Okay, now it should be stated that I love the website Vice. I do. The fact that a pop culture youth media site does better overseas journalism regarding things like the American war machine than actual media outlets these days is beyond mind blowing and creepy. Unfortunately, it is exactly because of their influence on the youth media market that their recent turn as PR men for aging, culturally irrelevant millionaire rock stars is so unbelievably disappointing. The gripe about so called hipster music coverage is that they only cover the bands that their writers or friends are fucking (usually pretty accurate), but you know, at least back in the day they were apparently fucking creative people with talent.
Not anymore, in the last month they’ve just started reporting on richie rich bands solely because of money. As mentioned, what’s even skeezier about this turn is that they’re doing it in an obviously calculated attempt to rebrand successful musicians perceived by the public as tragically uncool, and it makes perfect sense. Hey, we’re Cash Money records, we just signed Limp Bizkit. Problem. Nobody thinks that band is remotely cool anymore and they haven’t sold a record in years. Hmmm, how do we rectify this? Well, what if we get Vice to write about them? Vice is considered cool right? So like, if Vice starts writing articles telling people that it’s totally okay to admit that you’re into Limp Bizkit again, maybe we can revive their career. And so with that logic we get the monstrosity entitled – I Saw Limp Bizkit Last Night and It Changed My Life.
Unfuckingbelievable. I honestly threw up in my mouth a little bit reading it. So essentially, the article’s position is that being a millionaire rock star who was critically reviled and therefore faced an enormous, absolutely justified backlash and thus couldn’t sell a record to save their life is now somehow punk rock. Yep, that’s the new punk according to Vice. Let me quote them on this position:
“Succeeding in spite of yourself is punk as fuck. So is having a good time. So is not caring what other people think. So is pissing people the fuck off. And in that way, Limp Bizkit will always be more punk than God.”
Yep, you read that right and guess what, it gets worse. About a week later they posted another piece, this time trying to convince their readers that Pete Wentz and his total pile of shit band Fall Out Boy are somehow still relevant and you know guys, he’s actually really cool in an article entitled: Pete Wentz is the Last True Punk. Again, barf times infinity. The funniest thing about reading that is that I unfortunately caught Fall Out Boy’s first single from their new record Save Rock And Roll a week prior (their new album is actually called Save Rock and Roll, no shit, as if Fall Out Boy are going to save rock and roll, from what, mall emo?). I shit you not, it is crappy tween emo trying to sound like hip hop i.e. the worst and most blatantly calculated marketing music I’ve ever heard. I did learn one thing from reading the Vice article though. Pete Wentz is a trust fund brat who’s related to Colin Powell. See, that’s why he has a career. You know what else he has? A stupid reality TV show that he hosts called Best Ink. He also sometimes hosts adult contemporary VH1 countdown shows which everybody knows is the most punk rock activity in the history of the universe. Oh, and you know, he married Ashlee Simpson which is punk as fuck by every definition of the word.
Absolutely heinous writing and I just noticed that both articles were written by the same douchetard, Drew Millard. Yep, Vice hired a guy who’s super into Fall Out Boy and has no problem going to Limp Bizkit gigs to write about music for them. What in the absolute fuck? Let us never forget that that Fred Durst was also an AR guy responsible for the careers of craptastic mook rock bands like Puddle of Mudd and Staind. Completely unforgivable. But wait, it gets worse, they continue to cover Limp Bizkit’s “comeback”, and this time in the most unusual piece of music writing I’ve ever seen entitled: It’s 2013, Who Still Listens to Limp Bizkit? This is total weirdsville. Vice can’t outright admit that they’re into Limp Bizkit and getting paid to do PR for them as that would ruin their hipster cred, so they have to do this thing where they pretend that they’re making fun of Limp Bizkit fans, but that’s not what that article is about at all. The message is clear, liking Limp Bizkit is cool again and you should totally go check out their new album and tour, because you’ll have a great time yo’. Do it all for the nookie…again! The chick writing the piece even touches on the horrifying nature of rape rock, but admits that she has no problem with it:
“I graduated high school twelve years ago. I still self-identify as a feminist, but I also identify as a Rape Rock fan (“Rape Rock” being the genre I coined for music of Limp Bizkit’s ilk). What can I say? I love the lyrics’ blind, impotent rage, and awe-inspiring lack of self-awareness. I love the pageantry.”
See what they did there? Liking Limp Bizkit isn’t the lamest thing you can do with your life. It’s totally awesome again kids. On the same day they posted something just as bizarre, a PR piece for Paris Hilton’s new album (also on you guessed it, Cash Money records), that’s pretending to make fun of her music career. Same deal, we’re making fun of this album, but really, we’re getting paid to market it. I didn’t know Paris Hilton considered herself a musician or made records until I read that and I’m sure her new single will get quite a few irony sells as a result, which is the point. So, is Cash Money the worst record label in the history of the universe? They popularized bling rap and then when that faded signed Paris Hilton and Limp Bizkit, you do the math?
Oh Pitchfork, I’m almost sorry I ever made fun of you. Vice is making you look like pure class and artistic integrity here as of late (Vice is partially owned by Viacom). People might read something like this and think hey, I don’t understand, isn’t taste subjective? Why would you trash music that other people obviously like? Good point, I suppose I do it because rich people spend crap tons of money getting people to listen to horrible music and it does in fact make them stupider. Because of these articles, rather than giving money to talented unknown musicians, kids are going to go give it to the exact people who need and deserve it the least. Basic wealth inequality 101. Why do you care? Well, when I first started getting into music, hair metal was all the rage. I was 11 and I owned and enjoyed albums by the likes of Winger and Poison. I can admit that. What I don’t do is pretend that I was anything more than a complete moron at that age, blindly buying whatever the industry was getting paid to sell me. I don’t go back and say, hey, I liked that stuff so it must have been good. No, it was fucking terrible. I turned 13 and never bought a hair metal record again. Hair metal is roughly a million times better than rape rock.
On that note, back in the early 2000’s there was a predictable wave of liking shitty 80’s hair metal ironically among the hipster set. I couldn’t go to a trendy bar in Seattle without some idiot throwing on Def Leppard or some shit. Fucking pathetic. The VH1 network was spending tons of cash on “I love the 80’s” nostalgia trying to get us to believe that these bands were still awesome and not just a bunch of coked out conformist twats. I joked back then that there’d be irony nu metal nights in the future with hipster kids putting on backwards baseball caps and rocking out to Korn, Kid Rock, and the Bizkit. Seems like that’s now right around the corner. We’re all fucked.