The British press can always be counted on to mask the depradations of the royal family – after all, they’re a national treasure who bring in much-needed revenue through tourism, right? Not quite. While David Icke might refer to them as shape-shifting lizards, others see them as parasites, leeching public money to maintain their palaces, country retreats and lavish lifestyles.
Of course, when the Queen gets the shits and has to spend a couple of days in her Freemasonic hospital, we can rely on the BBC and the Daily Mail to litter their screens and pages with endless coverage of this non-event; as for the thousands of “ordinary people” dying under the failing NHS – a system the Queen is quite happy to assist in the dismantling of – the same media is largely silent. Upon her release she was unfit to perform her public duties, but nevertheless found the time to sign the Commonwealth Charter, ensuring the interests of the realm continued to be protected.
Her son, Prince Charles, may be next in line for the throne, but the future is uncertain – in perhaps one of the bizarrest twists on the absurd concept of royal succession, member of the House of Lords Lord True wants to prepare for a lesbian queen who conceives using donor sperm, an idea which makes the arranged royal marriages of old seem somewhat quaint. The debate in the British parliament over the Succession To The Crown Bill and its efforts to bring the monarchy up to the present day on the issue of same sex marriage overlooks the long history of interbreeding and incest which characterises the sexual habits of royalty through the ages. That’s not to suggest that the Saxe-Coburg-Gothas – who changed their name to the more English-sounding Windsor during the Great War with Germany – practice this method of keeping the bloodline “pure”, although rumours abound over the paternity of Prince Harry.
Prince Charles is seen by many as a champion of the environment who has dedicated his life to protecting the beautiful undulating green pastures of Britain; an eccentric who talks to the plants. A carefully crafted myth perpetuated by slavish journalists, the reality is he’s no different to any other royal – while the Prince of Wales tells his “loyal subjects” to “work in harmony with nature”, behind the scenes his rapacious side comes out to play as he smothers the nature he claims to respect in concrete, all in the name of profit. Not content with the £18 million his land and property brings him annually, he plans to develop 1000 houses on an unspoilt field which once inspired the poet and novelist Thomas Hardy.
Evidently, Charles’s love of money supercedes his professed love of the natural world. He certainly had no qualms dipping into the public purse to support his lavish lifestyle – along with the rest of the royal family their expenses were scrutinised by an inquiry, carried out by agents of Her Majesty’s government. As for the question of royal tax avoidance, Her Majesty’s Custom and Revenue are sure to do a thorough job …
This lover of the natural world isn’t afraid of endorsing draconian measures to reduce fertility worldwide, having openly expressed support for biologists Paul and Anne Ehrlich’s study calling for population reduction. Perhaps he shares the sentiments of his Nazi father Prince Phillip, who once said, “In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, to contribute something to solving overpopulation”. The Ehrlichs can count themselves as members of the rising tide of modern eugenicists who feel that it is imperative that the global population needs to be drastically reduced. “Until and unless we can humanely begin to shrink the global population, following the lead of over-consuming and over-populated European nations, the future seems grim.”
It would be wise to treat the word “humanely” with a modicum of suspicion – the bloodlines of the Ehrlichs and the Windsors aren’t unlikely to be threatened by any population cull carried out in the name of saving the planet. The idea of redistributing wealth from the rich to the poor certainly isn’t one Ehrlich favours: “We have too much consumption among the rich and too little among the poor. That implies that terrible thing that we are going to have to do which is to somehow redistribute access to resources away the rich to the poor.”
Needless to say, Ehrlich’s views on the imperative for population reduction is shared by the Royal Society. This attitude towards the “useless eaters” of the world perhaps makes more sense in light of the Prince of Wales’ lineage, which has been traced back to none other than Vlad the Impaler, the inspiration for Dracula. Vlad had a neat and efficient way of dealing with the peasant population – he invited them all to a huge banquet, locked them in and burned the building to the ground. “Transylvania is in my blood,” quipped Charles. “The genealogy shows I am descended from Vlad the Impaler, so I do have a bit of a stake in the country.” Some have claimed that porphyria, the blood iron deficiency upon which the vampire myth is based, runs in the royal family – perhaps it runs the colour blue.
To some, the British royal family are a token feature of Britain’s great heritage; to others, an archaic remnant of the past. Many believe that the Queen’s role is purely ceremonial and holds little real power. The reality is much different. The fact that her face appears on all our money should in and of itself be revealing – beyond this, every major institution in the country is “Her Majesty’s”, from the government to the armed forces, of which she is Commander-in-Chief to whom all members swear allegiance. As for political power, along with Prince Charles the Queen has the power to veto any new laws being drafted – the coalition government were unable to block the documents revealing this information after a court order demanded their release. Liberal Democrat MP Andrew George said of the revelations, “This is opening the eyes of those who believe the Queen only has a ceremonial role.”
When royalty drives past the flag-waving crowds, behind the smiles they might well be laughing.