I’m Tired of the U.S. Government Spying On Me. So I’m Running for President of France

Ted Rall, President of France

Ted Rall, President of France

Ted Rall, cartoonist, columnist & author of After We Kill You, We Will Welcome You Back as Honored Guests: Unembedded in Afghanistan explains why he wants to be President of France, via Medium:

The NSA’s tap on Angela Merkel’s phone is one too many

“Yes,” said O’Brien, “we can turn it off. We have that privilege.” — Orwell, 1984

“Spying between friends, that’s just not done.” —Angela Merkel

The government has spied on me since 9/11. And I’m tired of it.

So I’m running for President of France. (Hang on, mes amis. I’ll explain in a minute.)

It’s not the lack of privacy. As a New Yorker, I’m used to that. I’m sick of the loud clicks on my phone and the ridiculous extra voices (“Do you think he can hear me?”). The inordinate volume of dropped calls. Emails that vanish from my inbox and reappear, sometimes in the wrong folder days later — or never. Is it the NSA? Or crappy service from the telecoms who sell them our data?

Well, there is that “Verizon technician” who catches my eye when I catch him working my phone box, runs away and tears off in a white van with government plates.

It’s annoying and insulting. Seriously, assholes — if I were a real terrorist, I wouldn’t use AOL.

Finally, 12 years into the war on terror, I have a solution. A path to a clear phone line (other than sending out 100 faxes at a time). A way to get all my emails the same day they were sent.

Thanks to Dianne Feinstein, I know that I must become a European head of state…

[continues at Medium]


Majestic is gadfly emeritus.

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  • krole13

    Fuck the NSA

    • Anarchy Pony

      They heard that.

      • krole13


  • Jean-Baptiste Joulé

    French are very disgruntled with their current president, it’s a good spot to run for the office.

    • rhetorics_killer

      French are ALWAYS dissatisfied with their current president. Running the office is crude masochism, less the fact it comes with a nice paycheck.