The title to this piece is something that randomly popped into my head when I was Occult ganj-i-tating a few months back. I wrote it down on my Facebook page (friend me for strangeness) and ultimately just dismissed it as a funny song title idea until the next few weeks found me catching up on Mad Men. Of course! With weed laws loosening and legal weed a reality in my home state of Washington, we’re going to need some slick marketing copy to make this stuff the center of our economy (as it rightfully should be), and who better to do that than a chronically stoned super freak like me? “You’re Not a Monkey When You’re Stoned.” What a great tag line (pot marketing people, call me), but Christ, you really don’t need a hypnotic tag line to sell this stuff. As I’ve found out first hand as a small time dealer, shit basically sells itself.
Here’s why. Life is bullshit, pot can help! Man, that’s another great one. Someone should really hire my ass here because I could just keep going with these. But seriously, chances are, if you’re not among the supremely wealthy minority of privileged fucks running things, you probably have to work a day job that makes you want to blow your brains out a lot of the time. See, life is bullshit. I have no idea what the architects of this reality were thinking with all that, but the good news is that pot can take you far far away from everything, really fucking quick. It’s the same reason I’d never bet against alcohol sales. Our entire wage slave society might as well be a means to ratchet up the demand for the drug markets, and sure, you could always just keep running with alcohol, but let’s just explore some of the more exotic benefits increasingly socially acceptable weed can offer your boring life.
Weed is a Sex Intensifier
This is the big one that’s never seemed to make it into the mainstream dialogue on the topic. I’ve never seen a cover of Cosmo that says, “Amazing sex tips that’ll drive your man wild. Roll him a blunt and then fuck him.” The reason is obvious. Our current religions all basically preach a rigid path of concise sexual morality as a means of ascension to the higher realms. Occultists like Austin Osman Spare were trying to tell us the exact opposite. Because of the difficulty involved with getting research on weed done for the last say 40 years, you don’t often see people openly saying things like, “pot’ll make your orgasms better, grandson” on television but that’s what it fucking does. In one 1968 study 73 percent of pot smokers rated its ability to improve sexual enjoyment as the primary reason they smoked it (I got that stat from the Robert Anton Wilson book Cosmic Trigger II, just for the record). Every time I see someone getting high in the movies or on TV, they’re instantly running for the snacks. Well, that’s a safer stereotype, but not nearly as, you know, sexy.
We’re trying to market this stuff right? How about this testimonial. Having an orgasm while I’m high is roughly a hundred times more intense than when I’m sober or drunk. I actually sort of black out for a bit and find myself briefly lost in a colorful dissociative bliss. I’m not just saying that to sell bags, it’s entirely true. It is for most pot enthusiasts I’ve known throughout the years. God, think about how much fucking cash Viagra rakes in and how much money porn makes. If you can get these studies done and fast, the demand for pot’s going to sky rocket. I can’t wait to see these ads because they’re going to rule.
Now, there’s also a danger in this. Being a guy, you’re already pumped up with constant testosterone surges which make you unreasonably sex obsessed at times, and smoking pot just kind of fuels that obsession. Now this can be an issue when…err…you got me. We live in a culture where half our tax dollars are going to the war machine and most people seem entirely comfortable eating and drinking themselves into oblivion. Maybe being a bit more sex obsessed isn’t such a bad thing. Another way of putting that would be, You’re Not a Monkey When You’re Stoned!
Weed is A Powerful Meditational Aid
This is roughly never talked about in any mainstream conversation about the drug, but it’s absolutely amazing. I don’t know what to tell you here, but when I smoke pot and meditate, rapidly mutating images from dimensions hitherto unknown bombard themselves at my spirit’s core quicker than I can ever comprehend. I hear cosmic feedback vibrations from well past eternity reverberating from Jupiter’s moons. Sometimes I slip into these little hypnagogic dreams that are so detailed and real they call our very notion of time into question (friend me, I write about this stuff on Facebook).
Set and setting are the most powerful factors involved with the psychedelic experience, which is part of the reason I write what I do. As much as pot has wormed its way into popular music, comedy, and cinema, when it’s talked about in a spiritualist context, it’s always vague and non-specific. Like, let’s pretend that girl who creates that mind-blowing art you love isn’t high all the time. We typically just gloss right over the fact that all children’s cartoons have been made by druggies for the last 50 years. Now that the times are changing, let’s try a more direct approach. Meditating while you’re high is beyond awesome. I can’t guarantee everyone’s going to have results as intense as mine, but it’s worth a shot. With all the money people make fleecing hollow rich people in pursuit of strange new age guru escapism and poor suckers throwing their last cents on the collection plate, why can’t we throw some weed dollars to the tally?
As a matter of fact, for everyone currently considering taking a mushroom trip or going down to the Amazon to space out on Ayahuasca, I’d recommend smoking some pot, lying still, and letting your mind float upstream for a while. If you can’t handle that, you have no business jumping any further down the rabbit hole and you honestly might want to look into therapy.
Pot Based Sex Magick is a Longstanding Occult Tradition
So, you combine the last two concepts and you’re getting at the basic low magick essence of what people like Robert Anton Wilson and Crowley were playing with. Can your stoned sex energies help you contact extra-dimensional forms of intelligence and enhance your psychic abilities? In my experience, yes. You start embracing this state and adding some inner intent focusing exercises (I’ve been told this is the most important part) to the routine and suddenly you start feeling like you’re “talking to gods”. In my case they installed a bunch of updates in my brain for about six months to create a sort of translational software mind link. That’s right, it’s not for the faint of heart, but witchcraft is slowly being legalized here and will soon be the most potent form of protest amongst the new psychick youth rebellion. Riiiiight. Come to Seattle, take your legal Occult vacation. I can see the billboards now.
