Fundamentalist Thriller “Final: The Rapture”

Just when you thought it was safe…

2012 has come and gone, Nibiru still hasn’t shown up, and the 1% has not made off with all the beautiful people to dart into the subterranean tunnels under D.I.A.

But we forgot about something…  the Rapture.


Just love that expression!

The Christian Fundamentalists haven’t forgotten though.  I will confess – Hey, it can’t hurt my chances! – that I ran across this on a torrent site, which will go nameless.  I had never been to one before and, since they are going to close them all down soon, I should go see what one looked like.  Ok, no lightning yet.  I guess it’s safe to continue.

It occurred to me that perhaps I had sold my bug-out bag too soon when I saw the ad and preview for this film “Final: The Rapture.”  But then I quickly came to the realization that unless I am already a winner of the Fundamentalist Levitation Lottery, I am a Post Toastie already!  Can you imagine YouTube the next day?  But I am getting ahead of myself…

If you are unfamiliar with the actual principles of the Rapture, as I was during a Catholic Parochial education, they vary widely with the flavor of your Christianity.  Here is what Wikipedia has to say about it…

In Christian eschatology the rapture refers to the belief that either before, or simultaneously with, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ to earth, believers who have died will be raised and believers who are still alive and remain shall be caught up together with them (the resurrected dead believers) in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.  The concept has its basis in various interpretations of the biblical book of First Thessalonians and how it relates to interpretations of various other biblical passages, such as those from Second Thessalonians, Gospel of Matthew, First Corinthians and the Book of Revelation.

The exact meaning, timing and impact of the event are disputed among Christians and the term is used in at least two senses. In the pre-tribulation view, a group of people will be left behind on earth after another group literally leaves “to meet the Lord in the air.” This is now the most common use of the term, especially among fundamentalist Christians in the United States. The other, older use of the term “Rapture” is simply as a synonym for the final resurrection generally, without a belief that a group of people is left behind on earth for an extended Tribulation period after the events of 1 Thessalonians 4:17. This distinction is important as some types of Christianity never refer to “the Rapture” in religious education, but might use the older and more general sense of the word “rapture” in referring to what happens during the final resurrection.

It seems that what you believe about the Rapture depends entirely on which type of Christian you are.  I like that.  Since I left Catholicism behind decades ago, I have no loyalties or heritage I feel I need to protect.  However, in the interest of equal time I found a Catholic Theologian response to The Rapture on Yahoo AnswersI know, just go with it for now;

Catholic Theologian Response : The rapture is a PROTESTANT (emphasis in the original) believe(sic) that saved people will disappear before the end of the World. 144,000 people going to heaven is a Jehovah Witness believe that only 144,000 people will go to heaven. The rapture is un-biblical and the Jehovah Witness believe(sic) was taken out of thin air. That bible passage that Jehovah Witnesses use, says only Jewish Male Virgins will go to heaven. So that means that Mary Mother of Jesus {not a male} would not go to heaven, ST. Peter would not be in heaven {not a virgin} and Charles Taze Russell, Jehovah Witness founder {not a Jew} Would not go to heaven. As for the Rapture it is no where in the bible so I cant interpret it. Its a made up theory.Protestants give us Catholic’s a hard time on the assumption of Mary not being in the Bible, but the Rapture is not in the bible either. (Emphasis in the original, though I did correct the spelling of theroy!    Un-biblical?  Could we have a semantics ruling on that?  For a studied man he doesn’t seem to prooveread very well.)Final-the-Rapture-police-site

So it turns out when I was a Catholic, I did not believe in this sort of thing at all. (Notice the Catholics always seem to be discussing virgins.  That got me in trouble in Religion class several times!)  Unfortunately I lost the pass that Catholicism provided me years ago.  It was a mutual agreement I came to with the Church, and they seem undamaged by my absence.

Now I do actually believe in Jesus, but knowing its history and roots, not in Christianity.  While this would seem to qualify me for selection as a believer in a purely academic sense, I have been issued bus tickets to hell so many times on internet discussions that I do not hold out much hope anymore.

I contacted the Watchtower Society, which leads the Jehovah’s Witnesses Church, and asked about this Jewish question.  The woman who answered the phone, a Vivian, assured me that this was most likely a mis-translation of the J word.  Not being historically naive I had to ask how Thessalonians could have meant the Jehovah’s Witnesses when it was written so far before the date of JW’s founding.  Evidently we had connection difficulties at this point because the line suddenly went dead.

Being the true Disinfonaut that I am, I put in another call to the Watchtower folks.  This time Vivian informed me that she would be transferring me to an Elder.  Now we were getting somewhere.  An Elder!  The Elder answered the phone in what seemed like a bluster.  He was probably very busy, but he took time for me.  Amazing what dropping the Disinfo name will get you.

The Elder did not identify himself but instead asked me who exactly it was that I was writing for again.  Of course this could only mean we were having phone problems once again.  When I mentioned he said “Hmmph” in recognition but surprisingly a few seconds later the line went dead again.  For an instant I thought perhaps I had been hung up on, but then I remembered I had been speaking to a ranking Elder of a Christian Religion and I was forced to dismiss that notion completely.  Too bad about the condition of their phone system.  I will have to call their phone provider and get on to them.

There is some consolation though.  What if I were a Jehovah’s Witness?  How many of these poor folks are hoping, indeed counting on being one of the 144,000?  With those kind of odds…

Well, let’s just say that Jehovah’s Witness or not, I am going to hedge my bets and be among the first 144,000 to order this DVD, just in case.  I just hope I’m not required to sit through the whole show.  The acting in the trailer made even Shatner look the minimalist.