Capital K’s Conundrum: How to Be an Anonymous Porn Star

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This is Candy Suxx and Tommy Vercetti, American Icons of Vice City stardom. Me and Candy had a thing back in the 90s.

Once upon a time…

Yadda, yadda, yadda…

I woke up one morning and my genitals were everywhere they weren’t supposed to be.

You see, with the advent of smartphones and on demand pornography, the NSA and corporate espionage have made it hard for the every day American to masturbate in private.  The following is a cautionary tale for sexual deviants and millennials alike.

If Indiana Jones were alive in the modern era, with the internet being what it is, mass produced sex robots on the near horizon, GMOs, zombies etc…  He might long for a time machine so he could go back to a place and a time of simplicity.  A place where Steven Spielberg still made good movies.

A place without mind control, drug wars, fossil fuels, billionaires, banks or Ronald Reagan, allegedly the first actor America ever elected as its president.

Indiana Jones would not like to go back to the 1980s.  As Craig Robertson once said in a Hot Tub Time Machine of his own, “Everything is like Terminator!”  It was hard for a brother to get a job before and after the Berlin Wall came down.

Thanks for nothing Hasselhoff.

Now, after doing minimal research into my genealogy, I am pretty sure I am not an android.  Also, I am pretty sure that I’m mostly white, with a healthy dose of Red Apache mixed in, but in the end, I’m just another dirty, American half-breed.

Nevertheless, I can, in fact, relate to the struggles of the modern “Black Man.”  “Black Man” is a term deciphered by Dr. Dooshbag and the Hipster Legion from the “Rosetta Stone of Racism” which means, “person with dark skin.”

Fuck you, Nigga!

Are we friends now?

No?  Well, take your extremely low frequencies and fuck off, please.  Be sure and text me a picture of tonight’s “date rape train” victim while you’re at it, gangsta.  Oh, you’re also a member of the KKK… well, my respect for you just went through the roof, bitch.

In case you were wondering, Extremely Low Frequencies are not the same as “super loud bass.”  Extremely Low Frequencies (ELF) are frequencies so low, that they are often times inaudible.  Frequency is the key word here. Everything in the universe, including the universe itself, vibrates at a certain frequency.  It’s been theorized that by manipulating the frequency of an object, a person could create a “quantum tunnel” and pass directly through that object.  This was the plot of an episode of the popular J.J Abrams television show “Fringe”.

The Conscious Earth vibrates a frequency of 7.8 htz.  This frequency functions as the Earth’s heartbeat in a way.  What is important to realize is that frequency is one of the best means of controlling the actions of another person.  Think about it, most people today walk around with a portable computer with at least one high resolution camera on it at all times.  These things are called “smart phones.”  Despite the name, users of this technology are becoming dumber and dumber.

On the LG G3 phone, my former smart phone, there is an option in the settings menu to adjust the frequency at which your “phone” vibrates when you receive a notification.  One day, while experimenting with these different frequencies, I managed to both induce a seizure in myself and also shit my pants, on separate occasions.  You can either take my word for it, or try it out for yourself.  I recommend the former.

I think it’s important for everyone to recall the famous Pavlov’s Dog experiments.  Many of you have probably heard about it.  Basically, some guy named Pavlov trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell.  Also, I think it’s important to realize that Harvard Medical School has successfully proved that a person’s moral choices can be manipulated by magnets.  So, when you go to the ER on Harvard’s campus, some asshole with a bullshit degree that his father bought for him could actually be manipulating your temporal lobe to make you less likely to help the needy.

After all, it’s Harvard.  Fuck the poor, right?

C.K. Golden

C.K. Golden

I'm the worst person you've never met with the best intentions.I shouldn't be alive so I started to write.
C.K. Golden