#EatCelebrityMeat (Made from Jennifer Lawrence, Kanye West, James Franco and Ellen DeGeneres)

Salami akaAssuming it’s not an elaborate hoax, would you eat a salami made from lab-grown meat grown from tissue from the likes of Jennifer Lawrence, Kanye West, James Franco and Ellen DeGeneres? Apparently there are people clamoring for this dubious sounding product from BiteLabs, which says of itself:

BiteLabs produces fine artisanal salami from meat that has been lab-grown from celebrity tissue samples.

In 1931, Winston Churchill predicted a future in which all the world’s meat would be grown in labs; what, he asked, was the sense in raising a whole chicken merely for the sake of its wings or breast meat?

Today, In-Vitro meat production is close to becoming a reality, offering highly controllable meat production without the animal cruelty, waste, and environmental impacts of industrial farming. But this process can offer so much more than replicas of beef and pork.

Imagine meat like never before.

The process begins with myosatellite cells, which are obtained via biopsy. These are a particular type of stem cell found in adult muscle that function to repair and regrow damaged muscle. Isolating a sample of these cells provides a base that can grow into as much meat as required.

In order to produce meat in volume, we allow the myosatellite cells to multiply in a growth medium. The medium functions as a sort of artificial ‘blood,’ providing the cells with nutrients and growth factors. The stem cells must not only multiply, but also develop into actual muscle — but this occurs as a matter of course, being the primary purpose of the stem cells in the first place.

To become meat not only in cell type but in texture and structure as well, the fledgling muscle cells are attached over a sugar support. This not only provides a structure for muscle to grow over, but also creates channels for growth medium to flow through, much like veins. At this point the growth process has moved into the bioreactors, where directional stimulation of the muscles makes them mature and become stronger.

When fully grown, these muscle pieces are combined and ground to the desired consistency. It is at this point that we mix different types of meats, according to the specific recipes for each of our products. Spices, fats, and oils are mixed in to flavor and adjust the consistency of the meat blends.

The ground meat is now stuffed into casings and given a final seasoning. We then dry, age, and cure our salamis in a traditional low temperature environment before packaging them for distribution…

Is this the future of food in a celebrity-obsessed culture?


Majestic is gadfly emeritus.

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22 Comments on "#EatCelebrityMeat (Made from Jennifer Lawrence, Kanye West, James Franco and Ellen DeGeneres)"

  1. “I don’t like being human, if that makes sense…” — Blondie Bennett

  2. Littlemisteramerica | Feb 28, 2014 at 3:14 pm |

    Bring me the heads of Bush, Cheney, Obama, and Bernanke on a plate; turducken style.

  3. Thurlow Weed | Feb 28, 2014 at 3:17 pm |

    That’s messed up. No. Abort.

  4. I’m most definitely down with this. I’ll take a Chaplin and Burt Bacharach sandwich please, with a side of Sid Caesar. Thanks.

  5. BuzzCoastin | Feb 28, 2014 at 3:41 pm |

    how christian

    “Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For My flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed. He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him. As the living Father sent Me, and I live because of the Father, so he who feeds on Me will live because of Me. This is the bread which came down from heaven; not as your fathers ate the manna, and are dead. He who eats this bread will live forever.” godspell of john

  6. Gjallarbru | Feb 28, 2014 at 3:52 pm |

    Well, the idea of having meat without animal cruelty seems appealing. In that respect, if the prices are competitive, or will be, I think lab grown meats could have a future. I could even see myself eating that.

    The idea of eating celebrities is less interesting. I don’t know what could compel you to actually request such things. But then, if the samples were freely given, there’s nothing morally wrong about it.

    So I’ll wait for meats from animal tissue samples, but hey if you prefer celebmeat, whatever floats your boat.

  7. InfvoCuernos | Feb 28, 2014 at 4:12 pm |

    This ought to go over well with the anti-GMO crowd. This does not seem like a good idea. at all.

    • BuzzCoastin | Feb 28, 2014 at 4:17 pm |

      it’s a lot more eco friendly than gmo
      rich vegans are all over the idea
      not celb meat of course
      maybe Kobe Bryant beefs

  8. BuzzCoastin | Feb 28, 2014 at 4:12 pm |

    I doubt I get to eat some hot celebrity babe anytime soon
    but the process described is legit
    it’s being developed as vegan meat
    some Sillycon Valley bucksters
    just dumped some big cash into it

  9. jasonpaulhayes | Feb 28, 2014 at 4:51 pm |

    Are we not already consuming each other?


  10. I do not want to eat any of these people, in any form.

    • What are you, some kinda fuckin’ vegan? If they’re making celebrity salami, can Kevin Bacon be far behind?

  11. AManCalledDa-da | Feb 28, 2014 at 7:32 pm |

    Hang on, Da-da can’t stop vomiting…

  12. terrasodium | Mar 1, 2014 at 7:03 pm |

    soylent green is…… ah fuck it , you want fries with that?

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