Rich Kid Kills Four Pedestrians While Driving Drunk And Gets Probation Because of ‘Affluenza’

roflbot(4)If for some inexplicable reason you didn’t think that America had two justice systems – one for the rich and one for everyone else – then this should cure you of that delusion:

Via Time:

For most people, conviction for vehicular manslaughter due to drunk driving warrants a lengthy sentence, but not in the case of Ethan Couch, a wealthy young man from the state of Texas.

The Keller, Tex., 16-year-old has a rare condition that a judge believes is best remedied with anything but dealing with the consequences for causing a DWI wreck that killed four people, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram reported.

Couch suffers from “affluenza,” according to his lawyers, a term which means that his wealthy parents pretty much let him get away with everything. The defense saved him from a 20-year sentence; State District Judge Jean Boyd bought it at his sentencing on Tuesday and gave Couch probation instead.

“He never learned that sometimes you don’t get your way,” Gary Miller, a psychologist assigned to Couch said in court. “He had the cars and he had the money. He had freedoms that no young man would be able to handle.”

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  • http://www.leroysatan.podomatic.com D34nS

    Later on, the boy’s Dad gave the Judge a “hand job”.

  • rebekah stone

    Next up, the “povertosis” defense.

  • Apathesis

    An incredibly ironic sentence.

  • echar

    Poor rich kids can’t get the treatment he needs. Unlike all the other people who get thrown into a system that is frequently a gigantic scam.

  • Anarchy Pony

    The cure is over there, up against that long, bloody and pockmarked wall.

    • Simon Valentine

      the Black Adder scene READYAIMFIRE comes to mind

  • Simon Valentine

    nah mate in Texas they just expect arie’buddy to look at it backwards and shit. but not at the same time uh’course. you gotta understand that there aint a whole lotta ways to tell them rich folk they been doin it wrong for so many years, ya see, without double cross’n some good people. so, if’n ye be handed the opportune notice to make public example of nigh-on dishonerable rich folk, well, ye do so. ye weren’t the parent nor there be any law against parenting – people aint property no more, so, can’t be treat’n it like it’s a case of non or misfeasance. nor be the ways of drawns and quarter’ns, or duals, or really any of the old ways, no more. remember?

    *edit* now me see i been here take’n advantage of various facts of discourse in that no one always render unto me comprehension or belief, and as i don’t require such, it seems once again i dun my duty whether ye knoweth me nor it nor not if otherwise etc. now what say ye to using this here shotgun of ours to mow off some ‘uh them poppy plants o’er yonder?

    • Simon Valentine

      blah blah mumble mumble Korn

    • Alain Bos

      Ey , you might say I’m picking up that shooter and pointing it at a lot of people !
      There ain’t no doubt that you understand a thing or two , but to not admit that you are wrong is cowardly and not worthy to be a God-fearing human at all…
      You might smite me with manipulated corn cause you sue as hell wasn’t gonna eat it !! Sticks and stones Simon , If you are really not rich, why do you support them so completely and even trying to give those oppressors of truth a free pass into never never land ? As you clearly do not remember me I guess there is no way to make you possess common sense and to grow along side those trying to make this live one worth fighting for.. You do not fight, you hide … The one who is so full of fear that he’s unsure where he is , he is the one you should help , not bury further into the ground !! He’s sick and that part eludes you cause your vision hasn’t gotten any real view of him. You only see us the ones that truly care about justice and fairness for all that is Mother & Father. Try and learn the way the world is and hope that it will be soon known by all… May God have mercy on all our souls !!

      • Simon Valentine

        i’m just a stick can be used to prop a head down or up, so don’t use me or him to prop them up if’n be that’s the case that should. the irony and outright crime of “there not being a whole lot of ways” to deal with [sic] is that …

        what, exactly?
        when all court is kangaroo and all decisions are already made as if the omniscience had handed its knight the word, what, exactly?
        one could think backwards to see some cowardice where there is none, and vice-versa. same with crime. i don’t choose the fracking judgments, charges, lives, visions, angles, sticks, or anything. the point is that if it’s the case that what i’ve said reveals something about truth and character then it’s something that should have been or should be taken into account.

        the right to be forced to listen to bullshit, lies, and criminal enterprise – that’s something that exists in the world people are born into. if you think i know more about how to have the truth that’s so entirely against that instead of one of a number of semi-successful failures all flightingly lovinginly recalled from the past or the present or even the future, you’d have to know to ask, wouldn’t you? you don’t. no one does. i’m not jonah or nero. earth is dead, not dying. what can you ask about it?

  • jasonpaulhayes

    I can’t wait for Texas to secede from the union and then be taken overnight by Mexico.

