Florida Man Wants To Marry His Computer Because Of Gay Marriage Or Something

PIC: G. Dallarto (C)

PIC: G. Dallarto (C)

Chris Sevier is taking a stand against gay marriage (I think?) by filing a suit to marry his computer.   (I’m assuming that laptop of his doesn’t have any lesbian porn on it. )

via Florida Man Says He Wants to “Marry My Porn Filled Apple Computer” in Federal Gay Marriage Case | New Times Broward-Palm Beach.

Enter Chris Sevier, “a former Judge Advocate and combat veteran” who filed a motion to intervene on the Florida gay marriage case on behalf of “other minority sexual orientation groups.”

In the 24-page document, Sevier says that if gay couples “have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object.”

Which is?

“My porn filled Apple computer,” according to Sevier’s filing.

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I ‘fell in love’ with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

Short on sound legal grounding (and even shorter on wit), Sevier’s filing is obviously an attempt to punk the legal system because he doesn’t agree with gay marriage (as he says in the filing, “sexual orientation” never existed as a classification until President Obama came along to advance his “social agenda to make America a ‘gay nation.'”

Sevier says he’s here to make the courts “put up or shut up” on the equal protection argument upon which the push for gay marriage is based. He obviously thinks his obnoxious argument makes some point.

12 Comments on "Florida Man Wants To Marry His Computer Because Of Gay Marriage Or Something"

  1. Fuck it why not. When that bitch gets old (in 2 years or less at the speed technology advances) and you see the younger hotter better equipped ones and you want a divorce she is going to want some alimony and half of all your shit so momma can buy a new hard drive and new retina display screen and some new RAM to go along with it. Bitches be crazy. Dont say I didn’t tell you so.

    • The trick is to invest in a sexy case; that way you can continue to upgrade the internal hardware.

  2. Hadrian999 | May 7, 2014 at 10:12 pm |

    bad idea, computers get old even faster than women

  3. VaudeVillain | May 7, 2014 at 10:13 pm |

    “He obviously thinks his obnoxious argument makes some point.”

    Technically, he would be correct on this. It doesn’t make the point he presumably wishes it to, but it does make one nonetheless.

    P.S. for those who are feeling a little behind the curve: the point it makes is that he doesn’t understand what consent means, or why marriage equality is an issue, or how sentience works, or what an enormous tool he is.

    • Hadrian999 | May 7, 2014 at 10:26 pm |

      everyone knows equality is just commie fouble speak for ‘I want a hand out”

      • VaudeVillain | May 8, 2014 at 12:50 am |

        Exactly. Stop protesting and get a job you Liberal scum. Don’t Tread On Me (while I’m trying to tread on you)!

  4. Hadrian999 | May 7, 2014 at 10:35 pm |

    if he can marry his computer I’m claiming mine as a dependent

  5. Mr Willow | May 8, 2014 at 12:40 am |

    Just once, I’d like to see Florida in a headline followed by something half-way sensible, reasoned, or decent. Every time I am disappointed…

  6. BuzzCoastin | May 8, 2014 at 3:19 am |

    even Mississippi laughs at your antics

    and why not his computer
    since he’s now legally divorced from his cousin

  7. Adamas Macalz | May 8, 2014 at 12:08 pm |

    I’ll be so glad when we finally make contact with intelligent life. When the people start getting in on with aliens, people complaining about gay marriage will be a thing of the past.

  8. InfvoCuernos | May 8, 2014 at 12:14 pm |

    I don’t see anything wrong here-I’m currently in a threesome with my computer and an iphone-we’re all happy and if you can’t understand that, then you’re just a caveman.

Comments are closed.