Safe-Space Satanism

Probably the coolest website I’ve stumbled upon in the last 6 months or so has been the Secret Sun blog, which showcases the genius level writing of metaphysical pop cultural synchromystic Chris Knowles. It was recommended to me by a fan, and I can’t count the number of down hours at work I’ve now spent digging through its archives. Needless to say, I’ve been incredibly late to this party, which has been going on for quite some time as I found out. It’d be tough for me to recommend anything on the internet more highly (pun intended) and it’s now one of the like 10 websites I check on obsessively. It was in one of these down-time work binges that I came across this recent gem mocking the banality and tameness of the modern Temple of Satan:

You might be one of those people who thinks hipsters ruin everything they touch. You might think that 21st century youth culture- once a cauldron of sex, style and subversion- has been neutered and blanderized and sucked dry of meaning, vitality and most of all, menace.

If so, you may want to stop reading now.

Because the Borgcube has turned its attention to that last redoubt of rebellion, Satanism. And it wasn’t even a contest; Ol’ Scratch got crushed beneath the pulverizing tank-treads of the Snowflake Generation before the bell even rang. The Satanic Grotto is now officially a safe space:

Can the Satanic Temple Save America?

America’s new Satanists are less about animal sacrifice and more into ‘Paradise Lost’—and they may be our best hope for saving religious freedoms.

Wow, that’s quite a claim. Tell me more about this crunchy Satanism…

Let’s be very clear about this: Adherents of the modern Satanic Temple don’t engage in religious or animal sacrifice, and they have no truck with magic, even the kind of low-key supernaturality embraced by some Christian denominations.

Really? Then what’s the point?

Satan, to these Satanists, is a literary figure, not a deity—he stands for rationality, for skepticism….

In other words, not actually Satan at all.

…for speaking truth to power, even at great personal cost.

Oh, I’m sure. I’m sure they’ll be pissing all over the totalizing neoliberal narrative embraced by the corporate oligarchy, and the political, media and educational establishments. ‘Cause, man, they’re effin’ Satanists and they don’t give a shit.

Maybe tomorrow.

Let’s take a look at how these fire-breathing hellions do ritual:

While Blackmore reads, two women and one man, all cloaked, file onto the stage. Each puts on a hood, and they lose the cloaks—except for the hoods, they’re naked, and the optics are a bit Abu Ghraib. A few heavily intoned passages later, Blackmore pushes up their hoods and pours wine into their upturned mouths. All three choke on the wine, which doesn’t make it seem less Abu Ghraib. The reading ends, the crowd shouts, “Hail Satan,” and the three devotees smash the wine glasses they’re holding on the ground.

And that’s it. The ritual, Blackmore said, was written by the Detroit chapter and participation is entirely voluntary; it was “intended to empower guests to challenge arbitrary systems of authority, confront archaic traditions and celebrate the Satanic tradition,” she said. The ritual itself “represented concepts of shame, sexuality and normative religions traditions.”

Wineboarding aside, the modern Satanic Temple is about as non-threatening as a group of devil worshippers can get.
So in other words, snakehandlers are about a million times more metal than these neckbeard Satanists. Hell, your standard-issue Pentecostals are a country-mile wilder than this crowd.

But that’s the point. Satanic Temple chapters across the country have been pushing back against the right-wing religious establishment, providing a vocal counterpoint to religious orthodoxy: like a planned statue of Baphomet next to a Ten Commandments monument at the Oklahoma state Capitol, or the Satanic-themed coloring book being distributed to Florida elementary schools—simple but persistent reminders that freedom of religion applies across the board, that laws or guidelines intended to protect or promulgate right-wing Christianity or to blur the line between church and state convey the same access to other creeds.

Oh, how daring. How forward. How fearless.

Will they do the same with religious groups that it’s not socially permissible to dump on? Question answers itself, doesn’t it?

That sound you’re hearing is the shade of Anton LaVey screaming in despair from the depths of Tartarus.

In a nutshell has become your one-stop, uh, stop for Hipster Satanist info. When they’re not posting Savile-worthy graphics on Twitter, they’re filling in their rapidly-contracting readership on how to be a correct neo-Satanist.

Nice. Bullshit on this site has been called. The post continues from there and just gets increasingly amusing. Totally worth the click through. I’ve mocked this brand of neo-Satanism on FB (like my page), but never officially in a post here. Weirdly, I had zero clue there had even been a transition from the Church of Satan to the Temple of Satan until someone pointed it out to me (because who the fuck cares). So I did some research and essentially it’s morphed from Ayn Rand style “isn’t being a selfish asshole awesome” philosophy to Richard Dawkins style “isn’t being a condescending atheist prick awesome” shit. All supposedly done in the name of rationality. Except, like all atheism, there isn’t a fuck thing rational about it. There’s a difference between rationality and conformity. Atheistic scientism is currently a very conformist belief to subscribe to, not a rational one.

Here are some fun facts: human consciousness is capable of all kinds of bizarre exotic acrobatics that we intentionally program it not to do. Psychedelic drugs prove this and it has literally been illegal to study psychedelic drugs for the better part of the last 50 years. Still incredibly difficult to push through in most cases. What on earth is “rational” about legally forbidding scientific inquiry? Materialist science has still failed to cogently explain something as simple as dreams by it’s own admission, let alone lucid dreams, let alone pre-cognitive dreams, let alone what I like to call astral contact encounters. Remote viewing still works last time I checked. Mainstream science currently has no explanation for how this is possible. I could go on and on, but the point is, rather than putting your faith in God, with atheism you’re putting your faith in the supreme intelligence of humanity and the incorruptibility of mainstream scientific institutions. Not to mention the fact that you’re putting your faith in our CURRENT mainstream scientific view of reality while ignoring the fact that this is going to change substantially as time moves forward. Let me be the one to point out that there is exactly nothing stupider you could possibly put your faith in.

Thad McKraken

Thad McKraken

Thad McKraken is a psychedelic writer, musician, visual artist, filmmaker, Occultist, and pug enthusiast based out of Seattle. He is the author of the books The Galactic Dialogue: Occult Initiations and Transmissions From Outside of Time, both of which can be picked up on Amazon super cheap.
Thad McKraken