The Onion: Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West

Sadly, a parody. Wouldn’t mind if it was true…

Via The Onion:

WASHINGTON—In a 45-minute video posted on Tibetan websites Thursday, Tsuglag Rinpoche, leader of the Buddhist extremist group Kammaṭṭhāna, threatened to soon inflict a wave of peace and tranquility on the West.

Speaking in front of a nondescript altar surrounded by candles, burning sticks of incense, and a small golden statue of the Buddha, Rinpoche did not specify when or where an assault of profound inner stillness would occur, but stated in no uncertain terms that the fundamentalist Buddhist cell plans to target all Western suffering.

“In the name of the Great Teacher, we will stop at nothing to unleash a firestorm of empathy, compassion, and true selflessness upon the West,” said Rinpoche, adding that all enemies of a freely flowing, unfettered state of mind will be “besieged with pure, everlasting happiness.” “No city will be spared from spiritual harmony. We will bring about the end to all Western pain and anxiety, to all destructive cravings, to all greed, delusion, and misplaced desire. Indeed, we will bring the entire United States to its knees in deep meditation.” Excerpt From Buddhist Extremist Video Threat

11 Comments on "The Onion: Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West"

  1. Anarchy Pony | Nov 22, 2013 at 12:06 am |

    Love the imagery evoked by unleashing tranquility.

  2. “No city will be spared from spiritual harmony.” Poor emo’s wont know what hit-em

  3. Rhoid Rager | Nov 22, 2013 at 2:12 am |

    Knowing the world as illusion would be a complete mind fuck to many. The kind of introspection that logically follows from pursuing the 8-fold path would likely lead to mass hermeticism.

    • It would ruin economies and capitalism would collapse overnight.

      The article is right, those still-minded monsters must be stopped!

    • RealLayer | Nov 22, 2013 at 8:29 am |

      Samsara is goooood business.

  4. now that I’m enlightened I’m just as miserable as ever

    • Calypso_1 | Nov 22, 2013 at 11:46 am |

      Before enlightenment – chop wood, carry water.
      After enlightenment – chop wood, carry water.

      • after the fall of the berlin wall
        i visited friends in massachusetts
        power and its pumps had failed
        a frozen stream remained outside
        a hearth remained inside
        chop water, carry wood

  5. bring. it. on…..

  6. DeepCough | Nov 22, 2013 at 9:42 pm |

    “You know what a Buddhist fundamentalist would do? Nothing!”
    ~Robin Williams

  7. VaudeVillain | Nov 23, 2013 at 12:55 am |

    While I appreciate the thought… Buddhist fundamentalists are a real thing, and they make for a lousy punchline.

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