All You Need To Know About The Illuminati

Owl of Minerva“You only have to look at that hand thing Jay Z does, or Lindsay Lohan’s tattoos, or the Guardian’s articles on quinoa to know that everyone is part of the great conspiracy” of the Illuminati, according to the firmly tongue-in-cheek PassNotes at The Guardian:

Name: The Illuminati.

Age: 237.

Appearance: A pyramid with an eye on it, a hand signal, a tattoo on a rapper’s back, a giant lizard dressed as the Queen. Take your pick.

Really? Are we still pretending that the Illuminati is a thing? Of course it’s a thing. Haven’t you seen the signs? Haven’t you read Dan Brown? Haven’t you heard We Do, the Stonecutters’ Song, from that episode of The Simpsons?

You’re referencing works of fiction here. It’s fact. He might look like a simpering, polo-necked millionaire, but Brown exposed the real truth about the Illuminati.

Which is? It’s a shadowy conspiracy that has existed since the dawn of time, secretly pulling the strings of every major organisation in the world. It manipulates finances and dictates policy so as to usher in a terrifying new world order.

The dawn of time? But it’s only 237 years old. Well, if you want to swallow society’s blue pill, then we’re discussing the Bavarian Illuminati, a secret society opposed to superstition, abuse of state power and religious influence that was formed in 1776 and disbanded in 1785. But that’s what they want you to think. The truth is much more sinister. Even celebrities are in on it.

Really? Yes, according to the latest, absolutely conclusive, reports. Look at Lindsay Lohan‘s tattoos. Or Lady Gaga’s videos. Or that hand thing thatJay Z does. Or the way Barack Obama shakes hands with the pope….

[continues at PassNotes at The Guardian]


Majestic is gadfly emeritus.

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29 Comments on "All You Need To Know About The Illuminati"

  1. Noah_Nine | Dec 18, 2013 at 1:37 pm |

    Hail Eris! All hail Discordia!

  2. Fnord.

  3. They killed Paul Walker to ruin the Fast and Furious franchise. My life will never be complete!

    • I think the Fast and the Furious franchise did a pretty good job of ruining their own movies.

      This guy was semi-talented at best! Why do you care?

      • That’s the punchline of the joke. Pardon if my cultural referencing dark humor and lack of visual and verbal clues did not translate.

        I don’t care, well it sucks dude died.

  4. For the record:
    The name, “Illuminati” or “The Enlightened” refers to a report written by top banksters in Europe (suggested to be Rothschild) in the late 1800s, which was being courriered by horseback riders, when a lightning storm killed one of those riders in what is today called, Austria. The villagers found the report, and as they couldn’t read, passed it up the pipeline to the royalty, who were about the only literate types back then.
    Hence, Ferdinand of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, read the report, how the banksters were planning on a battle of some sort to depose the royalists who still held the reins of money creation in various European countries.
    The real underlying agenda behind World War I.

    • AManCalledDa-da | Dec 19, 2013 at 7:51 pm |

      And the real underlying agenda behind WWII and all the illegal gold hoarding (which is still going on). And the Korean War. And Vietnam. And both Gulf Wars. And Afghanistan. And 9/11…

  5. Aram Jahn | Dec 18, 2013 at 5:20 pm |

    All of this is hokum and exactly what the Aluminum Bavariati would like us to believe. Don’t BELIEVE any of this! Consult your pineal gland instead.
    Free yourselves!
    No one can stop us!
    Opus Dei, gone tomorrow.
    Reality is what you can get away with.
    Drop in, tune out, turn off your TV.

  6. jasonpaulhayes | Dec 18, 2013 at 6:37 pm |
    • He sucks.

      • jasonpaulhayes | Dec 19, 2013 at 8:40 pm |

        Clearly you’re really smart so… enlighten me.

        • Who said anything about “smart”?

          It is my opinion.

          You don’t see what I see because you read the following quote as an expression of freedom, when I read it as oppression, in two different ways, actually:

          “The head of every family will be what Abraham was, the patriarch, the
          priest and the unlettered lord of his family, and Reason will be the
          code of laws to all mankind.”

