Can Weed Help You Deal with Your B*llsh*t Day Job?

musicworship1Now, the following story isn’t something I’m proud of. Truth be told, reading about Graham Hancock’s Giving Up the Green Bitch ordeal was sort of eye opening for me, not in the “pot can lead to bad things sort of way”, but moreover in the, “wow, Graham used to smoke way more weed than I ever have” way. Kind of a warning in all honesty. If I didn’t have to work a day job like Graham, I could probably quite easily fall into the smoking-all-day-every-day trap that he found himself ensnared in. As a matter of fact, that’s how I roll on the weekends, but you know, on a daily basis I have to work boring ass jobs to support myself and smoking at work has always struck me as both a waste of weed and a high. Because of this, I typically don’t blaze up until like 5pm during the work week.

Which is apparently a good thing if there is a lesson to be learned from Graham’s overindulgence, but there was a brief period in my life where I was in fact getting high at all times, and I was doing this precisely to help me deal with a tough work situation. What’s particularly hilarious about this is that it wasn’t really my idea at all, it was society’s. No seriously, has it ever occurred to you that you could legally take drugs to help ease the pain of having a crappy job? Never occurred to me until the Facebook era (friend me). As mentioned, I was going through a particularly rough patch in my “career”. After the economy tanked in 2008, I got laid off and quite amazingly found another job that paid even better than the one I’d lost. It was all fine and dandy for a while, and then I went through about a six to eight month stretch where it was all fucked. People who shouldn’t have gotten promoted to management were because of creepy sexual politics and due to that my supervisors were grossly under qualified morons. Now, this isn’t a subjective opinion. They all actually ended up getting fired or demoted because of their incompetence, but that took a while and in the meantime, I had to put up with it, which I wasn’t honestly doing very well. There were more than a few times where I said things I probably shouldn’t have and realized as much pretty quickly. Keeping my mouth shut about the absurdity of the situation was something I was starting to struggle with, which was becoming a problem that could have potentially gotten me fired.

During this stretch I kept seeing this one acquaintance of mine continually making Facebook posts saying things like: “been at work for 15 minutes this morning and I’ve already had to pop a Xanax.” A light went off in my head. Holy fuck, what a great story for a writer such as myself. I could get wasted on weird pharmaceuticals at work and if I had a psychiatrist’s note, there is absolutely nothing anyone could do about it. Christ, there’s a good chance I could even get these pills paid for by my insurance. God bless the drug war. Now, I suppose the only downside to this plan was having to experiment with disturbing politically endorsed mind control drugs. Who am I kidding, that would have maybe been the fun part. I was going to see how far I could push it when soliciting the psychiatrist. From what I’ve heard from friends, they’re just looking to hook addicts to fuel pharmaceutical industry profit margins. I was going to make up some crap story about anxiety or depression. It’s not like this story would be entirely untrue. I was fairly sure I could sell it, but I wanted to subtly work in the phrase “pill me up bitch” after the deal was sealed and get that on tape. If I could say that to a therapist and still get my meds, it’d be priceless.

As I’m telling my wife about this plan, she of course points out the glaringly obvious, “errr, why don’t you just smoke pot at work if you’re getting that irritated?” God, why are women right eighty percent of the time? Probably has something to do with whole the thinking with both sides of their brains thing. For some reason this hadn’t even occurred to me until she mentioned it. I suppose the boundary I saw there was that I thought maybe it’d interfere with my ability to do my robotic job. The drug war has filled our heads with a lot of ridiculous nonsense over the years. It was thinking I couldn’t write while high that held me back on that front for quite some time. But this was crunching numbers, doing customer service, dealing with generalized corporate douchebaggery and what not. Before I even decided if it was worth a try, I got hip to the fact that a few of my coworkers just so happened to skip out on nearly every lunch break and blaze up. It was just too conveniently in tune with what I’d been contemplating that resistance was futile.
You know what the result of that was? Me coming back to work and having these exact thoughts:

“I cannot believe that I got so pissed off about something as ridiculously fucking stupid as this dumb ass day job. What a bunch of insignificant nonsense. Holy crap am I an idiot. I mean seriously, I was getting pissed off about this inane ass loserville bullshit? What…in…the…absolute…fuck is wrong with me?”

From there, everything got a million times better and I think I just explained why weed has been so demonized over the years. If everyone thought like that, our current society would cease to function, and gasp, maybe turn into something better. Did I mention this same job jammed booze down our throats at corporate sponsored parties? I’ve worked for several companies like that. Kind of a staple in the business world in all actuality. It’s because of this that I’m well aware I can work just fine when I’m mildly drunk (I can actually be an incredibly productive drunk, which was part of my problem with booze), but I was for some reason unsure about my aptitudes while stoned. As it turns out, those fears were entirely unfounded. When we’d go out to spark up at lunch, whereas my friends would take a few tokes to ease the boring pains, I’d get as fucked up as possible; come back in, turn on some trippy music and plug away at the task at hand. It’s like I had this odd guilt thing driving me. If I’m working really hard, no one will notice how out of the fucking galaxy my head is right now while I’m digging on this drone record. Super surreal. Completely ensared by hyper-real dimensions of cascading sound patterns meshing with plant heightened aural perception—simultaneously on auto pilot banging out repetitive and vaguely evil wealth mongering minutiae. There was an entire office whirring around me. I was my own planet, only partially aware and concerned with its existence.