    • gustave courbet

      Come visit Austin before you throw us to the wolves.

      • jasonpaulhayes

        “Tongue In Cheek”… Viva Tejas !

      • Andrew

        I think Austinians’ refugee applications should be automatically accepted.

    • marshall

      Mexicans love Texas more than Mexico, I don’t think that is happening anytime soon.

  • sgodt chumbucket

    i suppose another way of putting it, depending on whom you might ask, is that he Earned that probation due to a Lifetime of Hard Work

  • sgodt chumbucket

    i suppose another way of putting it, depending on whom you might ask, is that he Earned that probation due to a Lifetime of Hard Work

  • Oginikwe

    Since it’s been established that his parents are responsible for this, civil wrongful death lawsuits sure would go along way in helping them see the need to correct his behavior. The loss of $20-30 million would do them good.

    • Justin_Khase

      With the forthcoming lawsuits mom and dad will wish they’d left his *** in the cooler…

  • Andrew

    For a moment I misread the headline as “Rich Kid Kills Four Proletarians While Driving Drunk…”

    • Woobniggurath

      Misread?

    • Alain Bos

      yeah, and he hated them freeloaders that never contribute to further his wealth so he hit them with his car….
      Yeah , that would be completely BONKERS and than we would have had no other choice than to say : I’ve lost this battle and even though some may have hop YOU, MASA are the one winning…
      But thank G. that such play was never true and the word you read only looked like the word actually written :………… pedestrians !
      But I can see you would be struck by fear or 1000 questions or just speechless…
      .

      • Woobniggurath

        Yeah.

  • Diana Davis Rumbold

    Perhaps a long stay as a quest of the State of Texas Correctional System would make up for his parents’ lack of parenting skill …

  • JustWatching

    French had the same problem, started the solution in 1789, peaked in 1793. Guillotines still work.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Time to buy shares in amalgamated guillotine…

      • InfvoCuernos

        Does Acme make a guillotine?

        • Anarchy Pony

          Sure, but they don’t have much market share, primarily just the southwest.

          • alizardx

            Self-inflicted. Acme hired some bird-brain as CTO, their site is never up. Only a problem because I really want one of those portable holes.

  • http://pneumerology.com/ pneumerology

    What’d he get for stealing the beer?

    • InfvoCuernos

      drunk

  • Rhoid Rager

    Why not? 30 years from now he’ll be copying his parents empoverishing your children with complete impunity.

  • flabergasted

    I wish this site would elaborate more on its stories. One more paragraugh would do. Unless I’m completey missing its “Onioness”. ??

    • Matt Staggs

      Just look for the “read more” link to read the article that we excerpted it from.

  • Tishamingo

    “I know the world’s been shaved by a drunken barber” Walter Brennan’s character in Meet John Doe
    Tishamingo aka; Ittabena
    Im back

  • Len

    This story is from the Onion News, right?

  • Jeremy Kirn

    Have you seen the ski resort/spa (rehab facility) that his parents are paying $450,000 a year for him to stay in??

  • sgtdoom

    Who was that rich guy who drank himself to an early death (in his 50s) over in the U.K. awhile back? He was a member of that Texas oil family and was kidnapped by an Italian gang when he was a kid, and they chopped off one of his ears, which evidently devastated this rich kid for the remainder of his life.

    Maybe they should just chop off both this punk’s ears?

  • VaudeVillain

    He sounds like precisely the sort of person for whom a prison term is precisely the correct solution. He is not committing crimes because he has no other option, he is doing it because he is bored, inconsiderate, and does not understand what consequences are.

    Oh justice system, when will you learn how people work and start sentencing appropriately? Why is this so hard?

  • DeepCough

    Aw, c’mon, naow, he’s a good ol’ (rich) boy, he don’t mean no harm.

  • Austin

    The parents, judge and son should all be forced into taking a vow of poverty. This is absolutely and utterly a disgrace to civilization.

  • alizardx

    A Texas judge can look forward to a far better retirement than his tax-funded pension and investment portfolio would have gotten him.

  • Alain Bos

    :-) I was just about to say, if this were France there would be going to come a payday … The judge may count his luck that he lives in the US which at the moment has a blind spot in their eyes… Still I consider America to be my best friend and she is going through a rough patch… I feel for all colors awake and asleep for they think they stand alone in the world.. It’s just a little mistake that we can bear , for us there’s only one way to go and we will carry any weight given that gets us to where we are now – a state that’s controlled by sheer magic of moments all strung in to one big lifeline we all can climb… Namaste everyone ..

  • Connie England

    the real problem here is the justice system that let him go…they are more to blame than the kid and his parents.