Jim Bakker is Back and He Wants You to Eat His Soy-Nut Butter


I hope that the resurrection is everything you hoped it would be, Jim.

When the apocalypse comes, I’m going to eat Jim Bakker first. That despicable little rodent is back, and this time he’s trying to hawk party supplies for the end-times. What would Jesus hoard?

Via Newsvandal:

The end of the world is coming.

And you’re gonna need food. A lot of food.

That’s where Jim Bakker comes in.

Yes, that Jim Bakker—as in Jim and Tammy Faye and “The PTL Club” television empire.

Yes, the selfsame Jim Bakker who, at the time of his epic fall from grace, seemed to embody all those deeply Christian and quintessentially American values broadcast globally by that fascinating genus of human being we call “the televangelist.”

Their holy trinity—a tax-free entrepreneurial spirit, a convenient confusion of “praying on” with “preying upon” and a devout belief that devout belief is a God-given market opportunity—keeps them rolling in clover until they inevitably get caught rolling in the hay.

But, as self-described “sinners” perpetually washed in the blood of a radical, 2000 year-old rabbi, they’ve always got the ultimate get-out-of-moral-peril-for-free card tucked up their finely-tailored sleeves. For the upwardly mobile Evangelical, forgiveness is always at hand.
So, emulating the classic Christian motif, Jim has done his time and he’s risen again to take to the airwaves. Now re-married to another bubbly-blonde co-host, he’s once-again spreading the word of God.

Well, he’s willing to spread the word of God, if you are willing to spread his “favorite” soy-nut butter.

That’s just one of the hard bargains Jim’s driving in his new incarnation as survivalist food pitchman. In fact, Jim’s got a whole catalog of foodstuffs that he is willing to “give” you as a “thank you” in return for your “love gift” to his “ministry.”

Keep reading. And hold the soy-nut butter, Jimmy.

6 Comments on "Jim Bakker is Back and He Wants You to Eat His Soy-Nut Butter"

  1. John Johnson | Jun 6, 2013 at 9:16 pm |

    Baker is always working an angle of a con.

  2. This trash has some nerve.

  3. swabby429 | Jun 6, 2013 at 9:31 pm |

    A guy shouldn’t eat very much of that stuff. It encourages estrogen which can be a very serious problem for males who wish to remain healthy. The same, in different ways, for women.

    • Matt Staggs | Jun 7, 2013 at 10:52 am |

      I do almond milk and almond butter. I avoid soy for the same reason. There’s a lot of hormones and chemical agents floating around our biosphere already that can foul up men’s natural hormonal balances. Testosterone levels are actually lower now among men than they have in years past. Once your testosterone gets jacked up you can get really unhealthy quick. It becomes harder to lose weight and build muscle, and also affects your mood and other things. Weight gain is a major culprit, and it becomes a vicious cycle: Being overweight is killing your testosterone and not having enough testosterone is making it difficult to kill the weight. I’ve gotten to be a fitness nut and have lost over 30 pounds as a result. I walk and jog at least two miles every day that I’m not in jiu-jitsu or kickboxing, and I swing kettlebells and maces every day of the week, plus sit-ups and push-ups in the morning. I also do yoga on Saturdays and meditation on Sunday. I’m not ripped or anything at all, but I’m lean and healthy now. I sleep better than ever, I stay in a good mood, and can move fast and exert myself when needed.

  4. BuzzCoastin | Jun 7, 2013 at 12:15 am |

    I know when the end cums
    Jim Bakker’s GMO soy butter will be splattered everywhere

  5. saint_al | Jun 7, 2013 at 2:06 pm |

    Wonder if Ol’ Frogface’s now-bearded mug will appear on every label (kind of like Paul Newman in reverse). I’d wager on free Bible verses on the back, changed occasionally- or at least as long as the time before the product tanks.

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