Pot Can Help You Lose Weight
Despite the insanely over perpetuated stereo-type of marijuana causing unquenchable munchies, there’s actually been some research recently suggesting that pot smokers are on average thinner than their non-toking compatriots. Although a lot of people were surprised by these results, I’d suspected it for years. The number one high we push down the throats of the masses of America is crappy food. Then there’s booze. Both of these things make you fat. I have both of these things pushed at me…at work, and I barely ever say no. Pot’s another high. When you’ve got that, you tend to actually lose a bit of interest in the other two. Most of the time.
You know what else is weird, I actually like working out when I’m high. I have no idea why this is, but I know I’m not the only one. I throw on a stupid TV show, do some cardio and then listen to metal as I’m hitting the weights. Weed gets me so wrapped up in the music and TV that the repetitive exercise feels less tedious. Watching sports is the best because I can shut off the sound and rock. Then again, I’m just one of those weirdos that truly enjoys working out in the first place so there’s that.
But I also used it to drop some significant lbs. years back. I’d been, you guessed it, drinking too much shitty beer and eating too much shitty food when I was broke during my last year in college, and because of that I’d put on like twenty pounds. I lost it insanely fast with the help of the magic herb. I was eating less, so that’d make me hungry. When I got hungry, I’d get high to help me forget that I was hungry. That simple. Worked amazingly well and I’ve been fortunate enough to not feel these drastic matters necessary since. Oh, but if you get more sex obsessed as pot’s prone to make you, you might start becoming more obsessed with your appearance because you want to get laid. Remember Kevin Spacey in American Beauty? Maybe this is part of the answer to the health care crisis. How much money do weird diet fads make? They don’t work half the time and I bet weed would some of the time. We need studies, god people, get on it.
Pot is a Great Hang Over Cure
Again, for some reason alcohol companies have been one of the biggest contributors to the prohibition of marijuana since forever. What the fuck is that? Is it competition? Well, kind of, in some cases, but why aren’t you suits just playing the game? Most pot heads I know also drink like champions, in fact, I’m not sure how you could otherwise. How much money do vitamin water and energy drinks make? God, pot is way better than that after a long night out, although both of those things are great in their own right. Budweiser could have easily been trying to sell us our drunken Friday nights and stony Saturday mornings simultaneously. What a bunch of dicks. Lazy business men really. Speaking of lazy business men, why the hell aren’t video game honchos spending all of their money on pot legalization efforts? What the hell is wrong with everything in this world?
One of the things I’ve found hilarious about posting at Disinfo is that some of the more negative comments I’ve gotten have been about my pot smoking and pointing out the potential problems associated with such. Okay, got it. The shit’s gonna have to have warning labels as well, so we need to work on that angle in advance before the lawsuits hit. And we’ve got to be honest about what the problems are.
Pot can make you really lazy. No, it’s entirely true. Moreover, the combination of pot and video games and or pot and pornography can make you really lazy. Let’s just get our facts straight. I would not recommend heavy pot use to people who are incredibly laid back and play too many video games already. I’ve certainly known some super type B people who seem to never get much done other than downing bowls and upping levels virtually. On the other hand, I can also say that the drunks I’ve known have been mostly lazier than the pot heads. People don’t get much done when they’re hung over, you know what I mean? I know I don’t.
When I was in my early 20’s I probably lost a lot of unnecessary time drifting through etheric artful layers of THC ecstasy. You can really get lost in there. Oh, and pot’s incredibly addictive too. We should probably be honest about that. Not physically like cigarettes or booze, but mentally? Hells to the yes. It’s why I’m seeing such dollar signs here. I got hooked at like 21. It’s funny, because I went through this phase where I wasn’t getting much done (although I did get a college degree, but I mean real shit, creatively) because I was smoking too much. Funny thing though, there was a will in me determined to break free from this stoner malaise and I did. I eventually found that I can do basically anything blitzed out of my skull on bong rips just as well as I can sober. It requires caffeine.
I’m maybe a bit more type A, but what I did realize eventually is that learning to function while you’re stoned is a lot of hard work. It takes practice to maintain effectively. One of the most challenging skills I’ve ever had to develop, and since I was completely addicted at such a young age, it wasn’t a choice, it was either sink or swim. You know what? The whole process builds a lot of character. If you can do that, you can do anything, so what was I just saying about pot making people lazy again? Well, it can. But so can TV. It’s complicated.
What’s not complicated is that at a base level, if you took all the weird Occult shit I write about, willfully receiving transmissions from beyond the veil of time and such, the content can be summed up in rather complicated and also quite simplistic terms. At the most simplistic, it could all be as basic as positing that our society would be way better off if we fixated more of our psychic and spiritual energies on getting high and fucking rather than getting drunk, competitive, and violent. Super complicated concepts I’m dealing with here. You can obsess about skimming a few extra crumbs off the plates of the needy from an algorithm all day or focus your inner intent on figuring out how to get into the pants of your neighbors psychically by programming phat beats. You know what to do tripsters.