Douchebag Megachurch Pastor Pays Over 200 Grand to Get His Book on the NYT Bestseller List For One Week

markdriscollIf you live in Seattle, you’re probably at least somewhat familiar with the antics of uber-douche “spiritual leader” Mark Driscoll, as his over the top douchebaggery is pretty much impossible to ignore around here. For those not in the know, he’s become rather famous by marketing a supposedly hip brand of Christianity (Christian rock can totally be a part of a church service dude!) to a younger demographic.

The problem is that his hip new faith embraces the same misogynist homophobia that most other conservative parishes in the Bible Belt embrace wholeheartedly. Women are not allowed to be a part of the clergy and are continually lectured in regards to the importance of submitting to their husband’s will. Being gay or getting an abortion will land you in hell. In fact, one of the weird things about Driscoll is that he somehow claims to know EXACTLY what God allows and doesn’t allow sexually. Right down to the letter (read more here). If you’ve never read that link, I highly recommend perusing it but I can sum up the gist for you in one sentence: only heterosexual sex between married people is acceptable in God’s eyes. What I’ve always found interesting about this fatty is that he never seems to explain how he gained access to this sacred sexual knowledge. Shit’s not in the Bible.

The guy’s a magnet for controversy by his own intentions, but this transgression is particularly heinous. That’s right, King Douche of the Douche Brigade paid over 200 grand in church money to get his book on the New York Times bestseller list…for one week (read the whole article here).

“The report claims that Mars Hill paid for 11,000 books at the tune of between $18.62 and $20.70 each, adding up to a total of $123,600 for books bought by individuals and $93,100 for books bought in bulk. Despite the church saying that the “true cost” was “much less,” the actual amount was not revealed in Mars Hill’s response.

“The purpose of this instruction appears to be a way to outsmart systems put in place by The New York Times and other list compilers to prevent authors from buying their way onto best-seller lists,”World initially reported. “Result Source apparently uses other techniques to work around the safeguards of the best-seller lists.”

Good God. There are so many things wrong with this I don’t even know where to start. First off, this is a man claiming to be a spiritual leader who is so obsessed with worldly fame that rather than spending his paritioner’s money to help the poor (what the biblical Jesus would do) he instead spent it just so he could put the title “New York Times Best Selling Author” on his next book jacket. That’s a lot of fucking scratch to attain that title on a technicality. Also, that’s some pretty satanic shit. I give it an Occult rating of five out of five upside down pentagrams, but what’s even creepier is how he went about doing this i.e. by hiring a firm to buy his own books. Of course, we should know that there are firms out there that you can pay for services like this (just like you should know that half the shit trending on Twitter or covered on Pitchfork/Noisey were bought and paid for in some manner), but seeing the way this scam actually works is beyond unnerving. So, you basically give a company a ton of money to buy your own books and create an elaborate subterfuge to make it look like it’s not you buying them. Soooo skeeezy, and I love the way his church defends his actions after he got caught: “It’s not uncommon or illegal”. I’m fairly sure that’s exactly what the money changers told Christ when he thrashed their temple. Way to take the moral high ground there dickbag.

Ultimately though, every time I get annoyed with Driscoll I have to remind myself that there are actually several other megachurches in my area that are just as successful and actually often even more socially regressive than his Mars Hill parish. I just can’t even name them because they’re not media whores on the level that he is. Even in the land of legal weed and gay marriage (also the most corrupt tax code in the country, no seriously) this madness is so entrenched into the very fiber of our society it’s unavoidable. Well, I suppose that’s why my unique brand of psychedelic Occultism is going to become increasingly important in the coming Aeon. Not mentioned is whether or not he’ll actually have the audacity to put “New York Times Best Sellling Author” on his follow up, but I’m guessing yes. Just seems to be the way this asshole rolls.


(As always, my real time magick journal is always fucking with your head on Facebook if you friend me)

Thad McKraken

Thad McKraken

Thad McKraken is a psychedelic writer, musician, visual artist, filmmaker, Occultist, and pug enthusiast based out of Seattle. He is the author of the books The Galactic Dialogue: Occult Initiations and Transmissions From Outside of Time, both of which can be picked up on Amazon super cheap.
Thad McKraken

45 Comments on "Douchebag Megachurch Pastor Pays Over 200 Grand to Get His Book on the NYT Bestseller List For One Week"

  1. > Being gay or getting an abortion will land you in hell.

    Which is ridiculous considering gays probably have the lowest abortion rate demographically. God should love them.

  2. The other shit is bad enough, but christian rock. NO!!!

    • Anarchy Pony | Mar 12, 2014 at 1:23 am |

      In the words of Hank Hill; “You’re not making Rock and Roll better, you’re making christianity worse.”

    • Indeed, for Christian rock is an abomination unto The Lord;)

    • PrimateZero | Mar 12, 2014 at 7:28 pm |

      If god is so great, than why does his music suck soooo bad?

      • Many classical works were created for the love of God, or commissioned by religious organizations. Much classical is great. However, Christian rock is an abomination. There are some groups that include Christian themes within their songs that are decent,imo.

