Satan’s Toy Box

Turmoil in a ToyboxThis crazy video features an insane look back on the toys and cartoons of the 1980’s by a couple of confused evangelical Christians who see the Devil in every detail. Author Phil Phillips and Pastor Gary Greenwald would be just a couple of bumbling buffoons if their brand of humorless hysteria hadn’t been part of a bigger trend that lead to the “Satanic Panic” of that era — a time when hundreds of unsubstantiated cases of so-called Satanic ritual abuse were reported around the United States.

The good people at i09 published a short version of this video. Here are some of their favorite bits:

• Dungeons & Dragons “game pieces” scream when you set them on fire!

• “It’s called necromology.”

• Darth looks “almost exactly” like the Norse god Odin

• Smurfs are blue with black lips… just like corpses.

• “There’s a form of witchcraft [in Star Wars] called ‘Obi witchcraft.'” Obi obi obi!

It’s all in good fun kids until you draw a direct line from a pastor obsessed with zombie Smurfs to the convictions of the West Memphis 3. Be careful when you see the Devil that you do not see him in a mirror.

There is a sevenish minute version of this floating around on the net. Here is the the full 90 minutes plus:

Stay Awake!

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  • Juan

    Classic projection with hilarious results:)

    • TheLie

      So the conviction of the West Memphis Three is…hilarious?

      • Juan

        Lighten up, Francis. Freaked out xtians seeing the devil everywhere is hilarious, to me.
        Unfair convictions are obviously not funny, geez.

        • Matt Staggs

          “Won’t someone please think of the children?”

    • Joe Nolan


  • Anarchy Pony

    Absolutely epic fuckin’ lulz. Especially the Obi witchcraft.

    • Joe Nolan

      I like the Darth looks like Odin mash-up

  • emperorreagan

    I was pretty excited when they were showing the 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo, but then they cut back to the creepy child molester lookin’ guys.

    • emperorreagan

      Oh, wait, back to Scooby Doo!

      • emperorreagan

        Shit. Child molesters again. “The lord directed me to go on a 14 day fast so I went in a toy store!”

        I went on a 24 hour fast and broke it with Guinness in honor of my favorite deity.

        • emperorreagan

          I wonder if they put all those toys in their white van after the show and drove down to the local elementary school.

          • emperorreagan

            If only I had started watching earlier in the day, I could have live blogged the whole thing instead of working.

          • Joe Nolan

            I think I have a sense for how that might have gone :) Glad you’re enjoying the post. The short clip at i09 was hilarious, but there is so much more to love in this biggie size

          • emperorreagan

            It’s one stop shopping for mocking creepy evangelicals and nostalgia about things I loved as a kid.

  • Daniel Gill

    Shit I learned a lot of cool occult stuff from that documentary. Thanks, Christians!

    • Simon Valentine

      Daniel ftw

  • DeepCough

    Not only is He-Man stronger than Jesus Christ, it has been scientifically proven

    that he can kick the shit out of Lion-O from the Thundercats, too.


    • Anarchy Pony

      Best death battle? Rainbow Dash beats Starscream.

      • Jin The Ninja

        oh brony, here comes trouble.

      • DeepCough

        Bitch, please, anyone can beat Starscream.

        • Anarchy Pony

          Alright, a fair point.

  • InfvoCuernos

    Its a good there are soldiers of God like these two, otherwise who would be brave enough to get up on tv in front of literally dozens of viewers and just talk out your ass about stuff you have no real clue about? I’d like to see a “Where are they now?” on Gary here.

    • InfvoCuernos

      Would you believe this asshat still -!STILL! – has a ministry and an online presence?!?! How is this possible? Unbelievable. Proof that God’s away on business.

      • Joe Nolan

        The blonde “author” is the one who really rubs me the wrong way. He reeks of that special self-righteousness that’s reserved for the true believers

    • Misti McClure

      I had the same thought…I considered looking into what they’ve done since this.

  • echar

    “the demonstration of God’s power”


  • Haystack

    If only we had listened back then, we would not now be living in a nightmarish dystopia of gay marriage and black presidents.

    • WiredPixel

      Whoa. I get the gay marriage part, but what’s with the racism?

  • trompe l’oiel

    Yea, The bible doesn’t really mention imagination very much.

  • BrianApocalypse

    Let these men and their ilk flail in confusion! We know these things for what they really are.

    Operation Mindfuck level 1.

    Fuck the pinkos!