Pope he’s way to the left of Obama by any traditional measure of socialism before liberals subverted it for ‘first world issues’.

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