Irrational Hate the Best Way to Fight Terrorism [Satire]

Following the terrorist attacks in France, President Hollande has declared a merciless war against ISIS. Hollande has said, “I think the best thing to do is react violently to the violence while the public is still filled with an enormous amount of hate. We’ll let the Air Force sort out the rest.” Hollande added, “People make the best decisions when they are emotionally vulnerable, and scared.” 131215132701-01-francois-hollande-1215-story-top

Obviously the world is in a state of mourning with France at this point in time, and the world knows terrorism only occurs inside 1st world countries. The Western countries are infallible actors in all of this, and they would never fund terrorists to destabilize 3rd world countries that don’t support private business interests. If the West did things like that, their corporate-run media would be sure to cover it. The world understands that the only time suffering in the world occurs is when it is covered by the media.

When asked if he was worried about destabilizing the situation in Syria further, Hollande simply said, “Only people who are white and who have jobs are people. I mean that’s in the UN charter for Christ’s sake, haven’t you guys read that?”

Even though the press was clearly already on his side he continued to ramble on, “Look at how things turned out for Iraq after the US invaded them. It was the best thing to happen to that region in a long time. I mean they have democracy there now. I think by further destabilizing Syria they will eventually become a democracy and the terrorists will be defeated! Civilian casualties will not happen. Well, as long as you get the official press releases from us we will make sure that that’s what’s reported. What better way to spread democracy than by force?”

Although economic conditions are brutal in Syria, the French President thinks that ISIS “just needs to chill out” and he thinks they “should go to college” or “eat some bacon.” “We all get a little cranky when we’re hungry, maybe ISIS just needs a Snickers?” President Hollande giggled. He then immediately phoned the air force to let them know he wanted to call the bombs dropped on ISIS, Snicker bombs. He then had to explain the joke to the air force commander who apparently didn’t get it right away.

“Snicker bombs.” He smiled and shook his head. “The Americans here get it right?”

When asked about the immigration policy France would adapt while the president was using the tragedy to push his political agenda, the president said that he was thinking about something similar to American presidential hopeful, Donald Trump. He also mentioned something about increasing surveillance laws.

The French population would also like to thank Americans everywhere for changing their profile pictures to the background of the French flag. One of the victims’ families even posted on Facebook, “US citizens who so valiantly changed their profile pictures make it seem like my daughter is still with us. God bless you and your prayers America.”

Jake Runde

I'm not really sure how to describe myself anymore, but I'm an aspiring comedian, writer, and I get to graduate college in December. I like to think that I'm smart, but I also know that that's a dangerous thought. I enjoy cooking, reading, writing, South Park, being mindful, being mindless and long walks on the beach. I currently reside in Eau Claire, WI.