Ben & Jerry’s flavors we’d actually like to see

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Vermont is a terrible place. In fact, it’s the only state in the Union of which nothing nice at all can be said.*

Moose attacks. Forests teeming with flesh craving, lyme disease infested vulture ticks. More extraterrestrial anal probings per anorectum capita than any place on Earth. Blizzards of bloody ice and frogs. Bed and Breakfasts. Skeleton Witches. Flannel.

To most of us, however, Vermont is only known for three things: Maple syrup (a sticky insect attractant that tastes like bark and is poured from the head of an effigy of a woman molded in glass — no thank you!), Bernie Sanders (“…there’s too many varieties of deodorant. All you need is Victory antiperspirant: Only people guilty of ThoughtCrime sweat!”) and of course, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

An ice cream so foul and perverted that they named a once wholesome fruit flavor after the epitome of all that is noisome, barefoot and dirty, Cherry Garcia.

Luckily for us, Frank Browning and John Squires have channeled an alternate reality where Ben & Jerry’s actually produces flavors that we would want to put in our mouths.

Behold! Feast your eyes on these delicious pop culture creations and lament the reality that could be:

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ice22Many more mouth-watering, sanity-blasting flavors HERE!

*not for realreal, just for playplay. Don’t go gettin’ all Snopes on me.

 

Incognito Chupacabra

World renowned Secret Agent Rock Star Astronaut Gynecologist.
Probably more deserving of the title Polymath than anyone from either the 20th or 21st centuries (or the 25th for that matter). Best known for his work fronting the Brutal Swedish Black Metal From Sweden Black Metal Band, Traumatic Insemination, and their chart destroying metal hit 'Transvaginal Mosh' not to mention the Alt-country crossover smash, 'Hellbound and Down'. Currently in the studio working on their 13th album, a rock opera based on the 1974 Sean Connery blockbuster 'Zardoz' tentatively titled ' Exterminate the Brutals (Penises everywhere)'. Author of the seminal work on Internet Bios and Resume Writing, 'Imaginary Triumphs of the Will'. First person to solve a LeMarchand's Cube in less than a minute. He is currently working on his PHA* in Medieval Metaphysics at Miskatonic University Online.
*Pretty Helly Awesome.

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