Why the Mainstream Media Actually Loves Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton in Hampton, NH
Hillary Clinton was humiliated during her time in the white house. We all remember the day that Bill said those infamous words “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” After this, our pathetic, wimpy, puritanical society wanted Clinton impeached. Little did we know that Hillary was going to get the last laugh.

In a press release on Sunday, Hillary reportedly stated her desire to get Monica Lewinski to “suck her dick.” She stated that she was tired of hearing Bill talk in his sleep about “Mawwnica Louinskee, ohhhh Mawwnica.” This has affected the marriage of the Clinton’s, and Hillary feels that by getting her dick sucked, the process of healing will begin.

“I don’t think Bill will mind Monica Lewinski sucking on my thick, veiny, throbbing cock every now and then.” Hillary said to the press. “I imagine that it is quite stressful being the president, and I will make sure that Lewinski is by my side whenever I need a little stress relief.”

The reporters were understandably confused, and when asked if she had a penis, Hillary responded, “Well not really, but it’s bigger than Bill’s. We all know who’s really worn the pants in this relationship.” Winking after she said it, an awkward air filled the room. To break the tension a reporter asked what Hillary’s position was on Syria.

“Syria? Is that the name of another woman that Bill cheated on me with? I’ll have her suck my fat cock too!” Hillary roared.

Reporters were understandably confused at this point, and to make matters worse Hillary began furiously masturbating her 3-inch cock and screaming “I’m getting my dick sucked when I’m president! Fuck you all!”

She then went on a tirade about how much she hates Bernie Sanders, and how he wouldn’t “have the balls” to get his dick sucked by Monica Lewinski. The stunned reporters didn’t quite know where to go from here. They decided that it would be appropriate to ask about her history of marijuana use.

When asked if she had ever inhaled marijuana Hillary exclaimed “Of course I did! Who the fuck smokes weed and doesn’t inhale? Anyone who would say that is a fucking moron!”

Hillary then transformed into falcon-reptilian-humanoid type figure and began jamming her bird cock up Bill’s tiny little virgin asshole. All the while, she was screaming that she had won the debate with Bernie Sanders. On her final victorious thrust she pulled out and unloaded her hot goo all over the reporters in attendance. She then transformed back into her human figure, smiled, and asked “Anymore questions?”

Shocked and confused, the reporters figured that it would be best if they simply reported that Hillary won the Democratic presidential debate. Hillary then politely asked for everyone in the mainstream media to constantly trash Bernie Sanders, and say that his policies are too radical. Upon leaving the conference one reporter said “Hilary 2016! I don’t want to get jizzed on again!”

To add insult to injury as the reporters left, Hillary grabbed the microphone, farted into it and cackled “This is what I think of you guys, go fuck yourselves.”

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Jake Runde

I'm not really sure how to describe myself anymore, but I'm an aspiring comedian, writer, and I get to graduate college in December. I like to think that I'm smart, but I also know that that's a dangerous thought. I enjoy cooking, reading, writing, South Park, being mindful, being mindless and long walks on the beach. I currently reside in Eau Claire, WI.