Exposing the Satanic Roots of Energy Drinks

And you thought they only taste bad. The FoodLuminati have you everywhere you turn.

26 Comments on "Exposing the Satanic Roots of Energy Drinks"

  1. Number1Framer | Apr 27, 2014 at 10:20 pm |

    Thanks for the warning. So all these broheads bombin’ around here in jacked up trucks with monster stickers in the back window are actually patrolling for the beast. Does the smokestack behind the cab also release chemtrails?

    • I know it looks like a $50k Show Truck but it’s Farm Equipment. I’m sure if you ask said Bro about it… he has tax records that prove it.

      • Number1Framer | Apr 29, 2014 at 10:19 am |

        I don’t doubt it. Farm subsidies are a huge can of fucking worms that need to be gutted and rewritten to favor people who farm rather than invest.

  2. Damian Caligula | Apr 27, 2014 at 10:36 pm |

    So I guess anytime there’s a stylized M on something, it really means 666. Message received and understood…

  3. BuzzCoastin | Apr 27, 2014 at 10:37 pm |

    if you’re in a Bangkok hotel room
    with 3 hookers and itz 3am
    you need an energy drink
    otherwise its consumerist dumbadatti crap

  4. *heavy lol’ing*

  5. Don’t know about you, but they (or at least two of them) looked more like Zayins (7) than Vav(6)

    So maybe Monster Drink is the ambrosia of God?

  6. Bluebird_of_Fastidiousness | Apr 28, 2014 at 12:33 am |

    This guy is batshit, but those drinks are evil.

  7. New Monkey | Apr 28, 2014 at 5:47 am |

    I think that the,makers of Monster energy drink know full well what they are doing. As to whether that makes them complicit in some batshit sized witchcraft scheme, I think not. What they are doing is tapping into the collective subconscious to sell their fizzy crap, and Carl Jung will be smirking at them from beyond the grave.

  8. Gjallarbru | Apr 28, 2014 at 10:01 am |

    Wait, if I’m not Jewish, why would I care about a friggin Jewish “ve”? Better yet, why would I know about it?

    For someone to accept this, two far fetched things are needed. First, that somewhow Hebrew letters are way better than any other alphabet. Sure, much of magic is heavily influenced by Kabbala, but nobody has ever really made a compelling case why Hebrew is sooo much better. The second thing to accept is that if you couldn’t care less what a “ve” is, that it can still mean something. Hebrew as an alphabet, if you don’t know it it, is certainly not a universal symbol and can’t influence you in any way.

    Of course, try telling that to the rabbi looking dude making the video. I’m sure that if I were to tell him he’s seeing satan in an energy drink only because he’s a Jew, I’ll going to be roundly rejected, while I’m being called anti-semite.

    If energy drinks are evil, it’s because they’re liquid crap, nothing more.

    • The 1/8th of me that is probably Jewish™ has roundly rejected you. Surely if I gave it some time, I could find a ~90 minute video that espouses why Satan™ iz energy drinkzzz.

      IDentity politics for Fun & Profit™

      • Gjallarbru | Apr 28, 2014 at 5:12 pm |

        You forgot to call me anti-semite!

        • I have limits, Jokes don’t
          Jokes have limits, ÿ don’t

          I’ll take words I’d prefer to banish from the NewSpeak™ Vocaburglary for $800, Alex.

    • He’s not seeing Satan in an energy drink because he’s a Jew. He’s seeing it because he’s crazy. Seeing Satan everywhere is an Evangelical Christian thing and 666 is from Revelation, not from the Jewish tradition. This guy is just super confused.

      Oh and I’ll refrain from calling you an anti-semite with the suggestion that if you get called that often you examine why that might be.

      • Gjallarbru | Apr 29, 2014 at 3:04 pm |

        Nah, I have not been called anti-semite once in my life. That was a sideway argument that criticizing Jews isn’t always viewed as just that, being criticism. Perhaps it was in poor taste on my part, but I meant no real harm.

        But I think you missed the point here. I’m saying that if you don’t come from Jewish culture, you’ll never see that “M” as being three “ve”, equivalent to 666. Yes, part of the problem is that he is at least a little nuts, but for the points he made, it is also because he’s Jewish. For the plain crazy, the M might have been something else entirely.

        • Oh, I’m with you that this guy’s warped views are partly informed by his (probably) Jewish background, I’m just pointing out that he’s clearly also taken the Jesus pill and is mostly tripping on that. But I do agree that he could only make sense to those who have tuned in the same random bits of information that he has.
          And I’m glad you’ve only been called an anti-semite once. I’ve been called an Arab-loving Israel-hater on numerous occasions, and I’m as jewy as they come. I apologize if I came off as casting aspersions.

          • Gjallarbru | Apr 29, 2014 at 5:09 pm |

            Damned english as second language. Not once, I never been called anti-semite! 😉 But no worries, written communications is easy to get wonky, so offence taken. I appreciate the appology though, even if it was entirely unnecessary.

            T’ill next time…

          • Oh dear. I misread your post. You got it right the first time!

      • Chad Burke | Apr 30, 2014 at 1:23 am |

        Seeing Satan everywhere is a crazy person thing. Not sure where everybody gets off bashing E.C.s. There are a shitload of them and most of them would give you the shirt off their back because that’s what their religion teaches. Amazing what know it all, hipster douchebags in this country have chosen to throw their hate at. Do you really think the disappearance of God from our lives and the steady decline of our so called civilization are coincidental. When God is gone, there’s noone to answer to.

        • kowalityjesus | Sep 21, 2014 at 1:50 pm |

          Fuckin seriously, it’s the elephant in the room. Whenever I think of stereotypical godless, lost, sycophants I think of Bill Maher’s studio audience.

  9. VaudeVillain | Apr 28, 2014 at 10:48 am |

    It goes much deeper than all that!

    Take the Monster logo and flip it upside down: now you have “LLL” which as everyone knows one “L” is the roman numeral for 50, so we have “50 50 50”. If we then multiply 50 by 6, once for each iteration, we get “300 300 300”. This is absolute, irrefutable proof that Monster Energy drinks are the true puppetmasters behind the film “300” and that they intend for it to be a trilogy.

    But wait! There’s more!

    We all know that “300” is really just an overt puff piece for the homosexual statist agenda, glorifying oiled up men and unthinking loyalty to the military state. This is clear proof of a global conspiracy between the caffeinated beverage industry, the Homosexual Left, Hollywood (which includes both the Homosexual Left and the Jewish Left, obviously), the military, baby oil manufacturers and Satan to create a One World Government modeled on homo-eroticism, constant warfare, stoic fatalism, chemical dependency, Satanic worship and a return to skirts with sandals in men’s fashion.


  10. Hoarfraust | Apr 28, 2014 at 9:07 pm |

    Decisions decisions: evil sugar drink that makes you hyper-for-hell vs invisible man in the clouds who wants you to cut off part of your johnson to cover his own design flaw. I’ll go with neither.

  11. Coffee and tea are safer and less expensive, without the sickening flavor added

Comments are closed.