Our First Vampire President?

By now we’ve all seen the footage of Hillary Clinton on the morning of 9/11. Pale, slender, her eyes shielded from the sun, she stumbles as her aides convey her to her black SUV, disappearing behind its tinted windows. Hours later, she emerges from her daughter’s apartment filled with youthful energy. Her complexion is rosy, her wrinkles, vanished. She proclaims it “a beautiful day in New York” and poses for a picture with a random little girl. While Donald Trump supporters, alarmed by the transformation, create the hashtag #HillaryBodyDouble, her doctors release a report dismissing the episode as garden variety pneumonia, but those of us versed in the supernatural clearly recognize what is going on: Hillary Clinton is being turned into a vampire. Weakened by the sun, she went to Chelsea’s to feed.

The question then presents itself: What would a vampire president mean for the United States? Would she transform our purple mountains and amber waves of grain into a darkened horrorscape where fearful peasants rush home at twilight to bolt themselves behind garlic-laden doors, or would the reality be something a bit more prosaic?

With a constitutional term limit of only eight years, it is unlikely that she would be able to effect so awesome a transformation on American society, no matter how many centuries her own life might extend. She would, of course, need to feed, but to Americans accustomed to having their hopes and dreams drained by the political class, the meager quantity of blood that Hillary would require to sustain herself would hardly be missed. It would likely be enough for her to suckle the wrist of a beautiful intern in between phone calls at the Resolute desk—a perverse spectacle by ordinary standards, but hardly as salacious as what the Oval Office witnessed during the last Clinton administration.

Her other obvious limitation would be her aversion to the sun, but this might prove to be a blessing in disguise. The time difference between Washington and Moscow was a major obstacle to resolving the Cuban Missile Crisis; each side slept while the other was acting. A nocturnal presidency would be more in synch with potential crisis points around the globe. She’d be ready for that proverbial 3:00 a.m. phone call because that’s when she walks the White House parapets, basking in the light of the full moon.

Hillary’s vampirism would moreover release her from the burden of most public appearances, freeing up time to actually govern. She wouldn’t need to posture in front of the debris of fallen buildings, read to schoolchildren, or attend solemn wreath-laying ceremonies because everyone would understand the risk that she would burst into flames under the light of day. There would, in fact, be little purpose in photo-ops, given that her image would not appear on film.

Or, at least, it won’t, once she is fully turned. Donald Trump, I believe, understands what is happening and is looking for one last chance to scandalize her while the cameras still record. This is what he was hinting at with his recent suggestion that “her bodyguards should drop all weapons…Take their guns away, let’s see what happens to her.” What he means, of course, is that the assassin’s bullets would not affect her. Her eyes would glow red, she would bear her fangs and seize her would-be murderer by the throat, lifting him off the ground and hurling him into the crowd of shocked bystanders.

Confronted with incontrovertible proof that Hillary Clinton had sold her soul to the Muslim Devil, Trump’s xenophobic supporters—the 100% of them who are “deplorable”—would finally close ranks and teach one other how to read the maps that show them the way to the polls. Conditioned to fear what they do not understand, they would be unable to see past the flaming eyes and blood-drenched fangs to recognize the most obvious benefit of a vampire presidency.

That is, vampires live forever. Climate change, debt and the erosion of our democracy effect a future that they will have to share with future generations. A vampire president won’t kick the can forward, won’t cater to our fears and prejudices to win an election because she’ll have to live with the consequences fifty or a hundred years down the road. Required by dint of immortality to be mindful of the long term, an actual vampire would lead us better than the metaphorical ones we’ve been electing.