When Douchebags Go Down: EA Koetting and Marc Driscoll Both Get Their Comeuppance

koettingSome of you might recall that back in June I tossed up a post mocking the Occult practice of self-proclaimed “Living God” EA Koetting. At the time I knew very little about the dude, I just stumbled on some people laughing at him on Facebook. Because of that, I watched his videos and found them unintentionally hilarious and simultaneously irresponsible. Seriously, look at some of the more famous left hand path practitioners and how things have turned out for them in the long term. Crowley became a heroin addict, got really ugly and blew a shitton of his own money on a vanity PR trial he lost, dying mostly penniless. Kenneth Anger alienated the biggest rock bands on the planet and hasn’t made anything worth a damn in how many decades now? Meanwhile Alan Moore and Grant Morrison (who do creepily hate each other for strange reasons) are both mega rich and continue to do brilliant work with zero sign of slowing down anytime soon. Just sayin’.

The weird thing is that I actually felt a tinge of guilt mocking Koetting, but I’m glad I did because I’ve had more people thanking me for that piece than pretty much anything else I’ve done here. Why did I feel bad making fun of him? Well, he seems to be passionate in his pursuit of spiritual knowledge, however misguided, and it’s hard to trash someone for that. As I was ganj-i-tating the night I wrote it (which I talk about on FB constantly, friend me), I was told something to the effect of “he’s such a small fish,” which just illuminates a concept I’ve been talking about in regards to black magick for a while. If you truly are a “demonic to the core” dressed-in-all-black-upside-down-pentagram-wearing son or daughter of Satan, you wouldn’t be that way because you hate society like most gothed out LHP weirdoes I’ve encountered on the webs. You’d be that way because you fucking love our culture. You’d be working on Wall Street. You’d be climbing the ranks in the military, running the prison industrial complex, designing high tech weaponry. You’d own the pharmaceutical racket. You’d be obsessed with college football. You’d be devoting yourself to a life expanding the scope of human suffering by any means possible. You’d be on top of the daemonic fucking food chain that is our soul deadening culture. If there’s anywhere materialism has triumphed over the spirit (what the upside down pentagram symbolizes), it is in freaking America. We spend half our tax dollars on the war machine/prison state for Christ sake and just elected a government frothing at the mouth to spend more. What on earth is more spooky and evil than that? Anyway, I’m not posting this to mock EA, but rather as a demonstration that Koetting and his unique brand of dark douche magick are now quite officially bullshit as despite his godlike powers, guy just got popped on some serious drug and gun possession charges and is facing some legit jail time (from Watcher of the Dawn):

Matthew Joseph Lawrence, 33 better known as self-proclaimed god, E.A. Koetting has been giving his side of the story of his arrest and it appears that he is opting for the Cliven Bundy defence.

This is that it is nothing to do with the fact that the police found guns and drugs in his house; it is all because he is a victim of a tyrannical government which disobeys the constitution.

“This is a manifestation of a tyrannical government, drunk on its own power, carrying out a witch hunt… and they found a witch,” he said.
EA gives a long defence which almost totally focuses on the gun charges. He tells us that the guns the coppers found in his house included a 9mm handgun, a .22 rifle (which belonged to his daughter) and a 3030 rifle which belonged to his girlfriend. EA claims that owning gun “is compulsory” where he lives. The police knew he had a gun because it was stolen once and they gave it back to him.

Restricted from owning a gun

The police arrested him claiming that he was a person who was “restricted from owning a gun” something EA wants to know if it is possible since he had never been convicted of any offence.

Most of EA’s statement focuses on the guns and his rights under the US constitution and the fact that his house was apparently searched under a warrant which did not show probable cause that an offence had taken place.

Elephant in the room

However, EA’s impassioned and at times angry defence is marred by the one elephant in the room – the cops did find a slash of drugs in his house. EA limited his comments on this to: “they are the sorts of drugs which have been used by shamans for centuries.” Last, we heard methamphetamine was not a standard shamanic drug and we don’t know the quantities the police found. It would appear to have been rather a lot because he faces felony charges.
The Cliven Bundy defence seems to be playing to a particular crowd. Indeed EA’s defenders appear to be making this whole issue about “rights and freedoms” rather than looking at the issues of law.

However, several wider issues appear to be ignored. EA claims that he is a God who has powers which, for a fee, he can teach other people. Yet this whole case shows the complete opposite. It shows EA as banal getting arrested, like everyone else, and blaming other people for his own misfortunes, like everyone else. You do not see many living gods have that happen to — well other than Jesus and he was busted for heresy and not drugs.

Read the rest here.

Man are the nutbag Christian sex repressos in the state pen going to love his left hand path candy ass. Seriously, do yourself a favor and don’t mention your books or website if this shit goes to trial my man. Crap, there is no way the prosecutor’s not going to go there. That shit is going to get reeeeeal ugly, and yes, I do sort of feel bad for the guy like I do for any victim of the drug war. Moreover, I feel bad for his daughter.

mark driscoll

On another note, when I first looked at the post I did making fun of Koetting, a pop up from another piece I tossed up in March about shitbag Megachurch pastor and known fatty Marc Driscoll came up. I’m guessing this happened because I used the word douche in both headlines. What’s hilarious is, I felt nary a tinge of guilt mocking Driscoll. Guy isn’t a small fish. Motherfucker had a psycho-Christian “university” in downtown Seattle and an entire franchise of pseudo-hip women-and-gay-hating churches expanding throughout the country. He wasn’t working day jobs as a carpet cleaner like Koetting supposedly was. Dude is waaaaay higher up the food chain of evil. They’re not even in the same leagues. Notice, Driscoll ain’t going to jail. If I could write twenty posts taunting that twatface and then punch him in the dick when I was finished, I’d do so without thinking twice.

Well guess what? Yep, he’s fallen harder and faster than I ever imagined possible as well, facing accusations of financial misconduct in addition to several hundred other major counts of generalized megalomaniacal assholery. Because of that he’s essentially been forced to resign from the Mars Hill church he helped found years back because a voice in his head told him to (you sure that was Jesus bro?). And it was good. It’s been all over the media locally for the last six months because there were mass protests from former members long before he stepped down, but read the resignation article here or Google it for a million more on the scandal.

These events both happened roughly a month apart which is eerily synchronous. So like, I guess the lesson is, I need to call out fraudulent spiritual creepsters on the internet way more often. Noted.

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Thad McKraken

Thad McKraken

Thad McKraken is a psychedelic writer, musician, visual artist, filmmaker, Occultist, and pug enthusiast based out of Seattle. He is the author of the books The Galactic Dialogue: Occult Initiations and Transmissions From Outside of Time, both of which can be picked up on Amazon super cheap.
Thad McKraken