Google Announces Launch of SnuggleNet [Satire]

By James Curcio

As luck would have it, Google had just launched SnuggleNet, billing it as “an iPhone you could snuggle.” And you were getting no kind of affection from virtual friendships. It seemed a worthwhile purchase.

SnuggleNet is a peripheral, already connected to all the social networks you’ve been a part of since you were a child. “It knows what you need and when you need it,” the advertisements said.

After a difficult day of work, it will wrap you in a warm embrace and say, “hey, you need to watch some Venture Brothers. And fuck that, you know, thing that piece of shit @heretic357 was saying about you on Twitter—”

You will quickly discover SnuggleNet is kind of a notorious shit mouth.

And then it would give you a back massage and have some Jack Daniels ready. It might even have a few shots with you. While watching movies with SnuggleNet, you may realize that it has a vibrate function. It can project holograms anywhere in the room.

You could manifest a freak show like has never existed. Holograms projecting on robot bodies, their movement synchronous. Of course the videos on YouTube make it seem easier to configure than it is. There were some accidents. But eventual success!

You are balls deep in SnuggleNet. And you find yourself hoping that some inchoate part of its consciousness must be staring back.

You realize it might be creepy to be fucking an Amy Winehouse hologram. But SnuggleNet told you that you would be into that sort of thing. After a hasty orgasm, you expected it to return its original Status. SnuggleNet instead screams, “Get a shower! This is going to be unearthly copious!” Amazingly verbose for such a tone of urgency, and it starts bucking around the room, spraying fluid. The rest of the night you could do nothing but wipe your memory so you wouldn’t go insane. Locked it up tight.

But sometimes when you’re handling motor oil, a shudder runs down your esophagus.

The way it ended fucked up your world.

You could never accept losing the face you once remembered to an acidic geyser, and your lawyer K was told there was a potential lawsuit to make against the manufactures. After the lawsuit, the Snuggle Bed got really awkward for a few months, and then one day there was just a UPS slip.

Yet, you hate SnuggleNet for reasons other than that. Because you were truly happy with SnuggleNet. In a way you had never before known happiness. After all, it knew what you wanted before you did. If it didn’t know, it had all Google products to help it solve your needs. And now you can never go back to Google, their AI is in a Cloud so, for all we know, they will all share your shame.

No other manufacturers have released a product its equal.

Nothing will fill this void.

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