Jesus Ween is Approaching

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Is Halloween not Christian enough for you? Considering it is a shortened version of All Hallows’ eve (All Saints Day). Halloween is so 1745. Get with the times and celebrate Jesus Ween. Stock up on Bibles, because that is what all the kids want. Even if it’s not what they want, it’s what they need.

Our mission is to ensure that Jesus Ween becomes a global phenomenon. We have and will continue to share the word of God in love and by doing that, we seek to encourage a culture whereby Christians, regardless of their denomination, reach out to the world around them with the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The Bible references on which our mission is based are as follows: 

Habakkuk 2:14 – “For the earth shall be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the LORD, as the waters cover the sea”

Romans 12:2 – “and be not conformed to this world but be ye transformed by the renewing of your minds”

Mark 16:15 – “Go into the entire world and preach the good news to all creation”

via Jesus Ween

Festival of Samhain, Feast of Pomona, Parentalia. What that’s about?

2 Chronicles 15:12-13 They entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul; and everyone who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, was to be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman. 
Leviticus 24:16  Anyone who blasphemes the name of the LORD must be put to death. The entire assembly must stone him.
Deuteronomy 13:7-12  If your own full brother, or your son or daughter, or your beloved wife, or you intimate friend, entices you secretly to serve other gods …do not yield to him or listen to him, nor look with pity upon him, to spare or shield him, but kill him. 

No idea, but if handing out Bibles, being all righteously perfect, and culturally oblivious isn’t enough. We also offer party tricks.

 

I’ll see you at the shindig, don’t forget your crosses.

 

 

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  • Haystack

    It sounds like The Nightmare before Christmas, only this time Jesus tries to steal Halloween.

  • Cortacespedes

    Oh man, I thought Gene and Dean decided not to break up and this was their new album release.

    Imagine my disappointment.

    • Sean

      lol….I literally had the same thought.
      Once I saw the actual article, I then thought….’Do Christians have to ruin EVERYTHING?’

      • Cortacespedes

        Yes. Some (by no means all) Christians have to ruin everything, all of the time.

    • gustave courbet

      My thoughts exactly

  • DeepCough

    “I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.”Isaiah 31:1-2

    “Behold, this evil is of the LORD.” 2 Kings 6:33

    See, Yahweh/Jehovah/Allah approves of Halloween, because if Halloween is evil, and all evil is from the “LORD” then it is perfectly okay. Also, I’m not sure if anyone else has pointed this out, but the term “Jesusween” carries an unfortunate implied meaning: it suggests that people should be gradually negating or discarding over time (or weening) people off of Jesus. And I can’t think of a more perfect time than

    Halloween!

    For easier reading of the extramarginal quotes–

    “And they entered into a covenant to seek the LORD God of their fathers
    with all their heart and with all their soul; That whosoever would
    not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or
    great, whether man or woman.” –2 Chronicles 15:12-13

    “And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he
    that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be
    put to death.” –Leviticus 24:16

    “Namely, of the gods of
    the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from
    thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth;

    Thou shalt not consent
    unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither
    shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt
    surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and
    afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone
    him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee
    away from the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt,
    from the house of bondage. And all Israel shall hear, and fear, and shall do no more any such wickedness as this is among you. If thou shalt hear say
    in one of thy cities, which the LORD thy God hath given thee to dwell there,
    saying.”
    –Deuteronomy 13:7-12

  • Anarchy Pony

    This shit reminds me of the King of The Hill Halloween episode.

    • DeepCough

      Season 2, Episode 4 “Hilloween.”

      • Anarchy Pony

        Precisely.

  • Calypso_1

    Dear Lord
    We await the bounty of hilarity that the Jesus Weeners shall bring unto us this Sacred season in the uplifting & Glory of Thine Holy Name.

    • DeepCough

      *Jesus Wieners

      • Calypso_1

        He is Arisen

        • echar

          I am not sure if I should be aghast or amazed by his second coming.

          *maybe too far

          • Calypso_1

            It makes me wonder about the ‘anointing’ of the holy dove.

          • echar

            There are symbols in rosicrucionism, Alchemy, and other esoteric orders that depict literal and figuritive sexual acts.

            The mayans ritually sacraficed blood from their penises. Etc…

        • Guest

          think he’s got enough in him for a second coming?

          • Calypso_1

            I am thinking this could very well be a depiction of the ancient artes of eroto-comatose lucidity.

  • Evan Camomile

    Well it took them long enough to get to Samhain. They’ve already done this with Eoster and Yule. I can’t wait until they get to Lupercalia, oh wait Valentines, nevermind.

  • BuzzCoastin

    Jesus Ween
    Chocolate & Cheese?

  • BuzzCoastin

    is this an Onion thing?
    Jesus, it’s so fake it’s seems real

    • kowalityjesus

      There are still untouched corners of innocence in this world.

      • jnana

        places where Yahweh’s curse hasn’t reached?
        not so sure i’d call it innocence so much as ignorance.
        we gotta eat that fruit of knowledge before we can bust out of this prison.

        • kowalityjesus

          there’s such a thing as original sin, then there’s such a thing as jadedness.

  • ReAlityFlippin’

    Tis’ the season I always see a huge middle finger to humanity when I see a christian church because I know someone was murdered and stole on to obtain that land

  • Tuna Ghost

    You know, whenever I need to really drive a point home, I always go to the book of Habbakuk too

  • jasonpaulhayes

    Take a look, its it a book… Reading Rainbow !

    Jeremiah 10:1-10

    Hear the word that the Lord speaks to you, O house of Israel. Thus says the Lord: “Learn not the way of the nations, nor be dismayed at the signs of the
    heavens because the nations are dismayed at them, for the customs of the
    peoples are vanity. A tree from the forest is cut down and worked with
    an axe by the hands of a craftsman. They decorate it with silver and
    gold; they fasten it with hammer and nails so that it cannot move. Their
    idols are like scarecrows in a cucumber field, and they cannot speak;
    they have to be carried, for they cannot walk. Do not be afraid of them,
    for they cannot do evil, neither is it in them to do good.” …