Trump Unveils Plans for first Term of Presidency

Donald Trump has big plans for America. wikimedia

The Trump campaign has unveiled their plans for the first term of his presidency in order to make America great again. His plan reveals the how’s and why’s of how he will create more jobs and more opportunities for the average American.

The first order of business is to rename Mt. Rushmore, Mt. Trumpmore. There are also plans to replace the current presidential faces there with all faces of Donald Trump: Duck Face Trump, Smiling Duck Face Trump, Scowling Duck Face Trump, and one will simply be his toupee. This will create thousands of jobs while the project is being completed, and will help Americans realize that being a rich self-worshipping narcissist are the keys to succeeding in America.

There will also be a remix of Fergie’s hit song, Fergalicious, into a song called Trumpalicious. There will be a $1,000,000 contest awarded to whoever can create the best lyrics for the song. It’s expected that this person’s wealth will trickle down to thousands of others. Potentially creating hundreds of jobs from this contest alone. After the contest, Trump will perform the lyrics himself, and if he likes the way it sounds it will become our new national anthem.

The White House will be adding a casino, a brothel, and a cocaine manufacturing plant. This is happening because Trump wants the American public to understand where all their taxpayer money goes. He’s tired of those in Washington hiding their debauchery. This will lead to approximately 500 new jobs, and a cheaper, more sustainable way for Americans to enjoy cocaine.

He is also planning on turning the inner workings of his presidency into a reality show, The Apprentice: President Edition. He plans on being able to fire cabinet members who do not constantly stroke his massively overinflated ego. He will attempt to fire Elizabeth Warren on a daily basis because “he is the boss.” Warren will have to remind him that he’s not allowed to do that, but Trump will attempt to persuade Americans that he can do this by showing it on TV.

To deal with corruption in the White House, Trump also plans on making a new rule which requires that all members of congress will be billionaires. If that requirement cannot be met, the congressman will be told that they didn’t work hard enough. They will be called a liberal fuddy duddy, and will get kicked out of the White House.

Trump is also planning on building a privately funded wall around the entire US in the off chance that he does get elected in order to make sure that Americans cannot flee in mass to Canada and Mexico show that he’s serious about keeping Mexicans and other illegal immigrants from entering the country.

In related news, the Clinton campaign unmasked plans to stage astroturfed blog posts crying sexism anytime her ties to Wall Street are questioned if she makes it to the White House.

Jake Runde

I'm not really sure how to describe myself anymore, but I'm an aspiring comedian, writer, and I get to graduate college in December. I like to think that I'm smart, but I also know that that's a dangerous thought. I enjoy cooking, reading, writing, South Park, being mindful, being mindless and long walks on the beach. I currently reside in Eau Claire, WI.