via Cryptoscatology:

To commemorate Barack Obama’s final Independence Day while serving as President of the United States, I present to you an important missive I recently mailed to the White House….

President Obama

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Washington, D.C.

Dear President Obama:

It’s been awhile since I last wrote to you, so I thought it was about time I sent you a brief update.  Everything’s just swell here in Los Angeles.  My pitch meeting is tomorrow at 11:00 A.M. at Jim Henson Studios over on 1416 North La Brea Avenue, not far from Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and the El Capitan.  It’s a charming little lot filled with bungalows that resemble an antiquated alpine village.  There’s a giant, tuxedoed Kermit the Frog standing on top of the main gate, forever tipping his top hat to the passersby.  It’s all quite charming.

Tomorrow I’m meeting with the Executive Vice President of the studio to propose an idea for the next Muppet movie.  Here’s the title (I think you and your kids will love it):  The Muppets on Flight 11.

Fade in:  On the morning of September 11, 2001, the Muppets climb aboard American Airlines Flight 11 because they’re heading to Los Angeles for an important gig at the Hollywood Bowl.  The whole gang is there.  They’re all happy and singing.  It seems like the beginning of another bright and beautiful morning.  Suddenly… chaos ensues!  Five Muslim terrorists hijack the plane and take over the cockpit.  The Muppets, of course, come to the rescue.  Fozzie Bear drops Gonzo into a cannon, lights the fuse, and sends the masochistic Muppet hurtling into the solar plexus of one of the terrorist-fiends.  A second Arab whips out a box cutter and threatens Kermit the Frog.  Miss Piggy, understandably pissed off, screams, “Hiiiiiiiiii-yah!” and slams a Prada high heeled shoe right into the terrorist’s nuts.  The box cutter goes flying out of the iniquitous towelhead’s fist and crashes into a window with such tremendous force that massive cracks form in the plexiglass.  The window breaks and the cabin begins to depressurize.  Beaker is sucked out of the arms of his beloved mentor, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and gets stuck in the open window, inadvertently staving off the depressurization.  We see a close-up of Beeker’s head sticking out the window, the force of the wind causing the antron fleece skin on his face to pull back from his soft teeth, his drawbridge mouth opening wide, his crazy eyes bulging out of their sockets as he screams, “Mee-mee-meeeeeeee!”

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Robert Guffey

Robert Guffey

Robert Guffey is a lecturer in the Department of English at California State University – Long Beach. His most recent book is UNTIL THE LAST DOG DIES (Night Shade/Skyhorse), a darkly satirical novel about a young stand-up comedian who must adapt as best he can to an apocalyptic virus that affects only the humor centers of the brain. His previous books include the journalistic memoir CHAMELEO: A STRANGE BUT TRUE STORY OF INVISIBLE SPIES, HEROIN ADDICTION, AND HOMELAND SECURITY (OR Books, 2015), a collection of novellas entitled SPIES & SAUCERS (PS Publishing, 2014), and CRYPTOSCATOLOGY: CONSPIRACY THEORY AS ART FORM (TrineDay, 2012).
Robert Guffey

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