The Holy Prepuce

Grigori Rasputin

I just don’t know how to introduce an essay about Christ’s foreskin, known as the Holy Prepuce, so take it away Stassa Edwards at The New Inquiry:

Europe’s history of penis worship was cast aside when the Catholic Church decided Jesus’s foreskin was too potent to control.

Grigori Rasputin’s dick is on display at the Museum of Erotics in Saint Petersburg. Housed in a jar of formaldehyde, the member, which the museum’s owner claims he obtained from a French antiquarian, is quite sizable. Actually, it’s enormous for a human penis: Wide and meaty, it measures about a foot long. According to the museum, just gazing on the preserved member can cure a range of problems, everything from infertility to a humdrum sex life. But the specimen isn’t a human penis. It more than likely came from a horse.

It wouldn’t be the first time something inhuman was passed off as Rasputin’s dick. An earlier version circulated after Rasputin’s 1916 murder, legendary for being long and difficult: an initial failed poisoning, followed by multiple gunshots, a beating, and finally a drowning. Legend has it that in the midst of the horror show the man in charge of the grisly plot, Prince Felix Yusupov, somehow managed to castrate the mad mystic. Rasputin’s penis was supposedly scurried out of the country and ended up in the hands of Russian émigrés in Paris. There, his dick became a kind of religious relic of their vanished homeland, a potent piece of a vanished social order.

According to Rasputin biographer Patte Barham, the émigrés treated it as quasi-sacred, keeping it in a makeshift reliquary and venerating it. The powerful appendage of the dead mystic had strength or reassurance to offer the beleaguered community. By the 1970s, Barham reported that Rasputin’s dick looked like “a blackened, overripe banana, about a foot long, and resting on a velvet cloth.” When Rasputin’s daughter Maria discovered that others were in possession of the only remaining earthly piece of her father, she successfully demanded the member be returned to its rightful heir. It stayed with her until her death in 1977, after which it was confirmed that the relic was actually a sea cucumber.

Horse or sea cucumber, the fantasy of Rasputin’s mystically imbued potency was real enough. Relics are proven false over and over again, yet pilgrims still seek them out, yearning for the blessings the shriveled body parts of long-dead saints can bestow…

[continues at The New Inquiry]


Majestic is gadfly emeritus.

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6 Comments on "The Holy Prepuce"

  1. Chaos_Dynamics | Oct 12, 2014 at 3:12 pm |

    All disinfonauts know jesus was a mushroom.

    • A circumcised mushroom?

      • Chaos_Dynamics | Oct 12, 2014 at 4:19 pm |

        Haha!!! Ok that’s it no more internet for you!

      • Potted Plant | Oct 13, 2014 at 2:00 am |

        The unfolding of the pilleus body and emergence of the stalk from the volva involves exposure to hymenophoral trama as it seperates from the veil resulting in an autogenic circumferential remnant of unsheathing known as the annulus, which is a swath of tissue left hanging from the stalk.

        • Chaos_Dynamics | Oct 13, 2014 at 9:36 am |

          Thus explaining origins of pot head pixies in flying teapots with propeller caps.

          Radio gnome invisible!

    • kowalityjesus | Oct 13, 2014 at 1:07 am |

      I heard your mother was a mushroom.

      The one from 400 million years ago.

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