Short D*ck Man: Napoleon Confirmed To Have Had Tiny Penis

Pic: (PD)

Pic: (PD)

Rumors about Napoleon’s supposed teeny peeny have circulated for years. According to the Independent, the rumors are true, but how would they be able to tell unless it was somehow preserved at full salute? For that matter, are we even sure that this little guy belonged to Napoleon? Did it come with a certifi-dick of authenticity? Oh, speaking of famous phalli, Russian mystic Rasputin’s was supposedly a foot long. Click here for an NSFW pic of what is alleged to be his monster wang.

Via The Independent:

Poor Napoleon. Nearly two centuries after his death, it has been confirmed that the French military and political leader had a “very small” penis, measured at a modest one-and-a-half inches.

In what sounds like a very morbid, yet compelling, new Channel 4 series, Dead Famous DNA aims to find the remains of history’s most famous figures – from Hitler’s hair and Elvis’s DNA to Napoleon and his penis. Presenter Mark Evans travelled to New Jersey to find the artifact, which now belongs to Evan Lattimer – who was given it by his father, a renowned urologist, after it was bought at a Paris auction for $3,000. The relic is known among the Lattimer family as “Napoleon’s Item”.

“Dad believed that urology should be proper and decent and not a joke,” said Lattimer. “It’s very small, but it’s famous for being small. It’s perfect structurally, the university have done X-rays and examinations and it’s obviously what it is.”


Video NSFW

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  • Echar Lailoken

    So the myth of his short stature, is actually a redirect from tales of a small member?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Could be.

    • Dingbert

      He was 5′ 6″. That’s pretty damn short. Rasputin was fairly tall at 6′ 4″.

      • Echar Lailoken

        I read somewhere that his height was average for the time and place.

        • Dingbert

          Yeah, I just looked it up and supposedly that’s the average male height. Tall people have a hard time gauging these things, I guess, since everyone looks short.

    • BuzzCoastin

      you know what thry say about big guys
      big feet

      • Echar Lailoken

        Big shoes?

        • BuzzCoastin

          that too
          reminds me of the guy with a penis the size of a small baby
          joke

  • Anarchy Pony

    One and a half? Flaccid or erect? Cuz if that’s at flaccid then it had room to grow, if that’s at erect then that’s unfortunate. Sheds light on his letters to Josephine referencing cunnilingus though.

  • BuzzCoastin

    Wigger Pa-leazze
    if there’s anything left after all this time
    it musta been huge
    and he obviouly had big balls

    • https://twitter.com/anti_euclidean ÿ

      Truly, a new low for you Buzz.

      I think you may need some time off to spend at the funny farm. At the very least, install an shtick update or two.

  • VaudeVillain

    Freud is dead. Can we give up this ridiculous notion that the only thing that drives men is their penises, yet?

    I, for one, am more than just my sexuality. I can, in fact go more than a few minutes without devoting myself entirely to sexual fantasy, and I even do so on a regular basis. I refuse to be defined solely by what hangs between my legs, and I find the very notion that possession of a penis makes one incapable of behaving without regard for it to be personally offensive and patently ridiculous.

    • Jonas Planck

      Nice humblebrag, but you and I BOTH know that to be treated like a piece of meat, you must first have the capacity to be loved solely for that significant body part, if you get my drift. Some never get to experience that particular indignitiy…. Luckily for me, I’ve transcended the flesh, but not a day goes by that I don’t miss it… old habits die hard, I reckon…

  • https://twitter.com/anti_euclidean ÿ

    Isn’t there some supposed scenario whereby Napolean escaped imprisonment from St. Helena?

    Either way, I sincerely doubt “history” would record the truth.

    I call BS on the chain of custody.

  • Hector James Haddow

    well his short stature turned out to be English propaganda taking full advantage of the fact the imperial system was not universal (5′ 3” in French ft was equal to 5′ 7” in British ft) so I’d take this with a pinch of salt

  • LillTony

    If you want an insightful read, and a really funny poem, about life with a small penis check out http://bit.ly/AntSmithSmallPenis

  • Jonas Planck

    Wait, are you telling me that the shrivelled piece of Vienna sausage they had on display at the Smithsonian was not his actual dinky? I’m shocked, I tell you! Shocked and dismayed!

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