        As well as Christians that write music, but are intelligent enough to keep from pigeonholing their music to one target audience. (e.g. U2, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club).

        Recently I came across a Hillsong United. A modern slant on Christian Rock. There’s even a remix album and dubstep remixes. This recalls Christian death metal, or some other forced attempt at luring in the youth towards a dying thought virus.

        The Hillsong United band is a worship band that originated as a part of Hillsong Church.
        The band tours the world, performing at the various Hillsong church
        locations as well as general concert venues. They compose the songs for
        their own performances and for the other Hillsong Church worship teams
        that perform at weekly services. Subsidiary bands perform monthly in
        London and at summer camps sponsored by Hillsong.
        Their song “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” hit number one on the American Billboard Christian Songs chart at the end of 2013.[1] The magazine referred to the band under the name United.

        The band was originally formed by close friends from within the youth
        ministry called “Powerhouse Youth”, led by Hillsong Youth Pastors Phil
        & Lucinda Dooley for many years. As the house band for the
        Powerhouse meetings, they played original songs and rearranged popular
        radio tunes at their weekly meeting for local youth aged 16–25 year
        olds. Band members sometimes also contributed to the larger
        interdenominational ministry Youth Alive Australia and its albums. Most members of the band also attended Hillsong Church services.

        Parents, don’t let your children be lured in by this hypnotic saccharine sound.

  3. emperorreagan | Mar 11, 2014 at 10:44 pm |

    Didn’t the church of scientology (allegedly) buy up tons of Elron’s books over the years to keep those sales numbers up?

    • Wouldn’t doubt it. I’m pretty sure this is a common tactic in conservative circles, as well. They buy this shit up in bulk and hand them out for free at conferences and potlucks.

      • Pat Pinson | Mar 12, 2014 at 5:27 am |

        “in conservative circles”

        Guess who just said “I’m a sheep, I’m a sheep” ?

        If that’s really how your brain functions I pity you.

      • CoffeeNowDammit | Mar 12, 2014 at 6:39 am |

        You are exactly right. Conservative think tanks regularly buy up the copies to skew the numbers, for the same reason this idiot did.

        And modern conservatives generally don’t read books. (Nasty stat from Gallup: only 8% of the American public will finish one this year. I’m willing to bet the number is much smaller in Honey Boo-Boo Land.)

        • Rey d'Tutto | Mar 17, 2014 at 10:57 pm |

          I can’t understand that kind of life, but I guess anyone who doesn’t read would be puzzled as to how I find time to read what I do. I figure 2-3 books a week + a few hours of Internet a day is a little on the slow side of reading, because I have adult concerns now, and can’t read a book a day plus anymore…

          • CoffeeNowDammit | Mar 18, 2014 at 8:02 pm |

            Good for you, sir! And I mean that sincerely. Your kind might just keep what’s left of culture in America afloat. (Depending on what you’re reading of course.)

            I think Gallup mentioned, about 20 years ago, that only 16% of adults read a book cover to cover. It’s hard to believe that these numbers managed to get worse. (Hello, Internet!)

      • Eric_D_Read | Mar 12, 2014 at 10:39 am |

        I’m sure this tactic is used exclusively by Team Red, because Team Blue’s impeccable moral character and commitment to honesty would never allow them to do such a thing.

        • No, you’re right. Happens plenty on the “other side” as well. And, in the case of politicians, those bulk buys amount to thinly veiled campaign “contributions.” The ones that immediately popped to my mind, though, were the likes of Bill O’Reilly, Dick Morris, Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and the rest of the revolving cast at Fox News who all seem to have a book come out per month and constantly hawk their shit on the extended infomercials they call their shows. And those Conservative think tanks that CoffeeNowDammit pointed out are usually operating front and center. My apologies.

      • I’ve heard of truckloads of books going straight from printer to paper recycler, without even the intermediate stage of dollar store bookshelves. Though the usual method is new membership giveaways at places like Conservative Book Club (get these books for free + shipping) or massive discounts over retail through these book clubs.

        Sometimes wonder if anyone ever paid list price for a Ann Coulter or Glenn Beck book. Anyone like to admit to doing that?

        • emperorreagan | Mar 13, 2014 at 9:28 am |

          I think my parents paid list price for a Limbaugh paperback for me when I was 13 or 14.

        • CoffeeNowDammit | Mar 18, 2014 at 8:05 pm |

          The Conservative Book Club still exists? I remember getting junk mail from them over ten years ago. I assumed they just went under.
          Maybe they actually figured out I was a lost cause for a sale. In any event, “well.. huh”.

    • kowalityjesus | Mar 12, 2014 at 5:19 pm |

      I can’t believe nobody has mentioned Obama who did THE EXACT SAME THING, with “Dreams of my Father” just last year. It’s bad enough to want to be artificially esteemed, but to do it with tax dollars? wow.

