Who are they? Insectile hive mind derivative entities? Beings from the Sirius conglomerate of planetary intelligence systems? Holy Guardian Angels? Unholy Protector Daemons? They can be all of these things, and for the second time since I’ve been writing for Disinfo they reached into my psychic life, compelling me to blog about a specific subject matter. The problem is that unlike the last time, I honestly couldn’t understand the message entirely as it wasn’t as neatly succinct. Okay, it’s not like I didn’t understand the message, I just have a hard time wrapping my head around it for means of convenient articulation.
In fact, I’m honestly just managing to put it all together, sort of. For a while, I’d been contemplating creating what in magick circles is referred to as a servitor. The basic idea behind this concept is that it’s sort of like a software program you install into the interlocking grid of human consciousness. You’re creating an entity separate from yourself, but I suppose partially composed of your psychic higher life energy. You can design it in a number of ways, but you have to be very specific about what you want it to do and how it will go about doing these things. Ultimately it’s an idea I came about by reading a book called Condensed Chaos by Phil Hine. Highly recommended for those with a hankering for magick literature, albeit with a very instructional tone throughout. A servitor is sort of like writing code I suppose, not that I know dick about writing code.
The problem I was having with jumping forward with something like this myself was that I’ve been doing magick for years and so I’m incredibly aware that you’ve got to be careful about what you’re asking for, because it almost always works. So after sort of working on this and simultaneously avoiding it because I intuitively sensed I was maybe at this point beyond my depth, I started getting messages in my ganj-i-tation sessions regarding a, errr, “pain wizard”? I immediately didn’t like the concept, and I made them re-phrase it to a “holy pain wizard” by exerting my will. I still had no idea what they were talking about and the idea of bringing or spreading pain wasn’t something I was at all comfortable with. Maybe if it was pain to the corrupt of spirit in an avenging angel sort of sense. Then of course, as with a lot of these communiqué, the second I got up and started thinking about it, it became hilarious. Oh, a holy pain wizard, as in the software sense. Something to start easing the pain of the human experience by spreading through the hive mind and pointing us away from destructive karmic life cycles. I guess I can do that. And that’s what you want me to write about? Oh, yeah, that’s fucking gold guys.
If you’ll recall, the last time I was specifically asked to write about a particular topic, it was that to the 5th dimensional beings I’m chatting with, through sex magick trance meditation, the entire conscious experience of humanity presents itself like a separate solid entity, and all time is happening at once from their perspective. This would seem confusing, but the best metaphor I can come up with would be this. When you read a finished book it’s all written, but you read it sequentially. You don’t have to, you can skip ahead or to the end if you want. You can ask your friends to fill you in as to what happened in the parts you skipped. That’s sort of how we appear to them, like the entirety of humanity throughout history as one connected, living breathing storyline. I’m not the first one to bring this up, but apparently there’s a problem. For us to develop further, we have to inject the holy pain wizard into the mainframe of our inner neurological infrastructure. They’ve repeatedly shown me metaphorically how our existence is much akin to a video game. “Video Games are a Metaphor for Dreams” they once told me quite specifically, and they’ve shown me exactly how they’re looking at us from a 3rd person perspective, interacting with our “dream characters” repeatedly. They/me also once told me/them that there “is no pain on the other side”. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, as earth as it is in heaven. You know what I’m saying?
Now, this concept had been coming at me for a while, and I was always conceptualizing it as meaning that we need to start smoking way more pot and gobbling less pills washed down with booze for lunch. Pill popping is at an all time high after all, and Christ, with the legality of pharmaceutical advertising, is anyone surprised? I can’t fucking wait for psilocybin mushroom ads? This is the angle I had been approaching all of this from, but two weeks back they told me it also had far more to do with confronting your inner daemons and understanding how your past experiences absolutely dictate your future personhood. This is how we need to alleviate the pain of the human condition going forward. Again, to them, these things are all happening simultaneously.
I don’t truly get it either, but I will say that exactly a day after they told me to write about this, I was slated to eat Easter dinner with my parents and step sister’s family. It all went boringly well, but of course I never discuss my esoteric interests much in that crowd (or any really, but I go on and on about it on Facebook, friend me). For some reason though, the next day I slipped into the deepest depression I’d fallen victim to in over a year, when I first learned I’d have to clean up my drinking. I felt physiologically and mentally drained all day and went to bed retardedly early, which I sometimes resort to in situations like this.
