Hundreds of Herpetic Monkeys Roam Florida

Oh, Florida: Funny-Monkey-2You’re the state that keeps on giving, Anybody got a blowgun loaded with Valtrex handy?

Via Drudge Report:

Beware of the monkeys!

Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.

Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.

But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.

Read on for tales of Herpes Monkeys Madness.


11 Comments on "Hundreds of Herpetic Monkeys Roam Florida"

  1. Rhoid Rager | Sep 13, 2013 at 9:18 pm |

    Thanks for the random weirdness of the day, Matt.

    There’s an astronomically better chance of catching herpes from a late-night of drinking in Miami than being swarmed by a pack of wild monkeys in the Everglades.

  2. I feel the need to share my monkey stories from across the east coast:

    When I was little in Miami, my parents used to scare me by talking about the Monkey Jungle. Their actual slogan is “Where humans are caged and monkeys run wild.” This is a stupid idea for south Florida. Every time we were hit by a big hurricane, monkeys would be scattered across the county. The place still exists. I assume this pleases the alligators.

    In Alabama, my folks took me to the Birmingham zoo (I do not recommend this). One woman stood next to us smoking a cigarette as we watched the monkeys. She carelessly flicked the butt into the cage. One particularly badass monkey ran up to it, took a big drag, then hocked a huge loogie in the ladies face.

    More recently, on my way to Baltimore, there was a traffic jam and all kinds of cops and animal control people. It turns out, a bunch of monkeys had escaped from the circus and were hiding alongside the highway, hurling stolen, half-eaten fruit into traffic. They were never apprehended.

    • sonicbphuct | Sep 14, 2013 at 6:07 am |

      now that, sir, is what i call a collection. I can honestly say I have *zero* monkey stories and that makes me kind of … despondant. What have I done wrong in my life?

      • Rhoid Rager | Sep 14, 2013 at 6:48 am |

        I have only one monkey story. I was hiking on Hieizan mountain in Kyoto, Japan with my wife back in 2000 and a wild pack blocked our path. We walked within 2 metres of them but the little shits didn’t move a muscle. We just cowardly scurried around them as though we were small woodland creatures 1/20 of our size.

  3. Anarchy Pony | Sep 13, 2013 at 9:31 pm |

    Hopefully the little bastards stay in the tropics…

  4. jasonpaulhayes | Sep 13, 2013 at 10:32 pm |

    Florida Man strikes again… oh wait, it’s a herpetic monkey not an ape.

  5. Charlie Primero | Sep 14, 2013 at 6:11 am |

    Is there a bag limit on these things?

    Does grilling kill the herpes, or should one stew them?

  6. Ted Heistman | Sep 14, 2013 at 8:00 am |

    Sounds like gossip to me…

  7. There goes Florida…..again!
    The Whackadoodle State

  8. I’m no longer in Florida, but that won’t stop me from sharing this with my Orlando buddies. Why is it that FL is always making the news with such stories?

Comments are closed.