  4. Thurlow Weed | Mar 12, 2014 at 12:16 am |

    Amazon customer review by Jessica, Seattle, WA:
    “The book is not one of grace, mutual respect, and love. It is a cry for help. Mark appears in every way to meet the criteria for narcissistic personality. He is manipulative and borders on abusive. The book’s primary objective is to hold patriarchy firm in its place, while citing that it is “Biblical” to do so. What about machismo is even remotely Biblical? It takes the beauty and liberty of the gospel and replaces it with bondage. Don’t walk, run from this book. In addition, it is not a true NYT Best seller, just another manipulative ploy. According to World Magazing, “Seattle’s Mars Hill Church paid a California-based marketing company at least $210,000 in 2011 and 2012 to ensure that Real Marriage, a book written by Mark Driscoll, the church’s founding pastor, and his wife Grace, made the New York Times best-seller list.”

  5. trompe l'oiel | Mar 12, 2014 at 1:09 am |

    sounds like his church paid for his best seller status with donations. What a righteous man, buying status… sounds oddly familiar.

    Also, anyone getting marriage advice from the bible is just fighting a losing battle, or they haven’t read a word of the good book.

    also again, anyone condemning anyone else to hell probably already dwells in their own ‘smells like rotten eggs’ reality and is simply trying to acquire an entourage, because misery loves company.

  6. BuzzCoastin | Mar 12, 2014 at 2:49 am |

    Judus was a Christian who was very into money
    and came to a bad end
    in 2 different ways in 2 different gospels
    Jesus attracts some interesting followers

  7. Jonas Planck | Mar 12, 2014 at 6:24 am |

    So that’s how you become a “New York Times Bestselling Author!”
    This explains so many things…

    • kowalityjesus | Mar 12, 2014 at 5:25 pm |

      Why is it *New Jerk Times* Bestseller? Isn’t there an objective number of book sales and rankings that have utterly nothing to do with a newspaper?

      • Jonas Planck | Mar 13, 2014 at 7:17 am |

        I’ve wondered that myself… puplishers only track their own sales, and there doesn’t seem to be any kind of literary council or any organizations devoted to tracking book purchases… you’d think Amazon would have more clout in that regard by now… Mind you, I’ve always squinted my eyes at the argument ad populum: it seems that it’s usually only employed to give false credibility to that which has no credibility in any other capacity than “a lot of people think it!”
        …the majority can be wrong. In fact, they most often are. This is why people like the preacher in question have to spread as much of their poisonous world-view as possible… the more that fall for it, the greater the illusion of legitimacy.

        • kowalityjesus | Mar 13, 2014 at 9:52 am |

          I have perpetually failed to find the corroboration on the inert-net, but I learned in high school that argument ab populum is the very lowest rung of accountability in rhetoric. Argument ab auctoritate is higher, but empirical facts count for more than either.

  8. Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then are shocked and offended to discover that there are other views.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

    • Thurlow Weed | Mar 12, 2014 at 11:43 am |

      Giving a hearing to other views is one thing. Accepting them as better than one’s own is quite another.

    • Are you a sock puppet?

      • Jonas Planck | Mar 13, 2014 at 7:09 am |

        No, sockpuppets have names.

      • kowalityjesus | Mar 13, 2014 at 9:56 am |

        No, just a conservative goaded into shame at his/her views. It is a typical internet phenomenon. For all practical purposes I should be, given my upbringing, very liberal, but I think people today don’t have enough respect for the way things worked, and some uncomfortable truths in human relationships, of yesteryear. Thus, conservatism.

  9. I don’t get upset about these kinds people anymore. Actually, it is very convenient that they announce themselves to all and sundry for what they are. So, thanks. It makes them easy to avoid.
    Another way to look at this, is simply as an indicator of a very low level of consciousness in our society. This clown would not exist if thousands of people did not give him money. He is a symptom of much larger issues. We are sick and delusional. There is much work to be done.

  10. Rus Archer | Mar 12, 2014 at 12:44 pm |

    married hetero sex as the only acceptable sex isn’t in the bible?

    • Matt Staggs | Mar 13, 2014 at 10:11 am |

      Well. That and a lot of incest.

      • And single man / multiple wives permutations.

        Also, Sarah is the definition of a “good Christian woman”, she was gonna let Abraham hit it with another woman for the good of the family.

  11. Weak.

  12. Atremus Kline Coniferious | Mar 12, 2014 at 2:05 pm |

    Conservatives openly embrace greed, corruption, bigotry and war, while Liberals pretend to feel bad about greed, corruption, bigotry and war. See, they really are different.

    • common elements? Neoliberalism, authoritarian followers. “Conservatives” “Liberals” simply convenient labels for marketing demographics which each get their own Coke v Pepsi marketing, to sell neoliberalism that exists only to support elites against the economic interests of each group of authoritarian followers is sold.

  13. Nothing about Christianity should be particularly surprising or shocking if one understands that the Romans swapped the attributes of “Jesus” and “the Devil” when they appropriated that shit.

  14. Who cares.

  15. @Thad_McKraken

    Why don’t you use spell-check before submitting your “articles”?

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