Keeping Kids Safe on Halloween

Halloween is a very dangerous holiday for children. Every year, the news reminds the nation-at-large to take some steps to protect children from the psychopathic individuals that seek to harm them. The only surefire way to keep them safe is to keep them inside, but since it’s pretty cruel to ruin an 8-year-old’s good time. (Unless they are your virgin sacrifice, in which case, c’est la vie.) Here are some easy steps that you can take to ensure their fun and safety.

We’ve all heard the stories about razor blades hidden in apples. If someone in your community has decided to pass out apples on Halloween night, it is best to kindly explain to them your concerns. In the meantime, make sure to instruct your children to simply toss the apple away — ideally, directly into the face of whoever is handing that shit out, because that neighbor is an asshole. Halloween isn’t the night to start schooling other people’s kids about healthy eating habits. You literally have every other day of the fucking year to be a healthy lifestyle advocate, but you only get one night per year to crap all over a little kid’s evening with your dildoic behavior.

Similarly, if you know you live in close proximity to a dentist, avoid that house at all costs. Not only is dentistry the most sadistic and barbaric medical practice still tolerated in the west, rivaled only by circumcision, these self-righteous pricks are giving out toothbrushes, floss, and toothpaste. Should the worst case scenario play out and your child makes the grave error of trick-or-treating there, it is important that they do not panic, but instead cautiously and quietly empty the entire contents of toothpaste tube onto whatever surface on the property that appears most valuable.

Besides handing out trash that isn’t even candy, there is the obvious danger of poisoned/contaminated candy. It is always important to check the outside packaging for damage/puncture marks/copyrights. Who knows what some insidious hand-wringing villain has put in there, what chemical evil might lurk inside of those delicious chocolate bars? High fructose corn syrup? Sodium Metabisulfite (to preserve color)? Polyglycerol Polyricinoleate (an emulsifier)? SUGAR? A veritable witches brew.

There also exists the direct threat to children from exposure to strange adults. Statistically speaking in the United States, children who go trick-or-treating have a 2/5 chance of encountering fearful, hate-filled and hate-fueled (they call themselves “loving”) Christians. Spooky fuckers. They are probably going to be distributing pamphlets with alluring, shiny graphics, titled with something ambiguously positive, like, “ALIVE WITH CHRIST!”

These small brochures act as a conveyor belt to the spiritual slaughterhouse for small children so that a zombie-worshipping cult can continue to prey upon them, thereby creating more braindead individuals to perpetuate the zombie cult. If anyone near you is handing out any reading material this Halloween, just kick them in the fucking stomach.

Children have malleable, trusting minds. If we really care about their wellbeing, then we have to teach them above all to never trust another human. The lesson should go approximately like, “Humans are bad, and because you’re a human, you’re bad too, so you can’t trust yourself either.” Shatter any potential they may have for forming stable, caring, mutualistic, and dynamic relationships with members of the same species and the opposite sex. It’s the only way.

Happy Hallowdays, everyone. Stay safe.