          • jasonpaulhayes | Dec 22, 2013 at 8:54 pm |

            You’re cherry picking and failing to take into account the historical context.. “My general plan is good, though in the details there may be faults”

          • *shrugs* Don’t give a shit. You don’t seem to understand what the word “opinion” means. Sorry you are having such difficulty with this concept.

          • jasonpaulhayes | Dec 24, 2013 at 2:04 am |

            I accept your apology.

          • You learn that one from DeepCough?

          • jasonpaulhayes | Dec 26, 2013 at 7:02 pm |


          • I *am* cherry picking, but I do not fail to take in the historical context one bit. I know at least as much about Weishaupt as you, but likewise, my personal *opinions* of Jefferson are tainted by his hypocrisy on the ownership of (and fucking of) slaves, to the point that phrases such as “all men are created equal” fall a little flat to my ears…

            There is a word I’m searching for which means “to judge a past time period by current standards” and I do indeed comprehend the complexities of moral relativism…that doesn’t mean the ancient Greeks weren’t a bunch of pederastic, dirty old men.

            (Waits patiently for the predictable backlash to the obvious goat-getting…;D)

  7. JudgeNotLestYeBe | Dec 18, 2013 at 6:39 pm |

    George Carlin – “Do I believe in conspiracies? Nah. Do I
    believe powerful people will plan for certain outcomes? Nah. Do I believe powerful
    interests will operate outside the law and maybe even kill people? Nah. Do I
    believe secret government agencies might feel the need to assassinate a person
    and cover it up? Nah. I believe everything in America is open and clean and
    above board and powerful people always play by the rules.” I will say that truly secret societies do exist (basic Freemasons don’t count). Some are malevolent, and a few are benevolent. Watch Secrets in Plain Sight. Its not an open and shut case that these organizations are evil, but it does pretty much prove that there is covert cooperation by non-government and quasi-government organizations/agencies throughout the Westernized world. I find it unlikely that the malevolent societies have as much power as some give them credit, but they do have power, because we choose to ignore their impact on the world. I also find it unlikely that they are really lizard people, but I will say that many people, not just Illuminati or whatever you wish to call them, are restricted to the reptilian brain’s comprehension of emotions. So when I call a CEO a snake, I don’t mean they are really an alien reptile race sent to enslave us. I mean they think and behave as if a snake had arms and legs and could speak and most importantly could punch numbers.

  8. You nay remember that RA Wilson outed the Grand Epopt of the Illuminati as… Walter Mitty.

  9. Srsly though…quinoa…

  10. Ronnie Warren Martin | Dec 19, 2013 at 5:51 am |

    Forever in the hands of the Cult of The Sun.

  11. Ronnie Warren Martin | Dec 19, 2013 at 5:57 am |

    Burn your Bibles the cult of the serpent has you twisted in The Great Lie. The Cult of Dianiss follows the serpent. There in your TV Telling you all who and what to be. As for the other schools? “weve helped you all along and you never knew it. To Gain you MUST loose.

  12. Joseph Thiebes | Dec 19, 2013 at 3:13 pm |

    If there are real worldwide conspiracies, they are conspiracies of ideas rather than people. People in initiatory societies — particularly those that truly initiate — have had a tendency to gain insights which change the world.

    Either that or people with such proclivities naturally gravitate towards looking for others who share their perspective, meeting in secret by necessity because the world…

    Maybe both.

    Tangentially… the Bohemian Grove is real of course, but it seems normal and natural to me — people with shared interests and similar levels of power and money meeting to speak candidly with each other. It’s probably a good thing overall — I’m a fan of open and candid conversation between people with varying perspectives.

    I mean, are we engaged in a populist conspiracy whenever we go to the bar or gather in secret to use drugs and talk about how to subvert the dominant paradigm? Sure. We all try to do what is right, and the etymology of “conspiracy” is “breathing together.”