What’s more fascinating is that due to the wonders of freaky micromanagement technology, I could actually measure my stats. I was often putting up better numbers than I ever did sober. I remember the first time I came back to work from lunch high, quickly identifying a process I’d been doing one way for months and correcting the error immediately. This kind of efficiency improvement stoned thinking happened more than a bit during this period. And you know what else? I was actually being nicer to people and talking to my coworkers more. I pretty much expected the exact opposite to happen. After a while I was often sucking down bong rips before work and even somewhat looking forward to getting lost in that subjective drug music office haze.

Now, it should be noted that pot influences individual minds quite differently, and as I’ve pointed out before, it took me quite a while to learn how to function properly stoned. It requires a lot of caffeine which is no problem in any work environment that jams coffee down your throat, which is most. Much like it takes most people quite a while (if ever) to learn how to handle their liquor, weed’s no different. It’s incredibly powerful in its ability to alter perception and turn people inwardly. I remember not one but two separate times as a teenager actually thinking I pissed myself in public while passing around bowls with friends at parties. In my head I was all like, “oh my god, this is going to be so embarrassing, I’m going to have to admit to everyone that I just peed my pants on weed and go home and change”. And then I realized, “Wait, that didn’t happen.” You’d think after the first time I would have figured it out. Marijuana is a hell of a drug.

That being said, I was smoking at work near daily for a period of about four or five months, then I got a new job, and I’ve never reverted back to it. I wasn’t miserable anymore, so there was no reason to. This was years ago now. Haven’t had the urge since. Never ended up experimenting with things like Xanax or whatever the fuck, but man did pot work for what I needed it to do. The popular myth making you still constantly see in the media regarding pot, even now that it’s being legalized in some places is sort of unreal. You never hear anyone mentioning its enormous potentiality as a meditational aid, or a sex aid, or a sex meditational aid. But even beyond that you also barely hear anyone talk about its potential as an anti depressant. It’s not like I haven’t dealt with my share of acute rapid onset depression . Weed’s always helped me pull out of that. This is but another example of me avoiding psychiatry and just self prescribing ganj as a PRN. Christ, the upside of the profit margin on this stuff is astronomical if it can get marketed on a fair playing field with other medications. Helping one put up with shitty but necessary professional situations never struck me as one of its logical applications, but as I found, it was quite amazingly effective in this capacity. Who knew? I can see the commercial now:

“Pot helped me realize I don’t give a flying fuck about my dumb ass job, and so I shut the fuck up and continued to take their money quietly while I found a new one.”

The legalization of marijuana in places like Washington and Colorado is one of the more landmark political events in recent history. The fight for this god given right isn’t even close to over, so we can’t get complacent. We need to continue to strike while the iron is hot. Weed is like the one thing this country can agree on at the moment. It could be the first chink in the establishment’s armor. From there the discussion should turn to legalizing psychedelics, mushrooms in particular, and trust me, that’s a discussion that no one in the beltway wants trending on Twitter (follow me) regularly. They have no answers for these sort of questions, but until we get there, keep it surreal kids. Weed might just be the only thing that can both help you blend into society and detach yourself from it, as strange as that all may sound. Didn’t even occur to me until I tried it.

(As always, friend me on Facebook for Occult weirdness, Twitter for extended high strangeness)

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  • DrDavidKelly

    I can relate to this. Pot is real good for helping us concentrate on the important things … like music and getting along with our brothers & sisters, not bs office politics. And yeah I find I can really concentrate when I’m high. Clean the house when you’re high and notice the attention to detail. The only downside I can see to getting high at work is that you might start to see through the facade of the corporation to the point where you go – you know I just don’t care about making you guys any more money.

    • http://www.sacredgeometryinternational.com/ Camron Wiltshire

      That and you start thinking about God and realize you are not cut out for a cubicle farm any longer. Sometimes… you even get a wee bit psychic ;)

      • Matt Staggs

        Ahem. No comment.

  • serena blackcat

    This article is great as well as hilarious. Meanwhile, more employers than ever are implementing Marijuana Testing as a way to suck every last bit of enjoyment out of their employees’ lives.

  • Rhoid Rager

    I received a revise and resubmit order from the editor of a peer-reviewed journal regarding an article I submitted. I did all the edits after I smoked my mind out, and I found that I was able to organize my thoughts more cogently and that my writer’s empathy function increased substantially. Writers need empathy when they write, since the clarity of the text depends on how well the writer can see the text they’ve written from another’s perspective. I’ve found that weed augments my empathic abilities, and I’ve never appreciated another’s perspective as much as when I’m high.

  • Druid404

    Really perceptive article – thanks for sharing.

    I’ve found that I work best when I keep a real Jefferson-style wall of separation between my blazing and my day job (which is pretty uninteresting but I’m not going to go there).

    Thad nails it – I don’t want to waste good weed doing my usual day-to-day drudgery. In fact I could be jamming my favorite Sleep tunes and looking at psychedelic artwork on the monitor screen and I’d still feel weirded out.

