Ted Cruz: Destroying Entire Planet Only Reliable Way To End Obamacare

Ted_Cruz,_official_portrait,_113th_CongressFrom the New Yorker:

…Explaining his proposal to a visibly alarmed Crowley, Senator Cruz said, “Obamacare is like a parasite that needs a host to feed on. If you want to kill the parasite you kill the host, and in this case that means killing this planet. As long as there’s a planet Earth, the nightmare of Obamacare could always come screaming back to life.”

While he was not specific about how he would go about destroying the planet, Cruz said, “This is something that my colleagues and I have been working on for some time.”

The Texas senator refused to speculate on whether there were enough votes in Congress to support his proposal of obliterating Earth, but he ended his interview on a personal note: “Candy, I don’t want my children and my children’s children to live in a world with Obamacare. And the best way to guarantee that is by destroying the world.”

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  • Simon Valentine

    contact the tok’ra! schedule an extraction ceremony!

    unplug the malp! shut down all the emergency lighting!

  • InfvoCuernos

    Since when does the New Yorker compete with the Onion for absurd stories? I’m pretty sure even an evil super villain waits until he has the hero(heroine?) in his custody before revealing his plot. Do they really expect us to believe he just let this “Candy” person walk right out of his secret lair?

  • Ted Heistman

    Attempting to enter this guy’s mental space just gave me the willies…

  • Kilo Jonez

    Written by a satirist. Calm down, disinfo.