Before we get into the New Hampshire primary results, let me get all the stuff about the Republican debate out of the way.
BOOOO, GET TO SANDERS
Don’t worry! I’ll tell you what I tell those European tourists I mentioned last week: it’ll be painless and I’ll go fast (*rimshot*). I was going to write a full article on the 9th Republican debate in New Hampshire, but with the primary coming so hot on its heels I decided to wait and see what sort of interesting developments would arise. I’m glad I waited, and not just because I’m running out of ways to imply that Ben Carson has mild-to-moderate cognitive retardation or that Chris Christie’s haircut is hiding a prominent sagittal crest. Fortunately for me, I won’t have to create any more Chris Christie jokes because he’s dropped out of the race. So did Carly Fiorina, who decided to use social media to announce her decision, prompting many to respond with “Wait, she was still in the race? Why?”
To everyone’s mild surprise Ben is still chugging along, which is great boon for comedy writers. Did you see the entrance he made at the debate? Oh man, it was glorious.
I will never get tired of seeing that. Ted Cruz rushes by and shoots him a “I don’t know, man, just hang out here or whatever” look, and that poor PA has to poke his head around the corner and shoo him away like a cat. I honestly think Trump felt bad for Carson and decided to join him in solidarity. It’s not as if they were going to start the debate without Trump, after all. It was such a surreal moment that I thought maybe I was going insane, that after watching eleven debates and writing a dozen articles and being lied to roughly 1,300 times I had finally lost my anchor to reality. Nope! I remain mostly sane, and the GOP debate was really that weird.
But that wasn’t even the best part of the night! Thankfully, before Chris Christie made his exit he provided us with what might be my favorite moment of the eleven debates I’ve seen so far. In the interest of objectivity I could provide a six minute video of the entire exchange, but since everyone has agreed that it was an objectively hilarious moment I’ll let a comedian tell you all about it.
Poor Marco Rubio! According to the Washington Post, people’s opinions on him are now split between “he’s a robot” and “he’s got serious anxiety issues”. He did end up finishing ahead of Chris Christie in the primary, but that’s hardly comforting news. Not only did he lose to Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, which he probably expected, but he lost to John Kasich and even Jeb “Jeb!” Bush as well. One more primary like that and Rubio, who was once thought to be just the candidate the establishment needed to have a chance against Trump and/or Cruz, will be forced to bow out.
Which would be great for everyone, actually, including the Republican party. He’s on the wrong side of a culture war in more than one area. Aside from the fact that he doesn’t support the right to choose even in cases of rape or incest, which his GOP rivals correctly identify as a huge liability in a general election, but his desire to eliminate legal protection of same-sex marriage is well documented and has already lead to awkward encounters with voters. I honestly don’t know why he and other Republicans pick these losing battles, but it seems like the GOP will have to find a new savior.
But there is hope for the Republican establishment, however dim, in the form of John Kasich. He took home the second-place trophy in Hew Hampshire, which made me happy for him. I’ve thought more than once that he was headed to the Land of Wind and Ghosts long before New Hampshire, but he’s proven me wrong and, despite being on the brink of running out of money, is still in the game. Y’know, I’ve always wondered why no one seemed to take him very seriously. Sure he’s been obscured by bigger names (Bush) and louder personalities (Trump, Cruz) and younger, fuller heads of hair (Rubio), but in that whole lot of flesh-colored factory-reject dildos he comes the closest to actually making any goddamn sense.
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