    Still, I think Thad brings up an important point about weed. Although there are exceptions, it’s really hard to be a workplace asshole and smoke pot. When I get high late at night after work, I always end up spending a moment thinking about how my work day went and how I might be able to get along with people better or find a positive way to deal with a difficult person.

    I remember reading somewhere that the soma described in Huxley’s Brave New World is already here – it’s weed!

  • http://www.sacredgeometryinternational.com/ Camron Wiltshire

    Nice one Thad!

  • BuzzCoastin

    it’s not the job or the drugs
    “Even if you strive diligently on you chosen path day after day, if your heart is not in accord with it then even if you think you are on a good path, from the point of view of the straight and true, this is not a genuine path. If you do not pursue a genuine path to its consummation, then a little bit of crookedness in the mind will later turn into a major warp. Reflect on this”

  • Jane

    I lose too many inhibitions when I’m under the influence of anything… I start telling people how I really feel… and I make too much money to get fired – or arrested for various hate crimes.

  • Conspiracy Carrot

    The Green Bitch has helped me deal with a great many things in life: chronic pain, anxiety/depression, being stuck on this fucked up planet, having shitty day jobs. But it also enhances things I do enjoy: hiking, bicycling, working out, graphic design. It’s just a pretty cool plant. And I hear you can make all kindsa shit with it: http://www.amazon.com/Hemp-Lifeline-Unexpected-Environmental-Economic/dp/0963975412

  • echar

    For sure it can. I’d take one hitters right in my office at one job. It took the edge off the repetitive work. It also made my bike ride in much more enjoyable. There was a bird sanctuary about a mile from the site, where I’d stop at the same place and toke a few.

    • Rhoid Rager

      I love good memories like that. I have the best memories in my little secret toke spots.

    • Conspiracy Carrot

      I think we used to work together ;) I spent a decade at some old hippie’s merchandising company where most everyone smoked; half of us would smoke up at work in the boiler room or my basement office. A few puffs off the one hitter can be far more refreshing than a cup of coffee. You just can’t beat a workplace that allows humans to be human.

      • echar

        Oh no… I would sneak it. My office was a small building ten or more feat in the air. I’d stand close to the window. lol… A little risky, but I am an expert.

  • BeckyMH

    I think what you say is so true. Sometimes in this strictly controlled world, run by the most self centered people, there is a need to become detached to avoid the stress, worry and madness that comes with being a wage slave. Weed can enable a person to work perfectly well (as long as they are not in charge of dangerous machinery) by releasing the tensions that can arise and enabling an acceptable level of competence in most jobs. It may even improve a person’s ability to do their job by allowing them to let go of unnecessary fears that can damage health and social relations.
    I agree that it is necessary to be ‘conditioned’ to smoking, as would be the case with alcohol, so it would not suit everyone. We are all individuals and one man’s poison is another’s medicine.
    Legalization or at least decriminalization is long overdue for cannabis. It is probably the drug companies that are so resistant to any change in the law. Lets hope this will change in the near future, even if it means putting pharmaceuticals out of business.

  • Charlie Primero

    If you were locked up in a miserable State Penitentiary, but could take all the heroin, xanax, weed, etc. you wanted to stupefy yourself to pass the time, would you? I would.

    If you could get up every morning and make money doing something you loved that actually made the world a better place, would you also stay high all day or get mildly drunk each evening? I wouldn’t.

    The worst drug addicts I ever saw were 50 year-old middle-class women with no husband or grandkids, locked into a boring-azz corporate job doing repetitive, abstract paper pushing who couldn’t quit because of debt for a car, bed-bath-&-beyond crap, and a nice apartment.

    Glance inside their purses when they go for a tissue. The bigger purse the better. They are a tote bags full of Zoloft, Ativan, Prozac, Paxil, Effexor, Welbutrin, Xanax, Trazadone, Hydrocodone, Tramadol, and Valium.

    • Conspiracy Carrot

      “If you could get up every morning and make money doing something you
      loved that actually made the world a better place, would you also stay
      high all day or get mildly drunk each evening? I wouldn’t.”

      I have and did, I do and will. So yes. But I’m a mental fuck.

  • doodahman

    Been there, done that. Now I’m on the 5 p.m. to bed time smoking schedule. It’s more affordable than all day every day.

  • Juan

    Because of where I work, for me, getting baked at work would be a waste of weed.
    I enjoy it in the evening between dinner and bedtime, ah, such a nice way to end the day:)

  • Alan Morse Davies

    Yes.

  • marshall

    My comment is solely based on the title alone, but one should not smoke weed to deal with their bullshit day job, they should just try to make their bullshit day job better….like, “fuck boss, pay me more money or we are going to fuck this shit up” or like, “treat me better boss, or we will fuck this shit up” kind of stuff, not passively accepting an ass reaming all the time…unless you just like it.

  • Damian Caligula

    I used to work fourteen hours a day six days a week. Getting high was the only way I was able to deal with that much work. My boss was fine with me getting high on my break, he saw I actually did a better job and was more calm than when I was sober.