While meditating in bed, I was about to drift off to sleep but was jolted awake quite suddenly recalling a random memory from my childhood. I’ll save you the long winded story, but this memory was basically pointing out to me how my Dad and Step Mom never ever remotely supported me in pursuing my interest in rock music as a kid. They actually were quite opposed to it every step of the way and they’ve still never seen me play. It seems utterly ridiculous in retrospect, growing up in the 90’s with parents who hated the fact that I wanted to destroy on guitar. I know how frivolous it can seem to those of the less artistic ilk but as Robert Pollard once so succinctly put it lyrically:
“I am a lost soul, I shoot myself with rock and roll, the hole I dig is bottomless but nothing else can set me free.”
My parents, like most people, have absolutely no idea what to make of my writing and again, it’s basically edited out of most casual conversations I have. In fact, at that particular dinner I was probably intentionally editing it out to avoid awkwardness. Due to this decision, I unconsciously created a negative energy field that absolutely affected my experience. Just after they were educating me about this exact sort of psychic link to the past. How convenient.
In fact, for the entire next week I felt a bit drained and off, but trudged through my day job gallantly, because that weekend I was finally picking up my new puppy. Again the coherence. Taking on a new form of life requires endless patience, support, and attention. I even designed specific sigils to help me locate the perfect pup. As a bit of a back story, I had a pug with my ex years before, and despite our relationship being on somewhat shaky ground, I agreed to help her buy a companion little guy to help better its life. Well, the bad news is that I inevitably left her, like I pretty much knew I would, and leaving those dogs utterly crushed my heart. Leaving her not so much. She had it coming. I did everything I could for that one but it was hopeless.
In the coming years I had repeated dreams of the one pug (who I later learned she’d neglected quite a bit when he was little guy) reaching out to me, entering my dreams in an astral state and sending me distress signals. Things were off in that camp, especially with his new little brother that I helped procure. These visions were so emotionally distressing that I actually reached out to her friends to see if I was onto something or if there was anything I could do. As it turned out, from what I heard she had devolved into a meth addict, so I most likely was absolutely picking up on legit etheric intel. The problem was that because of this, she’d lost touch with nearly everyone she used to know and in a nutshell, there was absolutely nothing I could do. The dog kept reaching out. I even had another emotionally charged vision echoing the same sentiment the week before we first met our little Ezekiel (yes, named after the biblical prophet, I get the feeling there’s a lot more to the inner lives of dogs than us arrogant humans like to take into account). The message couldn’t be more crystal. You don’t fuck around with organic life. I had been incredibly irresponsible as a younger man, which isn’t something that would have never occurred to me consciously.
And isn’t that what they’ve been trying to tell me? Isn’t that what I’m getting at when I talk about society gradually progressing to embrace the sacred feminine. The nurturer. When I look at the pain facing humanity, so much of it has to do with the constant expansionary agenda of materialism we’ve unconsciously settled on. We don’t even talk directly about what we’re doing with that or why. It makes rich people more money so case closed. Paternal warrior energy gone bezerk. We’ve probably learned enough about science, technology, engineering, and mathematics at this point in our development. We’re not raising our kids. I had a comparatively easy childhood when all’s said and done, but that’s not saying much in regards to how good it was. My parent’s both sort of sucked and I was fortunate enough to have incredible grand parents. God, my ex girlfriend and I didn’t even read any books about dog training a decade ago when we got that apparently ill fated dog. I always assumed pugs were incredibly stupid because they’re such irrepressible clowns, only to later find out they’re quite ridiculously intelligent. I taught my little guy how to walk in 15 minutes.
I have a friend who just had a kid. About 3 months before it was due, he started looking at the costs of child care and was shocked. Didn’t even occur to him until that point. Truthfully, it never struck me that he wanted a kid in the first place. Thank god we have Teen Mom on MTV rather than trippy cartoons like they had when I was a kid. If we want to get our collective pain under control, we have to stop this sort of reckless breeding mentality. This is where our pain stems from. We have no direction or purpose other than to funnel wealth to the top of a consumerist black hole. We need to pull our shit together, and on that note, I have a puppy sleeping on my lap as I’m writing this and he’ll probably want some attention soon. Until next week true believers.