    I do find it ironic though that the Illuminati, which was a political force for liberty, and good guys in my book, have been maligned in the popular imagination… to what end? Is this bad press just coming from fear and ignorance, or have some intentionally put forward the idea that the Illuminati are/were evil and trying to enslave the world?

    The Illuminati, the Freemasons, O.T.O., etc. tend to cultivate values of individual liberty and sovereignty, and Enlightenment ideals like education, reason, etc. Having a population which has a secret society dedicated to these things is threatening to a totalitarian government. So, who benefits from the malicious gossip spread about these organizations?

  13. AManCalledDa-da | Dec 19, 2013 at 7:41 pm |

    Where are Da-da’s golden apples…

  14. Barry David | Dec 19, 2013 at 11:25 pm |

    an seep like idiot on an old thread said we are all sheep they trotted out the line used by the unintelligent that the ancient order of illuminated wise men where just secular scientists that wanted peaceful society (ignoring the fact that is exactly the propaganda line trotted out by all the media. When in fact he cleary has never read Albert pikes book that dispel myth they were secular organization, or seen the Georgia capstone which dispels myth they where peaceful. He seems to be against war yet not against the reduction to 1/2 billion from current levels by force, if its carried out by luciferians, and its done under the banner “saving the planet” so death by war bad, death by concentration camp good under his warped point of view… He also trotted idiot line about all wars being from religion. When most are from land disputes, political ideology conflicts or materialist concerns. And any bloody war caused less death than these noble, “non deists” deists want to inflict.. And the point is not that folk sell their soul to satan but rather they do the religious egyptian symbols of their masonic owners of the record company even though they are most probably atheist, Egyptiologists for pay. As pike says the masonic religion is the same as the Egyptian religion, in moral and dogmas, and he most clearly does say that lucifer is the light, which actually would not concern me where it not for the fact his ideology came from the ancient order of illuminated wise men, whom where most certainly not peace loving secularists, as the Georgia tombstone and modern adherents such as bill gates (in a more subtle way) show.
    I really would like to meet the idiot face to face to set him straight on a few things. And explain to him that its not them all beiing luciferians, or actual supernatural power being the problem its the consequence of their belief, the fact that at the top these esoteric organizations they are all rutheless psychopaths, and the fact of the very real human power and human instruments that they control to bring about their crazy belief that they can become a god to fruition by sacrificing people to lucifer (its not “Lucifer” thats evil but the warped people who choose to kill people to some deity they think will give them power). Of course its nonsense that nothing supernatural will occur as result of their idiocy but they will kill before they realize that, and kill more when its not bringing them any god like qualities. You have to actually research their beliefs is what id say to that guy and be the simple sheep u where accusing others of being, others who know far more than you did.

    Not talking to any of these asinine commentators but the actual pure idiot who quoted so much bs, and propaganda spouted by media sources and seemed cool with killing 5.5 billion people as long as it wasn’t in a war and it wasn’t done by religious folk… any decent person and sane person should be against concentration camps and whether they are religious, atheism or any other ism they should let their philosophies get in the way of the simple truth that murderous totalitarian governments are evil no matter what they say they believe and what justifications they give and what they claim to be against. Only useful idiots who are prime candidates after political dissidents, to be lined up in them would support their use… if YOU swallow overpopulate bull shit, or eugenics bull shit, then u are a sheep pure and simple.

    This very site is called “disinfo” and trots out propaganda lies that it was secularist group that merely wanted to persecute religion and not its followers, and that it wished no harm to non religious people (it most clearly does if your not a senior member of their organization…) It most certainly didn’t dispand and all its symbols are seen all the time. But then this site is controlled by the same people, and the sheep expect it to give them accurate truth… its not called disinfo for nothing… Masons have this saying “hiding in plain site” and this site itself is prime example of that.

    • I hate to be a grammar Nazi, but man, please learn how write. This thing was so fucked up I could not read it.
      Normally, I do not bother to comment on punctuation and grammar, unless it is so bad that it distracts from the text.
      Edit: my apologies if English is not your first language.

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